He’s muscling in on my days with kids - can I say no?

[Earlgrey19]

STBXH is on a phased return to work after being ill. Some of the days I have the kids they are in after school care. He is saying he wants to pick them those days and look after them until I finish work. Do I have any grounds to say no? He’s emotionally abusive and I feel this is partly about boundary pushing (he always finds a way). He’s saying it’s in kids’ best interests. He’ll also want to look after them in the family home, where I live and work, and not his flat as it’s further away from school and nursery. I don’t want this for obvious reasons and not least because being in this space with me always triggers him to flip into rageful feelings towards me then I’ll get a barrage of difficult messages from him that keep me up at night...

Oh god say no and don't even continue the discussion. I certainly wouldn't let him have the kids in my home regardless

Yes you can just say no it is your day and you have every right to put them in childcare.

There's every chance he's just trying to sabatage your job by saying he'll get the kids then cancelling last minute. Don't give him that power

100% just say no

Absolutely not to the family home. You are allowed to say he doesn’t come in. I’m a bit more ambivalent about the after school care, too many unknowns to have an opinion, but covering a few bases: No if he makes it harder for you ie doesn’t drop them back. No if he’s flaky. No if he uses it to bother you.

“Right of first refusal” is a pretty common provision in a custody agreement. It basically means before you secure child care of decent length (not 30 min while you run to the shop) you have to offer the time to the other parent. So he does have a strong case for wanting the kids instead of putting them in the after school program.

I would absolutely say no to him having them in your house. He needs to make his own home for his children.

Say no.

Reason being when he’s back to work full time you’ll have lost the childcare you’ve arranged. What’s going to happen then?

You definitely do not have to agree to having him in your house, and no court will force you to either.

Also the children will benefit from having a set routine, you having to race around across town after work to collect them from a potentially volatile angry man will not benefit anyone.

I’d say no and refuse to enter into discussion about it.

Do I have a legal right to say he can’t look after kids in family home where I live if he is still co owner of house? We haven’t done financial settlement yet — early days.

Do you have an occupation order? Or if he was abusive a non-mol?

Or has he just voluntarily moved out?

I’d get on to a solicitor to ensure he can’t legally enter your home.

Wouldn’t a compromise be to say he can take them (guessing it’s better for the children to be with a parent than in childcare) but that can’t happen in the family home BECAUSE you are working! That’s reason enough. Don’t jeopardise your work and concentration to facilitate him.

If he hasn’t got a good enough alternative home then it might push him into sorting it out, which is in the children’s interest anyway.