The day you leave an emotionally abusive relationship

[Proseccodreams]

Just wondering if anyone has experience of the day they actually told their DH they were moving out in an emotionally abusive relationship?
We separated last October but have been living in the family home still. It has now got to the stage where I need to get out and get some space. I want to take my DD with me at least for the first night as otherwise I think that would be damaging to her to see her mother leave without her. I am worried about telling him a) I’m moving out and b) that DD is coming with me. Does anyone have any experience of this they could share?
My counsellor has advised I move out and then tell him for safety reasons but it just feels really wrong!

I moved out and then told him a week later that I wasn't coming back.

I know that he's finding it hard to deal with the way I did it, but after so many years of walking on eggshells and having to modify my behaviuor to keep life calm I did what was best and easiest for me.

Put yourself and your DD first. I think as wives we are conditioned to put everyone elses point of view and needs before ours, in these circumstances make yours and your DD the most important and protect yourself. Please listen yo your counsellor

Have you had legal advice? Might be worth a call to a solicitor to see what they say about moving out and how it will affect things.
I feel for you. I remember telling my narcissistic ex we were finished (in a counselling session) and it was like stepping out into space. Best thing I ever did though.
Just arm yourself with some advice before you go. I think wikivorce have a free helpline where you can speak with a solicitor. Good luck.

Thank you ladies. I’ve now told him I’m moving out he’s trying different tactics to convince me to delay it. I can do this!

hope that you are doing OK Prosecco

I moved out as he wouldn't. I couldn't have stayed while divorcing. The only thing I regret is not making him move out via the police. So much happier out of there. Two years on I have met a really lovely man that I never imagined meeting, would have left years ago if I realised I would be so happy.

I gave my children the choice and they both live full time with me now after a short while of staying with ex a few nights a week. I did suggest to children they stayed with ex the first night as he been away so I thought was the right thing to do but my teenager told me the other day I should have taken them with me as ex was not happy!

Good luck.

I told mine I was leaving. He also tried tactics to the point of physical violence, police got involved and I moved out (with children) while he was in custody. I had thankfully set up my new home in preparation so it was quite a swift move but still, much more distressing than it could've been if I'd have just not gone home one day for example, and told him over the phone.

I think I'm pretty lucky in that my ex just left in the middle of the night the day after I told him I was moving out with the DC.

He's been really difficult to deal with since then, but at least we are no longer in the same space all the time.

I’ve just separated from an emotionally abusive partner. It’s really hard as they can throw everything into trying to make you feel terrible about what you are doing. But stay strong! x

Yes,but it also helped that he was arrested and wasn't allowed back,court orders in place until I have managed to move out and he hasn't slightest idea where we are now.
It was almost 2 years ago and I still remember that day very vividly.The relief was just enormous,the sense of freedom and calmness in the house was unbelievable.I never imagined I would do it but I am so grateful that I did.
The first few weeks were't easy and I still struggle from PTSD and other side effects of abuse but be kind to yourself,it takes a long time to recover.

8 mths since I person won't talk to me he's 20, eldest daughter stopped talking to me 2 months ago13yr old caught with me 60% of the time hate it,the pain been horrendos, but it has given breathing space, I don't regret leaving him after 20 years,he'd used me and spat me o ut. Enjoying my own company, discovering new things.Enjoying friendships I wasn't allowed to have.You can do it,daunting to say the least I'm 49 and loving life

"...it was like stepping out into space. Best thing I ever did though."

Couldn't have put it better. Also, please don't underestimate possibility of escalation in aggressive behaviour and manipulative sob stories if you say you're leaving. If you really can't take your counsellor's advice try checking out something like hollyguard app which can record situations or alert emergency contacts. Good luck x

I was a bit of a coward and waited for him to threaten to move out, then enthusiastically took him up on it (although in court he claimed I begged and pleaded with him to stay!). Then booked me and the kids into a hotel for a week as he moved. Once we were back in the family hone I took legal action to stop him coming back. As others have said, felt like floating on aid knowing that toxic environment was gone for good.

I hope you are in a better place now.

Well I did it ladies I left! Thankfully he went out while I left the house and I feel like a weight is lifted already. Not having to second guess what mood he might be in on an evening and making my own choices is just so freeing. It’s torture on the days I’m not with my daughter but I’m working on that to try have her with me more. Thank you ladies

Well done, so happy for you that you have managed it. I remember feeling a bit lost when I was alone but never went back thank goodness and now the lost feeling has completely gone and it now is relax time (something I could never do as I was so on edge!) good luck 💪

Well done. Onward & upward now.

I’m not sure it’s worth it being without my daughter

It is, things will settle down.

What do you mean, why isn't your daughter with you?

Because he insisted on having shared custody which I should never have agreed to. We do 2 nights each which is to ease her into it. I’m fighting it now but he’s not an easy man to do battle with .

Is he safe with your daughter? If you know he won't harm her then it's difficult for every parent when the child stays away but it will get easier over time; if you are worried about him harming her you should maybe get some advice from an abuse charity so guide you through court proceedings etc?

Yes he wouldn’t harm her. Not physically anyway . I know she worries about upsetting him, I don’t want her to walk on eggshells too

Emotional harm is enough to be worried about imo.
If you have spoken to a therapist or abuse charity then they would support you.
I suppose it depends on the age pelf your daughter and whether she has a phone to call you if she feels uncomfortable there etc; I think, from what you've said that is something I would do as a safety measure for her peace of mind as much as yours.

I’m really sorry I was trying to start a new thread and it accidentally got posted here. I’ll ask Mumsnet to remove my post above.