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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Separation

18 replies

SusanRose · 12/04/2021 10:10

This is my first time posting on mumsnet though I guess it's for younger people but I would appreciate some advice as I don't want to discuss this with my family yet. I have been with my partner for 16 years, we are an older couple with no young children. We met when I was in a particularly vulnerable situation and it was really not the best time to get into a relationship but that said he did support me for a while and we were okish for a few years. the last couple of years though we have drifted apart yet have remained co-dependant to a degree but the relationship is non existant otherwise.We never really had much in common and that is now more apparent than ever.We are about to sell the house and downsize but I have become aware that I don't want to move with him. The worst part is that he has health problems so that makes me feel guilty, I feel trapped and would welcome some advice. Thank you.

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 12/04/2021 10:17

You need to talk to him. It sounds like the relationship has run its course - life is too short to stay if you are not happy. You don’t say how old you are. I am probably a similar age - just out of a long marriage. I have years left, as do you - make them count. If that means ending this relationship then do it. (Do you really want to end up being his carer out of guilt? Really? Do you? …) Be kind, be fair, broach the subject - he may feel similar to you. Good luck op.

Original poster
SusanRose · 12/04/2021 10:28

Thank you for your kind reply, I am thinking of talking to him this morning though he isn't the easiest to talk to, he can sulk and once ignored me for 3 weeks, I am worried he might just do the same thing but we really need to have this discussion.

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Purplecatshopaholic · 14/04/2021 14:01

Hi op, I hope you have had a chance to try and talk to your partner and that it went well. If it didn't and you are getting the silent treatment I sympathise - been there and it sucks! Stick at it though - he can't avoid the issues for ever - sooner or later you are going to have to address things, and the potential house move is a good catalyst for discussion about the future.

Original poster
SusanRose · 14/04/2021 18:53

Hi, no am not getting anywhere at the moment, I asked yesterday if we could talk and he said "sell the house give me my money and I'll F.off
Not spoken since and been in the bedroom all day, it's totally ridiculous and very uncomfortable, I don't even like making a meal because I know he won't respond and I feel bad cooking a meal for myself

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 15/04/2021 09:05

Ignoring you for 3 weeks is abuse. And childish.

Get the house on the market, sort out finances, enjoy not being with ToddlerMan.

Make yourself some food, if you "feel bad" make enough for two but leave it in the pan. You can always have it the following day and not have to cook.

Life is too short to deal with his behaviour.

Go for a walk, get some great novels, retreat to a bath, pamper yourself and get the house sold.

Original poster
SusanRose · 15/04/2021 09:49

Thank you for your advice, I have an agent coming on the 3rd of May for an evaluation and keeping myself busy finishes off some odd jobs around the house.

OP posts:
Original poster
SusanRose · 15/04/2021 09:51

We have joint bank accounts and I enquired yesterday and we both have to into the branch to sort this out, not easy when he won't speak !

OP posts:
gonnabeok · 15/04/2021 10:04

Hi OP, I'm on a similar path. At least my Ex partner moved out, but won't negotiate about the house, times to see our dd. It's a nightmare trying to sort something out with a manchild who wont communicate.

Can you open your own account somewhere. If you have online access you can transfer whatever is yours going into the joint account into your own sole account. You can open an account with Starling bank online. It is really easy and just takes a day or two. The app is really easy to use if you're not very techy and a bit older like me.

I would also write down exactly what you say to him, time and date it about sorting things out to show a solicitor you have tried to be reasonable. Speak to a solicitor asap about what you are entitled to etc as what you are entitled to house wise can be different if you are not married compared to if you are married. Many solicitors will give you a half hour/hours free consultation.

Good luck!

Original poster
SusanRose · 15/04/2021 10:17

Great advice thank you, I did look a little bit online about opening a sole account which was available to me but as far as I understood from what I read I can't transfer money from a joint account into a sole account though I suppose I could draw some out and pay it into a new account, seems a bit sneaky but it's a terrible situation when he won't talk to me

OP posts:
MissSmiley · 15/04/2021 10:28

You can definitely transfer money from your joint account into a sole account, I do it all the time, and with regards to the joint account either of you can close it, I transferred any DD to my new account and left his on the joint, I won't close it yet as those will default but now all of my own stuff is transferred it's in his interest to deal with it.
Just sell the house and leave, have a spoken to your solicitor?

Original poster
SusanRose · 15/04/2021 10:48

Thank you , no I haven't spoken to a solicitor yet as this is all very new and my house valuation isn't until the 3rd of May, can't wait now for this to be sorted I just don't know how a grown man ( older man at that ) can act so childishly

OP posts:
GentlemanJay · 16/04/2021 07:31

@frozendaisy

Ignoring you for 3 weeks is abuse. And childish.

Get the house on the market, sort out finances, enjoy not being with ToddlerMan.

Make yourself some food, if you "feel bad" make enough for two but leave it in the pan. You can always have it the following day and not have to cook.

Life is too short to deal with his behaviour.

Go for a walk, get some great novels, retreat to a bath, pamper yourself and get the house sold.

This.

Please don't wait. I've been there. You have all the signs you are unhappy. You are not responsible for anyone's happiness. You are not a crutch.

Start to do your own thing. If he doesn't want your food freeze it and it will save you cooking another day for yourself.

Ignoring someone for three weeks is a great reason why there is something wrong with your relationship.

GentlemanJay · 16/04/2021 07:33

You can shut a joint account down without his permission. I've done it myself.

Orgasmagorical · 16/04/2021 07:43

I don't even like making a meal because I know he won't respond and I feel bad cooking a meal for myself

In the nicest possible way why on earth do you feel bad for looking after yourself when he is treating you so badly? You need to respect yourself more and him less and be kind to yourself. It's not 'sneaky' to protect your own interests! Even though the relationship has run its course, it's a big thing you're going through so you need to treat yourself as well as you possibly can Flowers

I recommend you see a solicitor about the separation as soon as possible. From what you have said your partner doesn't sound like he'll be amenable to making it as stress free as possible so you need to have someone who knows what they're doing on your side. Women's Aid is a good place to ask for recommendations for family solicitors.

Original poster
SusanRose · 16/04/2021 07:59

Thank you all for your very kind replies and advice, I am doing all I can at the moment to get the house ready to sell which is keeping me occupied. I am taking all advice on board and yesterday managed to open a sole bank account with a different bank so I guess it's a start in the right direction. I will have a go at transferring some money into it when I receive an activation code. It has been really good to be able to get all your advice at what is a very lonely time.

OP posts:
Orgasmagorical · 16/04/2021 08:16

Please don't be lonely, SusanRose, there's always someone here who has been there and who understands Flowers

That's great that you've got the bank account sorted already. You may know already but it's best not to tell him of what you're doing, you're better staying one step ahead of him (even if it means you'll do all the work, at least you'll have some autonomy).

Original poster
SusanRose · 16/04/2021 09:18

Thank you for your kind words, no I'm not telling him anything because he's not speaking anyway so it is making me more determined to try and get on with my life, if and when he does decide to speak I need to be prepared for the discussion( whatever that will be )

OP posts:
Orgasmagorical · 16/04/2021 17:42

You sound very positive, that's good to hear Smile

Hopefully you will have your ducks in a row, as they say, before he comes out of his silly grump and you can reward his behaviour with a fait accompli. That'll be a nice surprise for him Easter Grin

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