Hello
I have finally, after much soul-searching, decided to divorce my husband.
Quick synopsis of our marriage:
10 years married, no children. Haven't had any intimacy in over 7 years. His touch repulses me :( I love him as a friend. Reasons for the breakdown of the marriage (in my view, I am sure his story would be different): too many broken promises, wife-work, him being snappy and grumpy but then always denying he uses 'a tone'. We both cheated at one point but the marriage limped on.
Many of the things that allowed resentment to build up have now been resolved (he does just as much housework for example) but they have taken such a long time to get fixed that I am just done. I just don't feel anything more than friendship for him anymore.
We are both still young (I am 40, he is 36) and I want to give both of us a chance to move on. Haven't had the conversation yet, building up to it, as I'm pretty sure he won't want to divorce. So first making sure I am informing myself, and have done all the research before having the chat.
I am now trying to write examples of unreasonable behaviour in such a way that they do not come across as too inflammatory as would like us to remain amicable. Plus I know that I am equally at fault for the collapse of the marriage.
I don't want to involve solicitors for anything but the financial consent order, so trying to do most of it myself/ourselves.
I now have 2 questions and would welcome any advice.
a)
I earn two thirds of what he does, and have a worse pension. We have our own accounts plus a joint account from which we pay bills, and we each pay a percentage of our salary into. So he pays more towards the mortgage and bills, as he earns more.
I want to suggest that upon divorce and sale of the house we split the equity 50/50 and we keep our respective pensions. A clean break. I also want to suggest that we keep the same financial agreement (with him paying more into the joint) until the divorce is finalised. To protect myself, against him dragging on the divorce etc.
Do people think this is fair? From what I've read so far I think I may be appointed more (due to earning less/being older/having a worse pension/having moved across country for his job etc.) and am hoping that he realises this and therefore goes along with my suggestion.
But does that (wanting to keep the same arrangement until we are divorced) make me a greedy cow?
b)
Would the following examples be considered acceptable by the court?
Example 1
My husband snaps at me all the time, over the smallest things. The most recent example was on 02/05/2021 when he asked me if a friend of mine had returned a garden tool – which we had lent her a couple of weeks ago – yet. When I responded that she would like to use it for a couple of days longer he got irritated and snappy with me. Every time it happens I ask him to please stop snapping at me, and to just use a normal tone. Nothing ever changes, as the next day he does it again. It leaves me feeling disrespected, unloved, resentful and walking on egg shells.
Example 2
In addition to constantly snapping at me my husband denies he does it. Whenever I point it out and ask him to please not treat me like that (as in the previous example, on 02/05/21) he will immediately deny it, in a very sweet voice, and tell me that I misunderstood him, that it’s all in my head. I feel he is gaslighting me constantly and it leaves me feeling diminished, anxious and insecure, and as if my feelings don’t matter.
Example 3
My husband leaves me in charge of all the life admin, including everything to do with his side of the family, even though we both work full-time. I have begged him on so many occasions to please deal with these things himself as I have enough on my plate and it simply isn’t fair, we are supposed to be equal partners, and he will promise to make more of an effort, but nothing ever changes. His mother’s birthday is coming up and yet again it is me who has remembered it and told him to get a card (02/05/21). The fact that despite many arguments he still expects me to be his personal assistant even though he is just as capable, leaves me feeling utterly disrespected and unloved.
Example 4
If my husband isn’t working, he is gaming. We practically live separate lives, and he needs constant reminding that there are other things in life than gaming. He will never take the initiative to stop a game himself, I have to nag him like he is a teenage boy. The last time I asked him to stop gaming and keep me company was a couple of weeks ago (some time in April, I don’t remember the exact date). I have stopped asking as there is no point. Nothing ever changes. I might as well be single, considering how lonely I feel.
Example 5
The constant broken promises. I cannot rely on him for anything. So many times when I ask him to do something he will nod and agree, then he doesn’t do it. Not only doesn’t he do it, but every time we go through a little dance of him getting angry at me for reminding him, denying he has forgotten, then eventually admitting he has forgotten, and promising to make more effort in future. However, he never does. He is a grown man in a responsible job, completely capable of making diary entries and memory aids but makes no effort to do so. The most recent example was when he promised to order the cat’s medication (end of April just gone). I ended up having to do it. It leaves me feeling unloved, sad and very resentful.
Some are slightly exaggerated, and I am planning on giving him the chance to file himself against me, so as to ensure he doesn't feel too attacked..!
Thanks so much for any advice!