How do you prevent parental alienation?

Perinono · 2021-04-17T07:41:50+00:00

Currently separated with teenagers. Both kids know about affair that H has had/is having because the OW is a family friend and both sets of kids know each other and talk..... I'm aware that H thinks I am turning kids against him. But I am trying to be honest with kids as he just refuses to talk properly to them.... I think he's incapable, wrapped up in guilt and self denial. He refuses to talk about the future, we haven't yet talked about divorce. They are teenagers, I can't hide the facts. And some of the facts they are told by other kids. I haven't given them all the details but how on earth can I be positive about their father when he is behaving so abominably? One of the kids won't talk to him anyway and there's nothing I can do about that..... Anyone been in similar position or have advice please?

PicaK · 17/04/2021 08:58

Go for some counselling.
Having an affair is awful but there are 2 sides to every story and you need to get clarity on what went wrong and why you drifted apart.
Your kids need to be told that adult emotions are hard, that you're hurt but that it doesn't make their dad a bad person and his love for them hasn't changed. And same for OW and her kids.
It is messy with both sets of kids knowing each other.
Involve the school. Get them a safe place /person to talk it through with.
Your DH needs to get a grip. Can you get him to joint counselling to discuss how you'll coparent.
stay fair for them but it's OK for them to see you sad. Vent here and to your mates.

Original poster

Perinono · 17/04/2021 09:10

Thank you PicaK, that is really solid sensible advice. He won't do counselling, we tried it but he wanted to stop. A big part of the problem is he still claims it is just a friendship but he refuses to stop seeing her so there's a lot of self denial going on and he just can't get a grip.....
Sadly the kids won't talk to anyone, have become quite insular about it as they are so hurt. One has told some friends I know that.
I do tell the kids that he loves them and is their Dad etc. but I struggle to tell them positive things as I am so so very angry...... how can I tell them he's a good person? I know he used to be but he's changed. I am having therapy myself but the situation feels impossible and I can't see how H's relationship with the kids will ever be good again....

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LouiseTrees · 17/04/2021 09:17

You don’t have to say positive things but neutral tangential things can help “ everybody makes mistakes in life, some bigger than others”, “ people show different levels of loyalty to partners but that doesn’t change their love for their children” and you have to actively avoid saying anything negative if you can. Then tell him you are deliberately not saying anything negative but you need his help to find something positive to say about the whole situation. Then explain they are hearing things from others.

Original poster

Perinono · 17/04/2021 09:24

@LouiseTrees

You don’t have to say positive things but neutral tangential things can help “ everybody makes mistakes in life, some bigger than others”, “ people show different levels of loyalty to partners but that doesn’t change their love for their children” and you have to actively avoid saying anything negative if you can. Then tell him you are deliberately not saying anything negative but you need his help to find something positive to say about the whole situation. Then explain they are hearing things from others.

Thank you, more wise words🙂

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Peanutbutterandbananatoastie · 17/04/2021 11:01

Ultimately the only person who can prevent it is your not quite ex husband.

AutumnColours9 · 18/04/2021 00:24

I was in the same position and advised not to say he loves them etc but just stay neutral and leave the door open should they want to contact in future. Acknowledge your kids right to be angry and disappointed. Don't make excuses for him or let him blame the marriages. Some people cheat regardless of the state of marriage. It is not your responsibility to sort out his mess. Nor do you have to teach your kids it is OK to treat people badly with no consequences whatsoever.

MrsBertBibby · 18/04/2021 12:51

Can I suggest family mediation, including the children? They are old enough to be in charge of their own relationships with their dad.

Is he actually claiming you are alienating the children?

coodawoodashooda · 18/04/2021 12:52

It's not your job. It's his.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 18/04/2021 13:36

By behaving decently towards your children and the people they love (i.e. their other parent). If you cant manage that then you may have to suffer the consequences of your actions. Most people learn this as children. Stay neutral is good advice.

Original poster

Perinono · 19/04/2021 23:15

Wow, just seen further comments, a mixed bag!
It is indeed very hard to treat him decently when he has not been decent to us..... and yes, why should I teach the kids that his behaviour is ok and there's no consequences to such bad behaviour?!.....
It is very difficult and I agree it is completely up to him to repair relationships.
He's not actually accused me of alienation, just implied that I am saying too much to them and I think he thinks I am sabotaging any slight improvements in communication with the angrier child. I can't win really.
Family mediation sounds a fantastic idea in theory but H has shut down in any proper communication really and feels that therapy exposes him too much🙄 so he wouldn't agree to it. And kids have shut down in talking and I know would refuse to take part or even attend. We are all so damaged by it😪 and H just in denial....... I think he believes it will all be accepted and ok in the end. Hopeless situation is how I really feel....

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coodawoodashooda · 20/04/2021 04:47

He doesn't have to agree. Go to family therapy without him. You can start calling the shots you know!

SummerSazz · 20/04/2021 06:37

How do you see the future? A potential reconciliation or him moving out and divorce? You haven't made it clear in your post - is this because you'd like to try and salvage it?

He seems to be calling all the shots at the moment and you're all in limbo. He won't stop seeing her, won't do counselling, won't talk about the future.....

I think you need to decide what you want to do for YOU and then start the wheels in motion.

Sorry you're going through this - DH and I separated but thankfully no affair and all pretty amicable but still hard.

TheghostofAuntieMabel · 20/04/2021 06:54

Are you still living under the same roof? If not is he having contact time with them? Is the OW still with her partner? It sounds as though you might be in some limbo situation where it's not clear to the children what the future holds and it might be a relief to them when things are more clear. Sending hugs - it sounds so miserable for you all at the moment.

RachelRavenR0th · 20/04/2021 07:00

@AutumnColours9

I was in the same position and advised not to say he loves them etc but just stay neutral and leave the door open should they want to contact in future. Acknowledge your kids right to be angry and disappointed. Don't make excuses for him or let him blame the marriages. Some people cheat regardless of the state of marriage. It is not your responsibility to sort out his mess. Nor do you have to teach your kids it is OK to treat people badly with no consequences whatsoever.

This. Your exsh has shut down communication. How dare he imply you're the problem. He is annoyed he cannot control the narrative and hide the truth.

harknesswitch · 20/04/2021 07:23

I don't think there is anything wrong with being very open and honest with your dc about what happened and how upset you are, it just needs to be in an age appropriate way, and not putting it on them or leaning on them for support. Be factual and try not to be emotional about it. You can say that you're extremely hurt, that's normal. But always tell them that you'll support them in their relationship with their father. You don't need to slag him off to talk about it. As teenagers it's very much up to them to decide if they want to see him, but you can always be there to support THEIR decision.

It's actually your stbxh that needs to do the donkey work here, he needs to understand that the kids will also feel he's chosen another woman over them too, he needs to apologise to them and try to build bridges. If he's not going to put the effort in, then they won't want to spend time with him, and they will feel angry towards him. He needs to be careful he doesn't alienate them by sticking his head in the sand and refusing to acknowledge what he's done and the hurt he's caused

Original poster

Perinono · 20/04/2021 12:49

Goodness, you have all hit the nail on the head! I hadn't realised I'd given so much away in my posts about our situation but your insight is spot on.
He has moved out already, OW has also left her H and only one of her children living with her (other kids angry with her too). My H sees one of my DC for a handful of hours a week, currently doesn't see the older one at all, their relationship is ruined.
We have been in utter limbo for months and months and months which is why we are pretty much all destroyed😪 He is not the man I married, he has changed so much, it's heartbreaking. And yes for a while I was hoping for a reconciliation but it's gone on too long and gone too far now I feel. I have just started to take some control at last, having been broken and barely able to function for ages.
Thank you for validating my feelings that this is all his fault. Sadly I think I've been kind of gas lighted a lot (not necessarily intentionally) into feeling guilty that I've talked about things to the kids. They have needed to know the facts and they desperately need to know what their future holds. None of us currently have any idea but I am making steps to create some new kind of stability for us..... and am gently telling them it's us 3 now, we won't be a 4 again and we're going to be ok and happy. They can't see it but are starting to accept it.
Thanks for validating my feelings and good strong thoughtful advice💐

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BillieSpain · 20/04/2021 13:11

DD dislikes her father and not because of me. It is because of what she sees and understands. She is 12. I will not patronise her or lie to her.

You're doing great OP

Original poster

Perinono · 21/04/2021 16:03

@BillieSpain

DD dislikes her father and not because of me. It is because of what she sees and understands. She is 12. I will not patronise her or lie to her.

You're doing great OP

Thank you and I agree with you..... it's so tough isn't it💐

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