I want to vent...

[SaintVal]

... but also would like some advice. I am three years divorced and 50 years old with DS6. I suppose you could say I get on ok now with my exH (DS's Dad) but that is something that has taken time; we are not at each other's throats and we've both moved on. I know when married couples divorce they are financially responsible for themselves going forward but this is the bit I'm still struggling with - IT'S SO BLOODY UNFAIR!

My exH is 11 year's younger. When we met, I had a career working in London and he'd just returned from Australia where he'd been bumming around for a year. I was earning good money and bonuses, he was broke. We were both young (he was 25 and I was 36) and had a lot of fun together going out to fancy bars and restaurants, nice holidays - you know, the child free life! After three years together, we decided to get married and move back down to the South coast (where we both grew up) and try for a baby. It was a big decision for me as I would be quitting a London salary and I knew my pay would be instantly halved. But it was ok, by this time he had a good job and his career was starting to take off - he would be the breadwinner and provide the lion's share. We moved down South, bought a house, got married and on our 4th round of IVF (no point detailing but probably a whole other story!) I got pregnant with our beautiful boy. When he had just turned two, my ex announced on Boxing Day that he didn't love me anymore and was leaving. Completely out of the blue (although of course it wasn't) he'd been having an affair for a year, which all began to come out in the week's that followed. He was angry with me, because I had found stuff out about him and turned it all on to me. I loved him so much, it was an awful time for me and our families. He pressurised me right from the start to sell the family home but I stood my ground and took legal advice and ended up being there for 18 months. In the end, we took the mediation route and because there was no way I could take on the mortgage, we agreed to sell with a 70/30 split in assets. Sounds good but we were not massive earners.

As soon as that court order came back, he moved in with OW despite saying at mediation he needed enough money to rent a two bedroomed flat (should've seen that one coming). She had a 4 bed house. Then he got his name on the mortgage and his career has since taken off. They are still together. We sold the family home and my DS and I had to go into temporary accommodation whilst I waited to complete on a new build flat. I put all my money from the divorce into it and still only managed to buy 40%. Fast forward to now and my son and I are still in the flat, which we both love. I can't afford holidays or any luxuries really but we are happy.

Here's the problem - I am still bitter that we made a decision as a couple to marry and with that came compromise and the belief that we were a team working together towards the same goals. Until he pulled the plug. I work part time (5 hours a day) which allows me to do the school run but I feel trapped in my job because it's secure and steady but I don't earn very much. I live month to month and I now rely on Universal Credit. When you marry you don't have a Plan B - well, I didn't anyway. If I work longer hours I'll see less of my son, will have to pay for after school clubs and my UC will be reduced. How do I get out of this? I am still single and not interested in a relationship at the moment so it's down to me. Maybe if I was exH's age (39) it wouldn't be such a major issue but I'm 51 this year and starting to panic there's not enough in my pension pot for the future.

Told you it was a vent! I wish I could shake this hard done by feeling but it's really getting me down. Does anyone else feel the same way and/or have any advice?

You are perfectly entitled to feel hard done by. You married and trusted that you would both abide by your vows. You sacrificed a huge part of who you were, believing that you both shared the same dream and goals and that it would be for life. My situation is similar only my husband dumped me after our IVF resulted in miscarriage and he consoled himself with his colleague. I know it’s hard but you have to remember that your current circumstances are temporary. Your son will get older and less reliant which will enable you to increase your hours, change careers etc. Why can’t your ex step up and pay for after school activities?

I am sorry for your story - being cheated on isn't right and I can understand how it feels when you gave so much.

My story is almost like yours but in reverse. My ex wife cheated on me - one day I was eating toast in the morning and she just ended it. No warning - just it's over, I've found someone else and you need to be out by the end of the week. I was in my 30's and had to start again.

I knew something hadn't been right for years as she never wanted to commit to purchasing a house (even though we both at the time had good salaries).

I found out that she had been sleeping with a so called family friend for over a year.

We had a difficult divorce, she ended the marriage but made it so hard to actually get a divorce (delayed getting paperwork back, quibbling over small things that in all honesty I could not of cared less about).

In the years that followed she managed to lose her job (she claimed that she had a break down and the company made it difficult for her to return, I have since found out that the "breakdown" was actually brought on because they were moving to terminate her for misconduct).

She had to take much lower paid work and has constantly been after more and more money from me. I have always paid well above what the CMA determined was appropriate (I was quite happy paying over 1K a month in Child Maintenance).

I on the other hand have rebuilt my life and done well in my job and have a stable and healthy income. I don't have a partner - but have had relationships and overall I have been happy.

Over the last few years her behaviour has become more and more erratic - where it is clear that she is quite bitter that she perceives that my life is better than hers (mainly financially as that seems to be her primary agitator). It reached a point last year where our child elected to come and live with me as they could not take her mania any longer.

So, I am a full time dad as well as working full time too. However she still contacts me randomly demanding child maintenance money for a child who no longer lives with her and hasn't done so for over a year.

She has demanded that I pay her rent when her wages and universal credit don't stretch far enough (not sure how that works).

She has told our child frequently that it's not fair that I have what I have earned and that I didn't give more and that I "live the life of a king" - when the truth was I always stepped up to provide for my child.

When she had mishaps in her home with appliances I would replace them as she could not afford to as it was for the benefit of our kid.

I struggle with the bitterness and contempt that she has for me and, what is constant harassing behaviour - as I just don't understand why she can't move on and let it go of a relationship that ended over 17 years ago now.

I can't help that things have by and large gone well for me - I, like her had challenges and overcame them. I accepted that what had happened was the way things were and it was down to me to control them.

During the times over the last 17 years where she was doing well and things weren't quite working out for me - I never gave a second thought to how fair that was as I was always grateful that I was out of a toxic relationship with someone who just didn't love me and was willing to betray me.

I know that it is easy to say to someone "oh, just move on" - but - in all honesty if you can find a way to reconcile it in your head you'll be much happier.

There's obviously much more to what happened in my story - but, I doubt that anyone would want me to go on all day about it.

I wish you well.