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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

He wants to do alternating nights for the kids

13 replies

Earlgrey19 · 23/04/2021 22:27

Just separated from emotionally abusive ex. Still reeling from the scale of the emotional attacks on me before he left.

He wants to have the kids every other night. They are age 6 & 3. I worry this means they are constantly going from one house to the other and could be unsettling. He also has moved into a one bed flat as temporary accommodation, so arguably not that suitable, though he would hit the roof if I suggested that. I’m in family home (for now — we might need to sell). I’m not that happy with 50:50 share, though that’s another matter. Thoughts on alternating nights as a pattern?

OP posts:

ChequerBoard · 23/04/2021 22:33

Sounds horribly disruptive for the kids shuffling backwards and forwards every other day. I would have thought it would be better to have a more regular pattern. Are you both equally able to take DC to school / nursery from your locations?

Sounds to be like an excuse on his part to still be in your face as much as possible

Rainbowqueeen · 23/04/2021 22:36

I know someone who did this for a while. Kids hated it.

Just say over and over it’s not in the best interests of the kids I propose xyz.

Sounds to me like he is doing it to keep some form of daily contact and control over you

Szyz2020 · 23/04/2021 22:37

That’s a terrible idea. For the dc, and you. Even if they were not so young I would say that but at 6 & 3 that’s not a good plan. Totally unsettling.

Trixie78 · 23/04/2021 22:39

No don't do this. He's still trying to control you by putting in a contact plan which will unsettle you all and allow him regular access to you.

Firefliess · 23/04/2021 22:43

Sounds very unsettling for the kids, and logistically challenging with getting their stuff to and from a new home each night. The people I've known who made 50-50 work mostly did one parent having Monday to Wednesday, the other Wednesday to Friday and then alternating weekends (which gives a 5, 5 2, 2 night routine for the kids) That means they're always with the same parent on set weekdays, so you can make your own decisions about clubs, childcare, etc. And all handovers via school. An alternate night system would mean a lot of contact between the two of you, and a lot of potential for conflict over things the kids do in the week. It would also prevent you ever going away for a weekend either with or without them. So in short, it sounds awful to me. I'd fight that more than I'd fight the 50-50 element if I was you.

mamal29 · 23/04/2021 22:48

Please don't do this. It really fucked my cousins up and they lived out of suitcases for years. If they forgot things, the Dad would always get angry.
This is not healthy.

BertieBotts · 23/04/2021 22:51

No court would agree to this as it's much too disruptive for the children.

If you want to do 50/50 then do a week on/week off or swap midweek. They need at least 3-4 days wherever they are going or for one house to be the main residence with 1-2 nights per week at the other house, not constant coming and going.

Llyn · 23/04/2021 22:53

The handover, where they have to adjust between houses and parenting styles, and separate from one of their parents, is the most difficult bit for most children. Whatever arrangements you settle on, I recommend thinking about how to minimise the number of transitions the children have to make, and how to make them as easy as possible for them. A lot of children find it easier for handovers to happen via school, so they have a bit of neutral space in between, and so they don’t get exposed to any atmosphere... even when we’re trying our hardest to be polite, they pick up on our emotions.

Of all the 50/50 arrangements I have known (as a child of separated parents, as a separated parent myself, and someone who has worked professionally with separated parents for 10 years), the 5, 5, 2, 2 pattern described above has been the most successful.

KurtWilde · 23/04/2021 22:53

No this is totally unfair on your DC and also for you. He's trying to keep control of your time, and it's not in the best interests of your DC to be passed back and forth like that. Say no, stick to your guns, and tell him you're happy to discuss a more suitable arrangement.

waitingforthenextseason · 23/04/2021 22:56

I've seen this as I'm in a primary school.

Poor kids were incredibly unsettled. It was awful for them. Didn't know who was picking them up each day, didn't always have their 'stuff', were usually late on alternating days (one parent lived farther away from school). And they acted out terribly at school because of it.

HosannainExcelSheets · 26/04/2021 10:19

My ex did this too, and moved to an inappropriate small flat. In my case we have 3 DC with additional needs who need space to themselves so ideally a bedroom each.

I just stick to my guns of saying no overnight stays until he had more space. He finally moved to a 2 bed place (still not ideal) and the DC stay EOW on Friday and Saturday night.

He gave up pretty quickly when he realised he couldn't control me any more.

JAMacD · 27/04/2021 14:30

Make sure if you do 50 50 that its fair on the kids and fair on you both. We found the reality is that the first night the kids have gone to the other parent they dont sleep well, are easily upset, and generally unsettled. To the extent that I dont arrange any playdates for the first day they are back with me as they need time to adjust. They sleep better on the second or third night, and seem more settled, they're more able to cope with the unexpected, or difficulties with friends once they're through the first transitional day. So it feels like a minimum of 3 nights in each place is helpful

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 27/04/2021 14:54

Hideous and only of benefit to your abusive ex. Completely refuse and tell him every other weekend until he has suitable accommodation for the children (but I wouldnt be racing into any more contact if he is abusive). Don't be frightened of him and his reactions btw that's how bullies win - you have to front to them. Think like a mantra - I am putting my children first and I will defend them no matter what, and dont back down.

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