What to do ?

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I am financially secure with my H, we have a lovely home, 2 DC (14 & 11), we want for nothing (within reason). I get a lot of free time to do my own thing, including going on holiday with my friends and days/nights out and week-ends away.

Together for 16 years but I no longer love or fancy my H. I do not want sex with him and we don't have sex. He refuses to discuss anything about sex as he gets embarrassed (he acts like a 16 year old, we are mid 40s) when discussing sex, periods or anything similar. We are basically like house mates and do own washing, buy own food, eat separately, go to bed different times.

He likes gaming - I cannot stand it. He will spend most of the week-end playing championship manager or gaming on his phone while I do my own thing. I am not interest in trying to change him or speaking to him about it all.

I want to separate but I don't know how it would work. He wont leave the house and I am not leaving with the 2 DC, it would be unfair on DC to remove them from their family home and leave H with the house to himself and the DC bedrooms empty (but I could afford to leave and rent if I had to). Do we continue to live under the same roof ? we don't have a spare bedroom and the option of DC sharing or one of us in with DC is not an option. H will be very nasty to me (but not physical) if I tell him I want to separate. It would make living under the same roof hell for everyone including DC.

We don't argue, we don't do anything together. I don't want to do anything with him, But I don't want to rock the boat and start all the upset that it will cause. I will also lose friends over any split as we are friends with a few couples who are mainly his friends and they would take his 'side'.

He has no idea how I feel.

What to do ?

Also to add, H is like a man child. I feel like his mother most of the time. I always have. He cannot make a decision without me. He has social anxiety and cannot do group meets without having a drink in his hand. Every decision is down to me, After 16 years he has no idea what my fav perfume is, what shoe size I am, what clothes size I am, I once asked him my bra size and he held his hands out to make a cup size and said 'about that I think'. childish.

He has no idea how to treat a lady, the last time we were out together after going for a meal he fell asleep in the back of the taxi drunk with his mouth open. That is not how I want to end the night, I cried silently to myself. Yes have a drink but not to that extend when you are out with your wife

Sounds like you already ARE separated. Do you need a formal declaration or something?

He's not the daily role model I'd want in my children's lives. Was he substantially a different person when you chose him to sire your offspring?

You can't live like this for the next 40 years.

Do you work? Would there be enough equity in the house if you sold it and bought two smaller ones?

Following cos this is me as well.
I am so torn. All the negative effects on my dc. I don’t know... do I just accept this is as good as it gets?

If you are financially secure why are you worried about leaving him. Surely you will be entitled to a share of the house and other assets? There are plenty of people not financially secure and have nothing and leave their other half because they are unhappy with the marriage. If you are worried about loosing all the nice benefits of the marriage then there will come a point when you will not care if you don't get a penny as you would prefer to just be happy.

@Millshake01 - yes I would be ok ish money wise. But, its the unknown of how horrible he will be to me, how difficult he will make my life, how much mud and nastiness will be thrown around. Up ending the kids, moving the kids. I can't afford the house alone, he can. I don't want to sell the house, I want him to keep it until the youngest is 18. I also don't want to lose the benefits I have now ie the freedom, big house and that I (we) get included on holidays, weekends away with his couple friends. That would all stop if we separated

I don't know how old your children are, but it's likely that they are aware you aren't happy.

I also stayed with my STBEX, thinking it was the right thing to do. Truth is, being with him was so draining, it's taken its toll.
The children are far happier now we are separated, and have told me so.

It's meant we can no longer afford the sorts of things we used to, but they don't mind. He earns far more than me. Everything I earn goes on the kids, meanwhile he's footloose and fancy free (Covid permitting :) ).

I can't lie. It's not been easy. My STBEX has behaved pretty poorly since we split, and has repeatedly let the kids down. I've had to really bite my tongue. But it was definitely the right thing to do. Looking back, I wish I had had the guts to instigate a split years ago. In sticking it out, I think I have given my children the wrong message. I hope they don't repeat my mistake.

Sorry, just re-read and you did give children's ages.
They will be amply aware of how unhappy you are.
I wish for my kids' sake, I'd had the balls to do back then what I am suggesting you do now.

Just saw this looking through relationship board. I'm in exactly this position. I've told husband it's over but neither of us have the money to get away. I think he should go and I should keep the house until kids are over 18 (currently 12 and 16). He wants me to get him enough money to buy a flat but I'm on a low income. Looks like we're stuck for now. I've got an appointment with a solicitor in the coming week to find out if I can get a separation agreement while living together as I just want to be able to keep moving this forward. There are many people in this position. We also don't have the space to have separate rooms. It's shit, but I actually feel better having told him how I feel. My biggest fear is he thinks that staying living together means I'll change my mind but I won't.
It's going to be hard but worth it in the end.

Also, I was convinced husband would be vile to me after I told him I wanted to separate but the opposite is true. He's actually being nicer than normal, which feels very fake but I'm grateful for that. It's awkward though. I stay out of his way. We tend to sit in the same room together only in the evenings with DC to watch something on the TV so it feels normal for them. I'm still doing all the cooking for us both (and kids) and also doing nearly all the housework and this is worrying as I'm making it so easy for him to stay. Once I've spoken to a solicitor I'll have a better idea. They might advise I do nothing for him, which I should probably be doing anyway but it's just so hard as I would feel cruel not making him food when I'm Cook anyway,, or separating the washing.