Shared care of children PLEASE HELP

[crazyrabbitladtly]

Ex DH and I separated 2 years ago. We have 2 DC 5 and 11. I remained in the marital home while he moved into a rental locally. We share the children 50/50 but there is no formal agreement in place.

The girls have been saying consistently they don't want to go to him and want to stay with me. Do their feelings carry any weight? Is there anything I can do?

He would not agree to them spending even 10 minutes more time with me over him, so any change would have to be court ordered. I suspect it's partly due to him wanting to avoid paying me any CS. I'd happily not receive a penny if they could spend more time with me! He's not a reasonable man so discussions are pointless. There are no solid reasons to change the situation (ie no significant welfare concerns) but I do feel he doesn't have much time for them (he works from home), and they are much happier at home with me.

Is there any hope at all of getting the arrangements shifted even to 60/40? He would be kicking and screaming all the way. I feel so sorry for my DC currently. 50/50 just isn't working for them.

Why don't they want to go to him?
I think you might be too quick to give them what they say they want without diving behind the reasons. Especially at 5.
Their relationship with both parents ought to be something you are trying to make work.
Does he rent somewhere as big as the family home?

What is their reasoning ?

I think reasons are key here, and can you support them to explain any issues and address them with their Dad?

My DC saw a children's therapist (to keep it neutral) when they wanted to live with me and not see exH. The therapist helped the DC and exH work on issues. It's not perfect, but their relationship is much better than it was and they don't call me to pick them up from his every time they visit any more.

It's important to have a good relationship with both parents. That might not mean 50/50, but it's important to listen to the DC's concerns and try to address them rather than just reacting by giving in to their whims.

Thank you, that's lots to think about. I hadn't even really considered this, just that they want to be with me and I want them to be with me!

You're all right though. He didn't ever look after them, has never been involved in their day to day care. He basically isn't very good at meeting their needs, practically or emotionally. But I can see the answer isn't necessarily the one I'm suggesting. I just want them to be as happy as they can be. I also see they're struggling with living in two houses.

His house is a good size and very nice. They have lots of toys and home comforts there.

He must be starting to notice and to feel a little overwhelmed and to be even beginning to get a grasp of the load you shouldered. Though from how you describe him,pride won't let him admit that .
Have you talked to school -are they seeing any changes in the kids? Can you suggest counselling - ostensibly to aid transition, best possible experience for kids etc etc.
If he feels he has your support he might step up or prefer to shift to a contact pattern more weighted to you.

Have you told him you won't expect CMS if his time with the children reduces? Knowing that might reassure him that you're not trying to change the contact arrangements for financial reasons.