Consent orders, pension

[mpsssm]

I married my husband in 2008 and we have a 10 year old daughter. I am a teacher with an income of around 43k. I am in the teacher pension scheme with it having a cetv of approx 125k. Our house is worth approx 230k with 100k mortgage. There are no other joint assets.

My ex is unemployed. His pension is worth 20k. (opted out of pension scheme)

The reason for my post is that prior to last year, we were happily married and my husband was working as a carer on the minimum wage . Then the police knocked on my door and to cut a long story short, he was cautioned for a sex offence. Obviously he cannot do care work and this is the reason we are divorcing.

He has moved back in with his Dad, 300 miles away. My ex can have only supervised contact with his daughter (offence not against her) and this is likely to be forever.

This means I do all childcare. I get no maintenance.

We were on the point of signing a consent order giving him 40k and no claim on my pension. At the 11th hour he has asked for more.

Does anyone know what he would be entitled to if it went to court? It seems so unfair that when this is 100% his fault he could get half of everything.

I do have a solicitor but am desperately trying to keep costs down. My daughter's world got turned upside down and I would love for her to stay in her home.

You need to talk to your lawyer. Grim though it sounds the financial order has nothing to do with who is in the wrong or right about the end of the marriage. The normal split is 50:50 of the marital assets. Whether this changes when there the husband is on the at risk register and the impact on the matrimonial home is something you need specialist advice on. It sounds awful. Unmumsnet hugs ((()))

I have a horrible feeling you are right. His family are treating me as if I'm fleecing him. It's just so annoying that, even before everything happened I worked longer hours than him and did all the childcare after school and also the mental load of getting stuff ready for school etc.

I'd spend my evenings planning and marking whilst he relaxed on the sofa.

I did not miss a day's work whilst this was all happening. I've had my home searched by police, had to have social services involvement when I've done nothing wrong and now he gets to sit and wait for a pay out.

Anyway, I feel better for ranting somehow.
He has actually signed the consent order, he's changed his mind after signing. I've not signed it yet, my solicitor said he would sign it first and then get me to go in and sign it.

Unfortunately he has a claim to all the assets regardless of how ( or who ) accumulated them in the marriage. This includes your pension. How they are split will be decided by you both with the help of solicitor and ultimately if you can’t agree a judge in court. They won’t look at fault but they do look at needs. Your needs are higher as you have a minor and sole responsibility for her so you will most likely be awarded a higher share of assets

As a priority your daughter needs to be housed so assets will be split to provide that but unless he agrees a court will probably lol to a ‘fairer’ division of assets than is currently proposed

You really do need to speak with your a solicitor

Solicitor here.

How far had the agreement got? Consent order signed?

And how much more does he want?

50 50 is a starting point, not a goal. His conduct in behaving such as to leave you the sole provider and carer is going to be a significant factor.

So we have a decree nisi, court ordered him to pay my costs, but I only want half.

My solicitor drafted the consent order, and sent it to my ex to sign. Ex said he signed and returned it Tuesday, but I've not heard from my solicitor. I've not signed it yet. Plan was I'd go into my solicitors office once he has a copy.

It was yesterday ex changed his mined after pressure from his family who don't want him to get fleeced.
He agreed to 40k originally as he wanted me to be able to stay in the house and that is the most I can borrow.

Thanks for any advice you can give.

Was the figure agreed by him in writing before the order was sent?

Have you given financial disclosure?

I've declared my pension, savings and the house. That's all we have assets wise.

He's not declared anything, he's nothing to declare anyway. He agreed to 40k verbally sadly. We've not seen each other for ages. I have to supervise contact but its once in a blue moon. I thought it was amicable.

Hi, I'm in similar financial situation. husband unemployed on and off, no pension (i believe he is lying on that) £3000 debts and no savings. Me high pay job, nice pension and a little bit of savings. i have baby full time and he has not seeing him in 5 weeks.

any advice from your current position? i cant believe that marriage these 2 means we have to sacrifice our financial assets.

My solicitor has pretty much said yes, he's entitled to a good share of it. Probably not 50:50 as my daughter will live with me full time, but he will get a lot!

He's also advised that we agree between us, simply because otherwise the costs will escalate. I'm currently waiting for my ex to make a counter proposal.

It's so annoying that he is basically sitting waiting for some cash whilst I'm working all these hours and raising our child. I don't even have time to think to be honest. I leave home at 6.45 in the morning and get home at around 7pm. Then have at least an hour's work to do. Meanwhile he's watching tv

If he has signed it cannot it go to court anyway? Does it matter if he's now changed mind if he has signed original document?

I was thinking the same as @Newnormal99 . Send it anyway

@mpsssm. Yes feels unfair. But there are also a lot of men in a similar position to you as well...underlines why divorce law is such an ass although improving gradually over the years by judges moving the bar

My solicitor says he can't present it if he knows my ex does not agree.

Trouble is my ex doesn't know what he wants. He's not made a counter offer as such. He's "thinking about it"

It does feel unfair to me, and I do get that there are men in my position, but none of this was my doing. All I did was go to work, come home and look after my child.

Wow - this resonates with me in that I'm a teacher and ex barely worked and then his infidelity ended the marriage. Like you I felt like I was having to subsidise him and his lifestyle choices even after the marriage ended. He started off saying he wanted nothing from me as he felt guilty, but then changed his mind and took £12k from the house (maximum I could borrow at that point - we had a lot less equity than you) and will get a further £10k when ds2 turns 21. Luckily he was always adamant that he wanted none of my pension. Once he gets the £10k he will have had just over half of the equity we had but none of my pension, so less than 50% of overall assets. Unlike your ex mine does have the dc regularly (about twice a week) but CM was non-existent for years and now pitiful. It is bloody enraging and I really feel for you. If £40k is the maximum you can borrow maybe you could put something in place like I have and give him another lump sum when the dc is of age. You might be able to save it up or could release some equity or maybe even take it from the pension. He definitely shouldn't get 50% of everything when he's not contributing to upbringing or upkeep of the dc and their needs should be prioritised - why should they have to move house along with the other upheaval just to give him a few more thousands?

As for the idea that men have been in this position, I think it's overwhelmingly women who, especially in recent years, have good but time-consuming careers but still mainly run the house and do the traditional 'wife-work'/caring for the children and carry the mental load and then end up having to hand thousands over to feckless men who then don't have much to do with the dc or don't make an effort to support them. I think the amount of men in that position will be small (but I'm in solidarity with any who are) and comparing it to divorces in which the man has been the breadwinner and the woman either a sahp or in low-paid work and then the man obviously has to support her after marriage as she has low earning capacity due to bringing up his kids is irrelevant - the two situations are completely different.

Good luck OP - I really hope you get a fair outcome that reflects your contribution.

Kills me to write this yes but each case is looked at individually.
40000 lawyer fees barristers fees mediation fees accountant fees and still on going .He has not spent a penny Indo not wish him well .
You have to find a way if you still can get him to happy place
your lawyers right
Damn his famly .
The term be equally yoked can not be lost in this situation