Now that DH has gone, I have hardly anyone

[Timeishere]

DH and I have separated, I moved to his hometown 5 years ago, I have 2 young DCs and work from home. I'm part of a wider team but I'm very much a lone worker and there haven't been any face to face meetings since last March.

My parents aren't around anymore and my sibling is 20 miles away. I have made a few friends where I live, but they are loose friendships, we have nice conversations but they haven't deepened to going out together. Most people here have lived here all their lives so already have very busy, deep social networks which are difficult to become part of. There is a local running group, but a chronic health condition won't allow for running.

DH kept his vast friendships very separate from our marriage, so I never made friends with the WAGs in the group, although again, conversations we did have were always pleasant.

When I don't have the DCs with me, I'm bordering hysterical. I very much feel abandoned here by DH. I have friends that I meet up with every 2-3 weeks, but a couple have newborns and they all live atleast 8 miles away, so we're in different places, at different stages of life.

I'm usually good at keeping on top of my mental health, but really faltering now. I'm finding it very hard as I'm extremely lonely. I can hear my neighbours in their gardens, meeting old friends and missed family neighbours and I'm completely alone, day in,day out apart from the odd meet-up with friends where possible.

I also haven't told any of the acquaintances I've made in the village about the separation from DH, as I don't want to tell everyone my business, but also by not telling them, they don't know that I'm wanting to make friends.

I'm concerned that this is only going to fet worse for me and that I'll end up taking antidepressants. I can tell I'm on the way, as I'm losing patience with people around me who seem to have it all together. Social media isn't helping either, but without it, I feel even more lonely.

It doesn't help that DH has a very supportive family and social network here. I feel abandoned by his family, it took 2 months for anyone to message me and ask how I was.

Would love to hear some helpful advice?

Can you move nearer to your sibling? I would...don't stay where there's nobody at all. Also, remember...lockdown has made an exaggeratedly lonely life for a lot of people. How old are your DC?

Hugs. That sounds crap.
Tbh you sound a bit depressed already. I'd ring your Dr and say you're struggling. Even if you don't need drugs now it'll be on record for if you do. And the drugs can help take the edge off - you don't have to be suicidal. They take 2 weeks to kick in.
Friends wise. I find it takes 2 years to become good mates. But you do have to be open and make yourself vulnerable by sharing stuff like you're a single parent.
I'd start by doing something formal eg PTA
Just to get used to chatting away. Eg it's fathers day coming up so you could offer to organise a FD shop (I know, the irony). An easy one because you can order gifts now online in packs.
Then you have to be proactive. Playdates, join stuff. Book baby sitters. Host a book group. And you'll meet people who aren't a fit.
Is there a single parents group near you? If not set one up.
I'm doing some of the stuff I advise so I know it's hard.

It takes a while to get into living without someone even if you were unhappy. It also takes a while to build friendships but it does take effort. The usual things do work, book clubs, gyms, tennis, childrens groups, PTA, etc.

I’m sorry that sounds really hard - made harder by the current situation with covid.

My advice is, as Picak says, that you really do need to open up to your ‘loose friendships’ and tell them real stuff about your life in order for your friendships to deepen and really develop - otherwise it’ll all be very superficial and surface level. I understand that you might find this hard and I really sympathise as I do find it difficult to open up to people but it’s really worth it! Perhaps suggest a walk with someone and then allow yourself to open up a bit.

Hi @Timeishere I am in the same position. Whilst I was going through the divorce i withdrew from the people i did know because it was just a complete mess and I didn't want to burden people as it dragged on for several years....meanwhile ex had picked up with his pre-me friends/friends that i didn't really know and was living his best life with a new girlfriend. Divorce finally settled and then covid and now co-workers are saying they would rather work from home permanantly. I dont have a lot of time between work and kids so definitely not doing PTA but am also trying to find new groups of people to meet. I have started a friendship with one person, but i only seem to be able to keep friends for about 6 months and then it fades and am finding i am more and more scared about trying to make friends because i don't want more and more rejection.

I empathise with the rejectjon side of things @celestialgalaxy it's very hard.

The problem with moving closer to my brother is that he's literally the only person I would know in that area. My family and friends are so scattered about the county that, if I move to be nearer to one of them, I'll still be pretty much on my own.

There are some good ideas for making friends here though- I'm not sure if there is a book club etc but I will look. The problem will be finding a group that MIL isn't already part of 😒.

I have tried to move the loose friendships on in the past, but I'm finding that if people already have brimming social lives, they don't feel the need to make more friends. There is one lady who is lovely and I would say, quite lonely herself, but she tends to talk AT me non-stop. I can't get a word in and come away from her feeling drained. It's difficult as she does have a heart of gold, just not great social skills.

This is a quiet board so you might get more response if you report and ask MNHQ to move to relationships.

To cope with the hysteria you feel when alone, can you do some online yoga classes.

Can you join a walking group? Would you like a low maintenance dog like a greyhound/lurcher? It would provide company whilst you're in the house and social interaction with others when you're walking it.

The WI? A book club? If you like reading there's a lovely online book club called Lost In a Good Book.

Would your brother meet up for a drink? Is there a relationship with him worth nurturing?

Sorry X-posted with you on some of your points!

I have actually found that I attract this type of person quite a lot. I can think of 2 others who have lovely intentions but are tiring to be around. I've noticed that the others in the village seem to give them a wide birth. They are nice people but don't have the best social skills and it is very tiring being talked at rather than to.

Thanks @SylvieHortensis
My ex and his sister lurks in the relationships forum, so can't really post there.
Online yoga would be a way to cope I think... there must be one that does classes on a Saturday evening somewhere (🤞).
I keep wondering whether to get a dog, but DC2 is a challenging toddler so I'm not sure whether throwing a puppy into the mix would help. I think that, eventually, I will definitely get a dog.

So sorry you are in this position x. Where do you live (as in county, or, part of UK)

@DDIJ the plan is to move eventually. I'm still in the family home, but the intention is to sell it. I'm not sure about moving area as DC1 recently started school and has made friends. I worry about up-routing her. I could move to the next village, which wouldn't be too disruptive for her as she could remain at her current school, but would perhaps give me the scope to make new friends.

No, not a puppy - a rescue dog

Yoga with Adrienne is often recommended on here and isn't live so will be there on Saturday nights.

Isn't it a shame that loneliness can make people so intense that they repel people? I was very lonely when DD started primary school years ago. I rehomed a lurcher and adopted a bright and breezy attitude and then every fucker wanted to talk to me!

are there any toddler groups? that may be great for getting to know people. that and the school gate.
or do you work full time?

You.know what? You find a group and you GO. Unless you did something heinous to exDH, what can MIL do or say even if she IS at the same group? If she has bitched about her evil exDIL to her group friends the best antidote is to show them how lovely you are. Tell people about the divorce up front, you’ll feel better.

If someone is rude enough to question you about the divorce, you just say, tearily, “divorce is terrible, I feel like I’ve lost everything including my husband’s wider family but I want to stay in the village here with them for my children’s sake.”

If you turn up, and there MiL is at the group, so what? You wait til MIL is chatting to someone, then breeze up to her with a smile and say, “oh, MIL, how nice to find someone here I know, you can introduce me to everyone!” Then you turn to the person she is chatting to and say, “,hello, I’m Timeishere, sorry to interrupt, MIL is my ex-husband’s mum, so I had to pop over and say hi.”

Simultaneously this let’s MIL know you are fine with the relationship, not intimidated , and that you belong in the village too. You don’t have to carve up the village, that wasn’t part of the divorce settlement.

Hadn't even considered a rescue dog- that could work.

I think you're right that loneliness repels people... I've found this too.

I'm browsing groups in/around the area today- haven't found anything yet but will keep looking. I have one day off during the week and it's just typical that none of the toddler groups in the area fall on this day!