Smart Phone Addiction

[Addison1983]

Not sure if this is a cry for help or a testament of the dangers of phone addiction. My wife and I have a good marriage, we still enjoy each other, we love our kids and have made a good home. I have a good job, demanding, but provides everything we need, my wife hasn't worked for 15 years and is a house wife. A few years ago my wife started to read 50 shades of grey, she became obsessed and was rereading them all the time. I noticed she was acting different, she became withdrawn, I was so worried I called her mum for advice, soon after she was pregnant and that seemed to be the resolution. A few years have passed and my wife has fallen back into reading, she is reading the same type of books, passion, sexual, emotional driven. On one of our date nights a year ago I asked her if she could speak with me about it, if there was something missing in her life, passion, boredom or feelings of neglect. She opened up and said it was just somethings do and nothing to worry about. I guess COVID has just exasperated this. But it has become a real addiction for her. 6 months ago I found myself doing my daily job, then cleaning and doing most of the housework and all the laundry because if I didn't she let everything pile up. I started to feel exhausted and abused. I hit a point where I said I couldn't go on like this, I also felt my Children were being neglected. She acknowledged the problem and vowed to do better. It lasted a few weeks. She is at a point now where she parks the car after the school run and can sit and read with the engine on for 2-3 hours. She spends 8 hours on the reading app each day. She makes excuses to sleep in the children's room so she can read at night. I found vibrators in the children's room which made me uncomfortable. She hides away on her phone upstairs, on the toilet in the garage. When I walk-in she turns her phone away from my view. I asked her point blank. "Are you ashamed of what you're reading?" She said no. I said to her that this is the moment, the point of the beginning of the end of our marriage. It's not as much what she is reading, but the amount of time it is taking away from our family. She again held my hand and promised to sort it out. That was yesterday, I looked at her screen time today and she spent 8hours today on the reading app. Addiction is horrible and I feel so bad that we have tried so much and nothing avails. I have started to look for accommodation and I'm just heart broken for my kids, but I actually think it's in there best interest that we separate. Smart Phones are great, but also destroying relationships.

Clearly this is MumsNet.
If you had reversed the genders, and it was the husband reading, you would have been overwhelmed with supportive, outraged comments from the community here.

Sounds like perhaps your marriage wasn't as strong as you think.
Perhaps you both need counselling.

I would suggest reposting in relationships OP. Maybe shorten your posr a bit.
I do think you should make every effort to arrange and attend counselling, together or separately.
Covid has been tough on everyone's mental health.
Reading is an escape from reality.
Has your wife been lonely? Isolated? Does she have family, friends, any kind of social life? Would she like to have a job or career?

You say she hasn't worked for 15 years. How old are the children? Presumably she does or did look after them and does the domestic work?

She is unfulfilled somewhere in her life and is getting her ‘kicks’ elsewhere. Maybe she needs to work? Is your sex life ok?
She’ll end up chatting to men online of this isn’t resolved but she sounds like she is unhappy somewhere.

@Addison1983

Sorry to come into the conversation a bit late. I'm going to be blunt because your DW's behaviour is exactly the same as my STBX. Chances are that your wife isn't just reading mucky books and isn't just ashamed of the content. She's probably sexting other men.

Now, there's an interesting dynamic in most modern British relationships. If you cheat, you're an arsehole. If she cheats, it's because you're an arsehole. Just be aware of that before you probe further.

However, suffice to say, men who cheat on their wives have to cheat with someone and the reality is that just as many women are cheats as men.

There are some steps you might be able to take to see whether your wife is cheating on you whether that's sexting or meeting up with other men (this applies equally if you are trying to catch a man out).

If she has an Android phone, the chances are she uses Chrome and there is another computer in your house where she is logged into Google. Take a look at the history that will include not only what she is looking up but even where she has been with her phone. The Google playstore will also tell you if any dubious apps are installed.

Things you want to be looking for are Kik, SnapChat, Signal, Chatiw, Tinder or any other apps that offer encrypted communications that she doesn't use to communicate with you. Kik seems to be the most popular with cheats though, because the conversations are wiped after a certain amount of time. Also, think hard. Have there been any unusual reasons to be out recently? Is the mileage on her car oddly high for someone just doing school runs? Is she meeting up with friends more than normal?

If you do find any of this, don't make the mistake I did of immediately confronting her. I've been dealing with "trickle truth" for over two years and reached the point that I've given up on the relationship. Also, remember they blame you for your affairs so unless you have lots of solid evidence you'll just take a series of dents to your self esteem from her tirade of blame shifting.

What you need is lots of hard evidence and ideally you want to catch her in the act (legally). Meet up for lunch when she's not expecting it for example.

One final thing. If I am right in reading the signs, don't bother trying to save the relationship. Women that have got hooked on sexting don't reform. They eventually progress to meeting the scum they sext with.

I found vibrators in the children's room which made me uncomfortable

It should be making you feel more than uncomfortable. If this is true this is disgusting.

I wouldn’t say that she is necessarily having an affair but, if she is getting addicted to porn, it might be difficult for you to go back to normal, as she is getting used to get her kicks in a different way that does not involve you at all.

How old are your kids, can you care for them on your own? Can you arrange for wraparound care or Pay an au pair to pick them up from school and take care of them until you arrive from work? Just asking, because if she is so addicted, who is going to take care of the children while she is reading porn?

She isn’t peri-menopausal by any chance is she? Some women go through a sex surge which lasts well over a year. It definitely sounds to me that she isn’t happy in the relationship.

@GrandmasCat

Actually I'll be quite clear I'm not suggesting an affair, at least not anything long term. However, this behaviour sounds exactly the same as my STBX (buying vibrators and lingerie, glued to her smartphone that goes everywhere with her, leaving me to do 80% of the housework since lockdown on top of being the sole earner in the family, spending hours on silly games on her phone when not sexting).

For some reason we live in a world where men are the ones always accused of mucky behaviour online but they're not doing it with each other. I've checked sites out and there are more men than women on them but because of that the men will normally not get the opportunity to cheat whereas the women will never fail to pick someone up.

From what I can gather these "relationships" tend to be very short (normally one offs, maybe last a month or two) and it's all about sex. Hopefully the OP is just reading filthy books but I doubt it, in which case I hope she is just sexting. I discovered mine far too late.

OP I read your post and feel such sadness for you. If a woman had posted this she’d have been inundated with messages of support. I am sad to say that what you’re actually aware of with your wife is likely to be the tip of a ghastly iceberg. You have to make a choice. Good luck 💚