Trial Separation

[latebloomr]

Interested to know whether there's any good stories coming out of trial separations? Do they help resolve issues? Or is it usually the first step towards divorce?

I'm in week 2 of a separation. Married 3 years, no DCs but we were TTC. Reason for separating was unreliable behaviour (his) and me uncovering lying fir the 3rd time (about his spending and taking drugs when we're TTC hard). Also mild emotional abuse (him towards me).

He wants to work things through, admits he needs to grow up. And is giving me space. But I'm worried that the trust won't come back for me. I just feel so meh about us.

Can a trial separation actually help? Or shall I focus on moving on?

It's pretty unusual for liars to stop lying and abusers to stop being abusive. That sort of behaviour is deeply rooted and part of who they are.

The most likely scenario is that he will put a lid on it long enough to win you back, then revert to his old self. That was my bitter experience, anyway.

It sounds like you aren't really interested in trying to work it out with him anymore. Are you?

Hi... I may not be the best person to reply as I think am much older than you/together 20 years/DC's & Step DC's... but some of the 'principles' may be the same. There were years of DH being very controlling & secretive and much complacency on both parts. And LOTS of issues surrounding each other's kids etc...

We separated last summer - but DO want to reconcile. The main/ONLY thing that's really helped is joint counselling and separate counselling with the same person... (we both also lost parents recently - my bereavement has hit me like a train and has affected me terribly/DH is handling his very differently and with less impact somehow. Only mentioned that because sometimes a lot of things can happen all at once... none of it 'good')

Not sure if you can access counselling services in the same way - jointly & separately where you are? It's been challenging/brutal at times/I've flounced out more than once/thought it was 'rubbish' a few times... but progress IS slow but generally steady... I'm no angel - but it WAS generally DH doing/being thoughtless and me reacting angrily - us growing further away from each other.

If we'd just been apart, yes we'd have had much needed space from our constant aggravation & we'd have missed each other (because we DO actually really love each other, but communication was utterly crappy) So I still miss him...want to get back together - but we're evolving/really working through stuff... not out of the woods yet tbh, but without the therapy - I don't believe we'd still be 'here' as challenging as this still is..

I would be moving on and fast if I were you. Only 3 years in and it's shit. Abuse, lies, drugs and fuckwittery.

This marriage will never, ever go the distance, and for fuck's sake don't bring a child into this disaster.

The likelihood is that he'll "behave" and make a host of promises, until you decide to go back. Then he'll revert to type. It's the usual scenario unfortunately. I think it rarely happens that they have a road to Damascus moment and change their ways.

How do you feel now, though? I was like a new person in week two of being separated from my ex. Like the weight of the world had lifted from me and I could finally feel happy again.

I don't think anyone can really tell you from this post what will happen, but couple and individual therapy is a really good idea.

@BigHeadBertha

It sounds like you aren't really interested in trying to work it out with him anymore. Are you?

Barely. I do miss him - the good parts I mean. But I feel so ground down from the constant rows and from watching him dancing around facts. I don't know how he can say he loves me then put me through such crap.

I feel calmer without him around as I can process the awful shit he's said in anger better.

Still, I will try couple therapy while separated - thanks to everyone making that suggestion.

We've tried it twice before - I sorted both counsellors. The first time he wasn't being honest to me or the counsellor, about the piling payday loan debts. The second time, he kept missing appointments due to work deadlines (which crept up as he lets things slide).

He's apparently having individual counselling now but I'm sceptical he'll see that through. Maybe I'll ask him to find a couples counsellor & see what happens. I just know he'll say that it shouldn't all be on him. There always a way to blame me.

I really want to fight for this - know marriages aren't easy abs all that - but I'm feeling out of fight. Maybe it'll come back. It's only week 2!!

Wow
All that and you have only been married 3 years.
I'm exhausted just reading it- I can't see the point if it's that messy after such a short time. You should be having the time of your lives together before kids etc not having counselling for the third time!
Have my first ever ltb and get on with your life and be happy.

@spagbog5

Wow All that and you have only been married 3 years. I'm exhausted just reading it- I can't see the point if it's that messy after such a short time. You should be having the time of your lives together before kids etc not having counselling for the third time! Have my first ever ltb and get on with your life and be happy.

It sounds crap on paper, I know. We both came to the relationship with baggage & his is totally bogging us down. I'm torn between being 'understanding' of his mental health struggles - we all know that men struggle facing their demons - and just giving up which seems a copout in a marriage.

He's a good guy deep down, just emotionally immature. I doubt he'll have a real awakening either. Just so sad it's come to this.

One HUGE thing in your favor is no kids. Sorry if that sounds insensitive because I know you were trying to conceive. But my point is that you CAN get out free and clear at this point. It's so much more entangled and difficult when you have children together.

It sounds like he was really just not a good match for you from the beginning. Now you're already out so it's not even a matter of getting out but just staying out. From what you've said, I'd grab this rare chance for a better future, not consider it a cop-out.

Firstly joint counselling is not recommend where there is abuse.. Abuse tends to increase with pregnancy.

A separation will show nothing.. He will behave, show he is behaving then you are back in the same position.

Drugs and lies lead to drugs and more lies.

@latebloomr I can totally relate. I'm 3 months into separation and I felt exactly like you said, like a weight had been lifted. I'm being more sociable with people, able to plan whatever and however i like. I think it's called freedom!
Mines been 20 years, i see now that there was emotional abuse, gaslighting, substance abuse, gaming addiction, refusal to work which out us in debt. He found work within a month, but seems to think that it will "fix" the problem. The problem is i checked out emotionally a while back. I'd given all i had to help, be understanding, be patient. But he lies and i don't know if i can ever believe what he says again, the trust is gone and I honestly don't know if i can ever get round that.
I'm sure he thinks I'm just having a moment so he's given me space so far, but every now and then i get a text and it sends me right back into feeling anxious and mentally drained because it's usually loaded with expectation, and i am now so guarded about being emotionally manipulated and lied to again.

Do you know how he feels about everything? Do you really think he can change?
If my DH seemed to be more accepting of it ending, i wouldn't be so anxious about feeling that way myself.

[quote ItsAllKindaWeird]@latebloomr I can totally relate. I'm 3 months into separation and I felt exactly like you said, like a weight had been lifted. I'm being more sociable with people, able to plan whatever and however i like. I think it's called freedom!
Mines been 20 years, i see now that there was emotional abuse, gaslighting, substance abuse, gaming addiction, refusal to work which out us in debt. He found work within a month, but seems to think that it will "fix" the problem. The problem is i checked out emotionally a while back. I'd given all i had to help, be understanding, be patient. But he lies and i don't know if i can ever believe what he says again, the trust is gone and I honestly don't know if i can ever get round that.
I'm sure he thinks I'm just having a moment so he's given me space so far, but every now and then i get a text and it sends me right back into feeling anxious and mentally drained because it's usually loaded with expectation, and i am now so guarded about being emotionally manipulated and lied to again.

Do you know how he feels about everything? Do you really think he can change?
If my DH seemed to be more accepting of it ending, i wouldn't be so anxious about feeling that way myself.[/quote]
It depends on how he feels that day. In one conversation he'll say he get he needs to grow up and do what it takes to work it out. In another conversation I'll broach our issues or suggest he talks to a friend about us and he'll lash out at me. Today for example, we'd carefully planned our first in-person chat about us. After 2 weeks apart. He was late, disorganised, had forgotten what we'd says about talking somewhere neutral. I made a dig about old patterns happening again. I probably just kept quiet until we had left the flat. Anyway he got angry. Kept asking over and over why I said it. At first I say I didn't want to do this at home - let's go out and talk like planned. But he pushed and pushed me to say why I made a dig. So I explained why I said it. He snapped abs says this what he didn't want - me talking at him. Even though he'd asked me up explain.

So he left me alone - Saturday pm - ditched our plan to talk. That's basically how most of our arguments go. Usually I'd try and stop him leaving. Beg him to talk it out. But I just let him leave.

He's gaslighting me then stonewalling. Then blames his mental health fir his behaviour. I can't put up with it anymore. I just don't get why he think he still loves me if he can keep doing this.

Hi @latebloomr
As i'm reading your description, it sounds like you know.
When my DH left (at my request), a good friend advised me to write down all the ways he made me feel as it was made up of lots of smaller incidents like this - cold shoulder, moodiness, snapping for no reason, then making out like i was blowing it all out of proportion, demanding to know exact times of when he had done something, or just disagreeing with my version of events (plus other stuff!).
I re-read it every now and then, just to remind myself.

I've been working on my boundaries with him. Just last weekend he wanted to meet to have a chat, when i said no to dinner out (just felt awkward), i suggested coffee somewhere, he suggested the house, i said no and stuck to it.
It gave me time to prep my head as its very easy to fall back into old habits and neutral territory, somewhere public gives you the ability to leave if you're not 100% comfortable.