I need some help/advice

[wakeupnsmellthecoffee]

I need to get away from my H. He's controlled me and my life for far too long. The penny has finally dropped and I've had a frank conversation with someone who's made it clear from their own experience it's never going to change and deep down I know she's right. I have no control of finances, no idea of bank accounts or shared information, i have a little part time job which pays me a small amount and that's it. I have to ask for money to help to pay bills and I'm questioned often. As an example the gym opened Monday - this is my only escape and god knows I need it after the last lockdown! I went Monday at 6am ( made clear to me I had very little time to go) we have 2 children under 10 that need looking after. I was back by 7.30 and was question why I found time to purchase a take out coffee. I have in the past been cheated on (twice I know of) and our marriage is dead. He knows this but is keeping me in this position purely because I have no way of getting out. I'm unable to save a single penny and our home is rented. My parents are sadly no longer alive to help and my only sister is someone I haven't seen in years and doubt she'd help. I have friends but no one I could actually tell and ask for help. I'm feeling very trapped right now but refuse to accept this is my life. I'm hoping I can get some advice from this board on what I could do. Thanks for reading.

Op go to your local council, look up domestic abuse and they will rehouse you and help you sort your finances out. The main thing is you get away from your abuser. Domestic abuse does not just have to be physical, it can be mental and controlling too. If you get in touch they will help you and there should be a Web page on who to contact.

Thank you I'll take a look. We are private renting tenants and my fear is they won't entertain me at all. 😐 I know he will make things very difficult, but I'm determined to get out of this somehow.

Your best way out is to gain some independence and for a start, financial independence. How old is your youngest?

If you could work FT, that would be your way out. Landlords will be more happy to rent to you, you could save some moneybey towards a deposit and you won't need his money to gain freedom.

If you explain the situation to the council they will definitely entertain you. Explain how you feel that you feel trapped and controlled. They have dedicated departments for this kind of thing that can help you get out, I work for a council and we have a dedicated website for domestic abuse and homelessness due to domestic abuse unsure who your local is so have a look on their website.

Here is a page here

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

And please do tell a friend - or even someone at work - you will feel better just for saying it out loud and their response may surprise you.

I'm sure most people would want to help someone in this situation in any small way they could.

I was talked into giving up my FT career after the birth of my first child who's now 9. The same company came back to me just over a year later and asked me to consider working PT from home, which I've been doing ever since. This has to fit around my two children which has been tricky this past year as they've been home since last March. I only do 10 hrs but enjoy having something to do that isn't parenting. One is still out of school the other back - both are diagnosed with autism. My eldest needs a new specialist provision which I'm hoping will be decided upon in the next month or two (I've done all the work sorting this out). I get no free time, I couldn't potentially go to FT working but I'm absolutely sure I'd get no help with the children and their routine really is everything to them - and me.
I'd absolutely love a ft job with work friends and a life 😐 I don't know how I've ended up here but I'm going to change things. On the surface to others who know nothing he's lovely, I know different. Today's photo memories were of us 3 years ago on an Easter break. My children look so young! Two days after those lovely family pictures my H was on a flight to Italy for a week with another woman. Told me a different 'business' story which I believed to be true. Stayed in an amazing apartment I later found out cost 4K for a week complete with jacuzzi bath and steam room. That's without the tour of Italy .. honestly words fail me. There's so much I struggle with sleep. All I know is I need to get away, I'll speak to the council Monday @Shibby585 thanks for that info. In the meantime every penny I can save I intend to.

Sorry, I can see now how long I've rambled on for. 🤦‍♀️

Finally been online and completed the local housing form. I keep trying to tell myself it's all ok but it's not. I feel like I've at least tried to seek help today. I'm doubtful anything will come of it as I'm aware how overrun these services are but at least I've taken a step forward. Scared but we shall see.

Women's Aid are there for women in your position, I can't recommend them highly enough, they made a huge difference to me.

You're already half way there, having made the decision you have to make changes.

Do be careful your OH doesn't see any change in you or get to learn that you want to leave, it's the most dangerous time for an abused partner.

Ramble on all you need! A lot of us have been in similar circumstances and can offer a listening ear if nothing else. I'm sorry you're going through this but am glad you have taken the first step

Well done wake-up . Be proud of yourself. X

@wakeupnsmellthecoffee so sorry that you are going thorough this OP. Well done for taking the first step. Try and write a list of something small/manageable for each day to get you closer to your end goal. This way, actually leaving your OH won't feel so unobtainable. Each day is a step closer to freedom for you and DC x

Thanks for your kind words and support. Like the list idea, I'm might start a little journal to help me keep focused.

Please do not ruling out leaving via a refuge. Also coercive control is a crime now as is financial abuse.

@wakeupnsmellthecoffee @wakeupnshakeup

Hope you are doing alright?

Back to ramble.. last week my car (in his name of course) had a major turbo failure .. whatever that is. It means I'm now having to do the school run in his car as where we live is rural and no buses nearby and the walk would be around 1/1.5 hrs I suspect! Anyway, garage have finally been in touch to let him know the fault and he's waiting on a cost. I suspect not a cheap fix and the dam car has cost a serious amount n the past year anyway 😞 I asked if there was a plan B? The reply was no you need a plan B. He's really turning the screws on me. Deliberately I suspect, I don't have any savings and pretty much all the money i do get goes on kids, fuel and bills. The problem I am faced with is my credit score won't be great - not terrible but not fantastic either! My little job is part time and pays me just 9,000 annually so again on paper not great. My score is due to some bills not paid on time because in the past I'd refused to ask for money to help. Silly I know but I find it all so degrading. If I do ask I'm questioned, I have in the past used my credit card to pay bills rather than ask him. So today I've now got to think about if a car loan is possible .. I'd like to own my own car, let's see if this a step forward.

Please leave via a refuge and be relocated somewhere where you don't need a car!

TBH all the cars are marital assets and it is not theft for you to take the only working one with you. Sure it will be considered as part of the divorce splitting of assets but so what.

The reply was no you need a plan B. He's really turning the screws on me. Deliberately I suspect
Why do you think that is? Do you think he's noticing that you have had enough or do you think he might be having another affair? Be very careful.

Have you thought about contacting Women's Aid? They will be such a support to you and hopefully you'll be able to move things along more quickly with their help

Hello OP, what is going on? Are you ok?

All fine, ticking along.. quietly.

@wakeupnshakeup
Glad to hear that you are ok. I sometimes get worried when people just stop posting. I hope you have not given up, that you are hanging on to your dream about leaving and getting your freedom back. We are here for you.

@loveyourself2020 thanks, I'm most definitely focused and feeling positive about the future. It's a long game, I'll have to be careful and save whilst also keeping quite. Ultimate goal keeps me going.

@wakeupnshakeup, lovely to hear from you. I haven`t been on here for a little while but I like to look in from time to time to see how people are getting on.

So pleased that you haven`t given up and that you are focussed on what you want to achieve in the long run.

Stay positive and stay safe

Good luck OP. I think you've had some great advice on here. It's wonderful when you are free, just focus on that