What’s fair vs What’s legal....

[ItsAllKindaWeird]

Hi
DH and I have been separated for just 6 weeks, but it was brewing long before then. I have 2 DD’s (16 & 18), married 20 years.

There were lots of issues in the marriage, many I see repeated in other posts. He hasn’t worked for 3 years, smoked weed and played video games (a lot). I’ve had a steady and well paid job, well, always. We used money from a relative when he was out of work but that soon ran out as he liked to spend without too much thought for how long it would last, and when it ran out (over a year ago) credit cards were used instead of finding work.
The constant stress on top of everything just got too much so I asked him to leave, albeit under the label of a “trial”.

DH is now living with DMIL, secured a job within 4 weeks (🙄).

I, having now had time, headspace and not living in a cloud of 2nd hand weed smoke, have realised I do not want a reconciliation and both I and DD’s are better off mentally.
I didn’t realise until it was done how much it had affected them too, it was toxic.
I was enabling, justifying, excusing his bad behaviour, controlling ways and downright laziness. I have a lot to do to make it right with them for allowing it to go on this long.

So now my head starts to spin a bit when thinking next steps, and I’m not sure if I should go for a legal separation or straight to divorce. Many questions arise around assets and splitting and what I should expect if I go down the legal route. Any advice would be much appreciated. I probably should speak to a solicitor but it would be great to know in advance what to ask or expect.

I’m dreading having to sell the house as I can’t afford anything similar in our area but could sell once youngest turns 18 in 2 years (downsize/diff area).
In the meantime I can afford to run the house and pay the mortgage (just). I was hoping that someone can tell me that Its reasonable to expect him to pay his half of the mortgage/house upkeep if he wants to retain 50/50 when it sells in 2 years. Or can he force me to sell it. Will a judge force a sale?
I expect he will flip into arsehole mode if I serve any legal papers.

I’d be grateful for your thoughts and experiences here.

Many thanks

He won’t be forced to pay the mortgage to retain a stake particularly if he ends up renting elsewhere, although yes ideally he would.
Divorce takes a long time so it’s highly unlikely you’ll be selling anytime in next few years realistically anyway
You need to see a solicitor
50:50 is not automatic but you’ll need to consider all assets and debts to work out a fair split between you
He could move back in while you divorce ( he’s probably likely to if he’s paying half mortgage ?)

It isn’t reasonable for him to pay towards the mortgage if he’s not living there. Would you offer to pay half his rent?
Think about it, you could have, for example, £100k equity in the house at the moment, which would give you each £50k if you sold now. He could then put this money towards another house and it would increase in value over the next 2 years. So by not selling, you’ve got the benefit of his ‘money’ allowing you to stay there whilst he has to pay money out in rent. Say your mortgage is £300 a month, his rent for a similar property could be double that. So it could cost him £15k over 2 years to rent.

@Soontobe60

My exh gives me rent (spousal maintenance) because he lives in the house we own. Suits us but if I needed to buy I would have forced a sale

Thanks.
I just need to somehow get to that 2 year point so both DD’s are out of school.
He is likely to stay at DMIL’s (cozy there).
@millymollymoomoo will it really take that long?

Well I think divorce can be quicker but even the most amicable I personally know of have taken a year. If there’s not agreement and dispute it can take much longer

If you are both cooperating a divorce can be relatively quick. Less than a year if you both wanted. But if one person is being awkward and not forthcoming then it could easily string it out for more than a year.

However that is likely to create acrimony between you. And that will impact on your children who will be caught in the middle.

Just be straight with him and ask if you can put off a sale until the youngest is 18. Be clear he can a maintain his interest and that you won’t try to stay on after this period.

And no he doesn’t need to pay the mortgage to maintain his interest if you have told him to go.

Can you buy him out? What other assets are there?

Hi @lemonTT. I am hoping that it can be by agreement rather than via solicitors for exactly the reasons you state, but he can be unpredictable and not necessarily reasonable.
Perhaps there's a trade off then? He agrees to postpone sale, but then benefits in 2 years time as i would have paid off more of the mortgage by then on my own and he will effectively have gained in equity and potentially value of house too.
I'll be honest, that irks me a bit but i could live with it.

@stephenBelafinte - no chance of either of us buying the other out now. I might be able to in 2 years though. No other assets apart from a car each.

What about pensions OP?

Ok your place I’d wait it out a bit. As you say he is at MIL and likes it there.
Just let it drag on a bit and it’ll buy you a bit of time.
Also - since he just got a job it’ll allow him to build up a bit of financial security. And you may be able to save too.
And if you don’t file now - do get him to contribute towards the kids costs now - they are his kids too. And it’s be hard for him not to contribute given that he got a job.
So - whether it’s directly towards mortgage,
or just a general contribution to your budget it’s all money.

And meanwhile you save and plan.

@Jsku Thank you, thats almost exactly my plan for now.
If an agreement like that was in place when we get to the point of official stuff, how would that stand up legally? Would i just need to rely on goodwill to maintain that status quo?

@discolightsonafridaynight - I have a small pension (only ever paid minimum), he has none. Why would that matter?

Because he would have a potential claim on your pension.

If things arent set down properly, and legally binding, he could potentially stake a claim in future earnings, future property and pension... or any other assets that come your way.

I would never rely on goodwill on the part of the other because it’s just that.

I would recommend you see a solicitor to get some advice- some offer 30 mins free and at least that will set out your options (and what you need to do to protect yourself) clearly

When you go to the solicitor, have all your details of income and expenditure now- and what they are likely to be post divorce set out. If you have any idea of his- that is also useful.

It would be good to be clear about what his expectations are.

A judge will put the interests of the children above all so potentially a Mesher Order until they are 18 but this wouldn’t be needed unless he was keen to sell.

The divorce won’t necessarily take that long itself. Mine was difficult and contentious (and the majority of it through lockdowns) but was still completed in just over 12 months. I couldn’t have done it with out a solicitor though I’ll be honest. It was costly but well worth it in the long run 💐