Recently separated and wider family's expectations of time with DCs

[Moveoverrover]

DH and I separated 8 weeks ago and we seem to be managing the childcare split just fine, but since the lockdown restrictions have started lifting, I've had issues with my own family and their expectations around visiting. My Dad used to visit us for an hour on Sundays prior to lockdown and our separation, but Sundays are now DHs day with DCs. My Dad is now frustrated about not seeing the DCs on this day although tries to hide it very badly. I know I shouldn't feel guilty about it, but it's difficult.

My Grandmother has been calling me daily since the easing of restrictions to ask when I'm visiting with the DCs (in her garden of course) and I feel awful that I have to just keep saying "soon" because the truth is, I'm struggling a bit on my own and the thought of having to chase DC2 (2 years old) around her non-secure garden for an hour fills me with dread.

I obviously want to see her, but it all feels a bit too much. My mother lives in Scotland (I'm mid-England) and she is bubbling up with me from next week when she can travel. She intends on staying with me for 1 week and I can't wait. But already, I'm panicking that she won't get as much time with DCs as they'll be with their Dad 50% of the time.

I feel like I'm failing everyone at the moment, particularly when I'm solo parenting DCs. I can't face days out with them on my own due to DC2s temper tantrums, so I feel like DCs are suffering, having a rubbish Easter holiday with me and now other family members who are desperate to see them are also suffering. DC1 is of school age, I am a teacher so we are all off together at the moment.

My Dad isn't helpful at all and will drop by, talk my ear off about his job, play with DCs for all of 5 minutes and then tell DCs to "sshhh" a few times, before disappearing again. I've suggested us visiting him, but he's always out of the house running errands and wants to visit me, which means waiting around for him, only to be drained by him, only for him to leave 1 hour later.

How do other people manage this? Getting used to the childcare split is hard enough, without all this added expectation. My grandmother says that she keeps crying that I'm not visiting with the children. I feel awful about it.

There is a lot of different stuff here to deal with

• your dad, doesn't seem to want to interact with them anyway so I'd forget about feeling guilty for that
• do the hour with your grandmother - yes it will be hard but think of the relief at easing her anxiety
• can you and your ex do a day out with the kids together or is it not amicable enough?
• it is hard dealing with the family expectations but ultimately they need to just deal with it - you cannot take on guilt for them not liking the new set up - maybe ask the father if he wouldn't mind being a bit flexible sometimes when family events are on - we do this and it's fine as it's best for the kids

Please try to be more kind to yourself - it's very tough

Your family's feelings are way too high on your list! Especially your mum, who clearly is divorced from your dad, so should understand, and your dad, who sounds like a bit of a tit.

Can you visit your nan with your dad or mum? That sounds much easier.

Your kids are about to have a visit from your mum so that's a lovely holiday right there . Anyway, you're their mum, not their court jester. You don't have to be a 24/7 circus act for them!

You're at a really tough time, and your children are fed, clothed, housed, and reasonably clean. You're winning! Cut yourself some slack!

Thank you for your support.
Visiting my Grandmother with my Mum would be a much better option, it just means making my grandmother wait for another week. I've started ignoring her calls because she just makes me feel so guilty about it.

Yes, we are on good terms so exDH and I could actually do a couple of family days out together whilst DC2 is so young and needy. We get on well as co-parents.

My Dad is really selfish, but he's lonely and miserable so try not to get into a fall-out with him if I can help it.

You sound so considerate of everyone's feelings, do you think you could extend that to your own?

You really deserve some kindness.

Sorry but your mum can’t travel until the 26th of April.

You seem to want to facilitate a lot of people, while struggling to find your own feet. You need to tell them all, you are trying your best in new circumstances.

Find someone to take to your GM to ease the pressure. Don't know how old she is, but perhaps she could do some things to ease the visit.

Regarding your dad, find a day that suits and when he is visiting let him know he can help around. Entertaining dc, diy etc. not just for him to sit moaning (it's draining).

But do tell them ALL you are trying your best, in my view they too should be prepared to help not just make demands.

You can do this, no more over the top people pleasing. In with the boundaries .

It's the 12th April @felicitypike

It’s really not.
“The First Minister has now announced that a temporary ‘Stay local’ rule will be instructed from 2 April, hopefully followed by the alleviation of all travel restrictions within Scotland on 26 April.”

Gosh op support to you you’re dealing with a lot and recently separated at the heart of it.
If it were me I’d prioritise my grandmother. I’d also do my damndest to understand that her crying etc may just be a feature of her age - if you can laugh about it and pick up the phone to her calls. It will mean the world to get to see your dcs i know you know this. No question she should be prioritised (after you of course)

Your dad needs to maybe be told that you need support from him right now
And he needs to shape up a bit ! All softly and with love of course !

Good luck.

Give yourself a break. Your parents are obviously separated themselves so it can't be much of a stretch for them to put themselves in your shoes. I would probably tell my Grandma a white lie and say one of the kids has a cough or something if I really couldn't bear to visit but a short visit might not be so bad. 8 weeks post separation is still really early days to be managing it like a pro - I'm 4 years down the line and I still expect my family to cut me some slack!