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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Telling adult children reasons why

23 replies

Ihatesalad · 13/04/2021 16:16

I think I am about to tell H I want to separate- ironically was our silver wedding 2 weeks ago. I had a whopping shock a week ago when I went to take his phone off charge and noticed on his open tabs there was a WhatsApp page that was clearly ‘my’ whatsapp Page from a period about a year back . All my conversations with friends were there. He clearly had used WhatsApp web and linked my WhatsApp to his phone to spy on my conversations. Absolutely no logical reason for this— I’ve never used his phone- no linked Apple ids or anything like that. There is no back story from my angle- no affairs etc—from his side, he had an emotional affair about 15 years ago that I found out about 4 years ago- he also has a whopping secret porn habit.(doesn’t know that I know) - He’s not a horrible guy , I think he is now insecure that I might leave him and that may be why he did it— to bevhonest though I just can’t look at him the same way and not sure I will ever feel the same, it feels really, really off - he doesn’t know I saw this page on his phone - I have been tossing it over in my head. My biggest concern is what to say to our 22 year old son who doesn’t live with us — he has a good relationship with his dad- I know he would think the porn thing was no big deal even though I do and he might just raise an eyebrow at the WhatsApp cloning— but he doesn’t have to live with it. Were other mumsnetters honest with adult children or did they just gave vague ‘not happy anymore ‘ type answers??

OP posts:
Sarahlou63 · 13/04/2021 16:20

Someone will be along with wise words in a moment - the only thing I can suggest is to tell your son via Whatsapp...

Insomnia5 · 13/04/2021 16:21

He’s not a child, there’s no need to lie to protect him. And you don’t really have to justify yourself or convince him of the reasons why you want to leave. Both are valid reasons. You can still say you’re unhappy because it’s true, you don’t need to sugarcoat the situation though.

Insomnia5 · 13/04/2021 16:23

@Sarahlou63

Someone will be along with wise words in a moment - the only thing I can suggest is to tell your son via Whatsapp...
Plz do this! 🤣🤣 actually I’m a vindictive cow. I’d actually take a video/screenshots of things so you can prove to people in the future that you found out about the cloning today. And then start a fake affair via WhatsApp to wind him up. Would be the ideal karma for what he’s did to you!
Franksalot · 13/04/2021 16:24

I think it’s always best to say the truth otherwise your DS would never really understand why you want to split up, and would then start to imagine all sorts of reasons. And you also want him to have healthy relationships in the future, so he needs to understand what is and isn’t unacceptable behaviour in a relationship.

As long as you are open with him and say that you support him with his love for and his relationship with his dad , then I think that’s the best thing to do. If you criticise his dad and bad mouth him, then things could be more difficult for him.

rjacksmiss · 13/04/2021 16:30

So how are you going to fuck with him over WhatsApp?

HomicidalPsychoJungleCat · 13/04/2021 18:59

What??? How does he do this without access to your phone? Im divorcing a tech savvy ex and am horrified someone can do this!!

Original poster
Ihatesalad · 13/04/2021 20:23

He would have needed access to
My phone for about 2 minutes— so must have been when I was charging it one day— it’s very easy I’ve found out , you use the web.whatsaap setting on the phone and link it to another device using a QR code— unless the person whose phone has been hijacked then goes into the webwhatsapp setting (which I didn’t) you wouldn’t know another device was linked to your WhatsApp. It’s only WhatsApp they can see— and in this case I
Must have reloaded it at one point and cut the link- because the page I saw on his phone just showed my conversations Oct 2019 to feb2020

OP posts:
TheWaif · 13/04/2021 20:30

I presume people are only joking, but please don't mess with him over WhatsApp.

Nancylovesthecock · 13/04/2021 20:39

Coming from the perspective of an adult child. Who's parents got divorced when I was 24, please don't share the specifics. We are adults yes, but we REALLY don't want to know the gory details. Honest.

Something simple like, I do not love your father anymore, there is no one else and nobody has cheated on anyone will suffice.

My mother tried to share the gory details of her reasons for divorce from my dad and it damaged my relationship with her for a decade. Don't do it.

Nancylovesthecock · 13/04/2021 20:42

The bottom line is you don't need an earth shattering reason to leave your marriage if you want to. You don't owe your son an explanation. But if you want to give one, keep it simple and don't damage his relationship with his father. There is no reason for you to do this, so don't.

ConnieCaterpillar70 · 13/04/2021 20:45

Don't overshare. My Mum told me everything my Dad ever did and it broke me. I didn't need to know, it was their relationship.

Say the basics and how you are too hurt to get past it.

Standrewsschool · 13/04/2021 20:47

Honesty is the best policy. If you don’t tell him the truth, you’re protecting your dh, and covering up for his actions. Your dh is the one who has overstepped the marked, so don’t make yourself to be the fall guy.

LemonTT · 13/04/2021 22:48

You don’t need to get your son involved in this and he won’t want to know. If you want to end the marriage you don’t need to explain the ins and outs to anyone. No sane or reasonable person wants to know or be involved on what will become a war of words. Why would you put your child in the middle of that.

Lumene · 13/04/2021 22:52

What would you want to hear from your parents?

Aquamarine1029 · 13/04/2021 22:52

You should not get into the nitty gritty details of your marriage with your children, no matter how old they are. Your husband is still his dad, and slagging him off to your son will accomplish nothing but may cause a lot of damage. Even if your son asks for specifics, you shouldn't share them. Your marital issues are none of your son's business, quite frankly.

GreyhoundG1rl · 13/04/2021 22:55

I honestly can't understand why you feel the need to share this. Your son is an adult, he doesn't need to hear the inside scoop on your marriage.

Franksalot · 14/04/2021 02:10

But what about all those times when people do have to tell their children some details, like if your DH has had an affair/moving in with girlfriend etc. I think if done in the right way, not showing animosity, and encouraging the DC to have a good relationship with the parent, that they are no more likely to be harmed than those who are told no details and have to just put up with it while not understanding why.

Sarcobaleno · 14/04/2021 08:52

Please don't tell your kids the inside scoop on your marriage. You are parents first. It is entirely unnecessary and did nothing to help me when my parents broke up. You no longer wish to be married but will continue to support each other as parents. End of. Good luck.

SwimBaby · 14/04/2021 16:08

How do you know about the whopping secret porn habit, do you spy on him as well?

thelonggame · 14/04/2021 20:34

I've recently left my husband of 30 years, porn and alcohol were a major factor.
I've just told our young adult children (21 and 23) that we couldn't live together anymore, and that there's no-one else involved.
They don't need to know graphic details and he's still their Dad. Just because he's a crap husband I'm not going to trash him to them

GentlemanJay · 15/04/2021 23:24

@ConnieCaterpillar70

Don't overshare. My Mum told me everything my Dad ever did and it broke me. I didn't need to know, it was their relationship.

Say the basics and how you are too hurt to get past it.

This.
Original poster
Ihatesalad · 26/04/2021 20:44

Thanks ladies for all your comments. I think I asked because knowing our son I know he will ask me ‘why’ — @swimbaby. I don’t count it as spying but as a techie I know what goes through our router on a daily basis and after being crapped on once I decided forewarned is forarmed

OP posts:
Maggiesfarm · 26/04/2021 21:21

Just tell your son you and his dad have grown apart, it often happens after 20 years, you now want different things from life and are going to live separately.

He certainly doesn't need to know his dad watches porn, for goodness sake. That will hardly do him any good.

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