I moved out of family home 2 years ago with DD (now 5) as H is alcoholic and diagnosed with personality disorder.
In hope that he would sober up and get himself into treatment, me and DD return to family home every weekend. I sleep on the floor in her room. I have practicality been his informal carer for past 6 years.
Everything wrong is always my fault, when we lived there, and now that we don’t, everything is because of me. He doesn’t contribute any finance to DD and I wouldn’t dream of asking him as he has a speech he rolls out along the lines of he didn’t want to be a dad anyway, this situation is my doing (I couldn’t have faced an abortion and offered instead to go quietly with no links needed or expected; this was turned down). He resents me so so much; he says he hates that he has a life where he is a dad, but other days says he loves it and thinks it’s wrong to live separately.
I have worked so hard on maintaining a feeling of family even when he’s been at his worst, just in the hope that he’ll wake up and want a ‘normal’ life again. I feel like I’ve been played this whole time as a target for everything he’s ever done or felt that he doesn’t like.
He’s now 6 weeks into an alcohol reduction programme and has suddenly decided its cruel to my DD for her not to live there, with both of us. Says I’m putting my needs first, not hers; thinks it’s mean of me to take her for ‘big’ walks from where she and I live but not go for walks with him at weekends (he hates walking with us as he can’t walk at child pace); it’s almost as though he resents us having a fine time. I’ve pointed out to him that there’s plenty of mundane goings on, too, and that it’s very hard to do anything ‘new’ with DD (like a walk somewhere new) (she’s autistic) so I grab the chance if she’s buoyant that day to do something we don’t usually do.
Most times my DD and I have a day to day life which consists of school runs, homework, work, sleep, eat for 90% of our weekdays. Weekends are down time and that seems to annoy him. When I suggest going out I get a huffy response and if he does come out with us he walks way ahead, being cross at the dog.
Nothing I do is good enough or acceptable. He conveniently forgets that we’re not living there because he’s a drunken arse who sleeps in till 10-11 and wants his first drink between 4-5. Everything in the middle is hangover or anticipation irritation.
Argh I’m torn between committing my poor DD to a split family forever or trudging on trying to appease and make the best of what I can to keep him happy, putting on a show and telling my DD that we don’t live together at the moment as that’s what’s best for our family right now (she has no comprehension about the bigger picture at all and I’ve made sure she’s always tucked up in bed at 7 to avoid any witnessing of drunk dad).
I’m dreading the possibility that if we were to formally separate/divorce that he would be awarded custody at weekends as his drinking is not controlled and he quickly tires of meeting her day to day foibles and needs. Week days wouldn’t be an option as he can’t drive her to school (lost his licence) (no public transport).
I’m at a loss and I’m getting cross, anxious and sad about it.
Sane advice anyone?