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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Tips for managing mediation emotionally

21 replies

Jokie · 21/05/2021 19:14

Hi everyone,

I'm hoping for some advice. We are due to start mediation next week and there is a real big difference between "rational/emotionless" ex and me. The separation is still very raw for me and I'm still emotional about certain topics (like parenting plan).

I want to try and find some tools/words for getting through mediation without coming across as an emotional wreck. Does anyone have any tips or things that helped them? E.g. phrases to use or breathing techniques?

OP posts:

HosannainExcelSheets · 21/05/2021 22:07

Why are you going back to mediation if you're not ready?

You can say no, and you can also explain in advance bro the mediator how emotionally raw you are and that you don't want to do further mediation yet.

Original poster

Jokie · 22/05/2021 05:24

@HosannainExcelSheets: mainly to get it over and done with? It will have to be discussed anyway. I didn't even think to postpone it as I think it'll be a long time before I'll be "ok" with any of this (which I think is normal).

OP posts:

HosannainExcelSheets · 22/05/2021 13:56

Ultimately, if you're not ready then it will be an unproductive waste of time and money. You're not likely to get a settlement or agreement that you are happy with in the long term if you go into this with the wrong frame of mind. I learned that from bitter experience, and am now have to take my exH to court instead.

Original poster

Jokie · 22/05/2021 18:10

Thanks for your insight. That's a really interesting point of view that I had not considered and it makes sense. I guess part of me wants it over and done with but a part of me says: no wait until you can think more logically.

OP posts:

IND1A · 23/05/2021 09:58

Go for counselling ( by yourself) first and them mediation when you are ready.

MSA60 · 23/05/2021 10:02

I didnt find mediation any help at all. The same relationship dynamics played out there and the mediators just seemed to look on bemused as my ex stated what he wanted, when he wanted it and how that was that. I just sat there feeling overwhelmed by his usual unreasonableness. I needed distance to be able to fight my corner so solicitor it was.

Original poster

Jokie · 24/05/2021 05:36

I replied last night but it's not shown up :(

@IND1A: I'm already in counselling and that's going so well.

@MSA60: that is one thing I'm worried about.

OP posts:

StoneColdBitch · 24/05/2021 09:08

Those of you advising OP to delay mediation - surely her ex may just initiate court proceedings? I'm a second wife, and when my husband divorced his ex, she kept postponing mediation (because she didn't want him to have more contact with their children, which she knew he would ask for). After about 6 months of that, he just put an application in to go to court, and when it got to court, the judge didn't bounce them back to mediation, because ex's behaviour suggested she might postpone/delay again. They ended up with a court order, which gave DH more contact than he would have asked for in mediation. If OP stalls too much, she risks losing control of the process entirely.

@Jokie Can you ask for shuttle mediation, so you're not in the same room as your ex?

HosannainExcelSheets · 24/05/2021 10:18

@StoneColdBitch - yes, if she delays indefinitely that probably would happen. I ended up taking my ex to court after 2 years of on/off mediation in which he rest messed me around. But in retrospect, if I'd waited for the first session for another 6-12 months, I think he'd have been in a better place and mediation could have worked.

As it is, he's still bitter and is therefore lying outrageously in financial proceedings. I'm going to end up in a worse position because of trying to force mediation too early.

Going to court doesn't always get you a better outcome.

StoneColdBitch · 24/05/2021 10:28

@HosannainExcelSheets But OP's ex may want to get their divorce sorted now, not in 6-12 months, and I don't think that's unreasonable. I'm not suggesting she would get a better outcome in court - quite the opposite, which is why she would be wise to attend mediation, rather than postpone it for months, which may prompt her ex to make a court application.

HosannainExcelSheets · 24/05/2021 11:42

@Jokie ex might want that, but of she's not ready it won't happen. Going to court I'd also slower and you can return to mediation and settle out of court whenever you want to. I'd still go back to mediation now if my ex offered ...

But OP should think of her needs and how to prepare herself for mediation, not second guess what her ex wants.

DateXY · 24/05/2021 12:05

@HosannainExcelSheets but the whole point is that it's not just her needs that are involved here, it's her ex's needs and her children's needs. The kids are just as much her ex's as hers and if he's currently losing out in terms of contact, he may want to push ahead to get an agreement.

This is obviously a difficult time for OP, and in her shoes I would take time off work etc and if necessary, perhaps delay mediation by a few weeks .

HosannainExcelSheets · 24/05/2021 12:26

I completely get that. What I was warning her of was my experience of being the emotionally ready party, and forcing mediation on an ex that was not ready. Mediation failed, and now we are waiting for the very long, slow court process.

Forcing my ex into mediation was a huge mistake. He wasn't ready, and that's caused years of delay now. It's definitely worse than if I'd acted differently, and seen his reluctance as a sign that mediation wasn't appropriate.

You can't resolve things by mediation unless both sides want it to work, and both sides are ready. Her needs, his needs, any children's needs will be far better met if mediation is successful. So she should focus on getting herself into the right frame of mind to make it a success, not rush into it because of pressure from her ex.

Original poster

Jokie · 24/05/2021 13:44

Thank you all. I wouldn't be delaying indefinitely and I don't want this hanging over my head. My main issue /concern is: the lawyer and mediator can only answer the questions that I ask... But I don't know what questions to ask.

I feel like I have cotton wool in my head and I've been staring at a blank piece of paper trying to brainstorm ideas/questions.

Ex definitely doesn't want to delay but has form for steamrolling me in the past and honestly doesn't give a crap about my feelings.

OP posts:

StoneColdBitch · 24/05/2021 14:21

@Jokie

I feel like I have cotton wool in my head and I've been staring at a blank piece of paper trying to brainstorm ideas/questions.

Ex definitely doesn't want to delay but has form for steamrolling me in the past and honestly doesn't give a crap about my feelings.

You're not a solicitor. It's normal not to know what you need to discuss. I'd suggest you speak to your solicitor for advice on key areas for discussion, and what they think you should ask for - perhaps both a best case scenario and a reasonable scenario, so you can negotiate.

HosannainExcelSheets · 24/05/2021 15:22

I agree that your lawyer should be helpful in working out what to ask, and what to do with the information that you get in mediation.

You should not have to do this completely on your own.

As you're having counselling, you can also explain that and give a timeframe for when you feel you will be ready to start mediation. You can explain to the mediator that you feel your ex will steamroller you, and if that happens you won't be able to agree to anything. The mediator should be able to deal with that, and keep discussions on track.

loveyourself2020 · 24/05/2021 18:38

These things are really hard. The way I see it getting a lawyer to sort things out for you is the best, but they are so expensive. Everyone is telling me that we could make separation agreement by ourselves, but when you get into it you realize you do not know enough about all this to be able to do it. Like OP said herself, you do not even know what questions to ask. The first time I had a free consultation with a lawyer it lasted 6 min. He kept asking me what questions did I have and I thought he will TELL me what I need to know.

loveyourself2020 · 24/05/2021 18:43

My STBX is very stingy and insists we do it ourselves. When I suggested mediation he said it is too expensive and it is WAY much cheaper then lawyers. However, I do not have confidence that I will make the right decisions for me and my kids. Also, he kept saying from the beginning that he did not think it was FAIR that he shares HIS savings and investments with me and to this day has not really given me financial disclosure, so I have a feeling that he wants to cheat me of some nice chunk of money I did not even know existed. I am going to try to ask him to show me the balances, and perhaps we can try make the agreement ourselves, but I have a feeling that I am going to have to hire a lawyer, who will probably eat most of the cash that we have saved (which is not a lot anyway), but I just do not feel like I can do this alone.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 24/05/2021 18:59

Propranolol helped me.

Original poster

Jokie · 25/05/2021 04:58

Thanks all. I've done a few appointments with different lawyers to find one. The best case/realistic scenario is a good question

@loveyourself2020: I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this too. I would recommend getting a lawyer, especially if he's hiding something.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jokie · 25/05/2021 04:59

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea: I'm very cautious of additional medicines at this point but it's one to keep on the list.

OP posts:

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