Would he get 50:50 re. kids?

[Earlgrey19]

I’m wanting to go for 60/40 residency split with children. We will need to go to mediation.

DH spat knives at me when I suggested this, this evening, and told me I am royally f**ing him up the arse.

If he challenges me in court would he likely get 50:50? I feel I’m the kids primary carer. I spent 5 years at home with kids, then changed careers to have a more flexible job that allows me to spend more time at home. But maybe this doesn’t matter? DC age 6 and 3.

Complex situation we’ve had, sadly: DH moved out for 6 months recently while having cancer treatment (he wasn’t advised to by doctors it was his choice re covid shielding) and I single parented for that time. He was not keen on seeing DC at all during that time, I had to push for outdoor garden visits when he was feeling well.

What has he asked for?

Why don't you suggest that you build up the time. If they haven't spent bareky anytime with him unlikely to want to go 50/50. Age will beca factor.

What contact are they having currently

Right now we’re still cohabiting separately. We’re doing about 60:40, me doing larger share. He said to me recently it’s too much for him and he needs to do less with them to focus on his health more. He needs lie downs etc. With the surgery he’s had he often feels unwell after eating. But I guess it feels a massively emotive issue and he’s scared, among other things, that his illness means he has less time with them, and with his prognosis also not being good. Really hard.

With a poor prognosis I woukd try and be as flexible as I could. Mainly so children have memories and also so it may reduce when he isn't well

This will be really tough time for all of you.

It's really tough and I feel for you both. I think you should focus on being pragmatic and kind, and supporting him being "in charge" as much as he can manage. But also keep a record to show he can't manage 50/50 at the moment, but that you're supporting him to have the best relationship with the DC that he can.

Hopefully he will see that quality time is better than 50/50 but making himself I'll, and having less fun when he's with the children.

But also consider that he could maybe do 50/50 with help.

In my case I'm disabled but also have the DC 80% of the time. I have an au pair to help me so that it's not overwhelming. The kids do EOW and some of the school holidays with their father.

Why does he think you're fucking him up the arse? Is it because he wants to spend more time with the children or does it come down to financial split of house (most divorce arguments come down to finances).

Teebee it’s because I had assumed 60:40 residency split after he said that even 40% was too much for him the other week. I’ve been trying to hold the family together given circs. He wants me to just move out of the family home now but I’m saying I don’t want to. So it’s these things. I don’t think it’s fair. We need to decide a plan for where we each live. I’ve been trying to come up with a range of options, but not including me moving out now of our jointly owned house. I don’t earn enough for rent in our city for one thing and he is a high earner. I think mediation and kind attitude good, yes. He’s very volatile at the moment — understandable given circs but difficult.

Okay so his grievance is that you're hoping to take 60% of the equity and he'll be forced out of the house? Is that right?
How bad is his prognosis? I think that has a big part to play.

Is he still ill? Is he still able to earn?

He’s about to go back to work, yes. He often has to lie down after eating meals and some snacks (nature of the cancer he had) and gets tired, so work has been generous and given him full pay throughout. He earns 70k. I earn less than a third of that.

Sorry I’m overtired and my post above doesn’t make much sense. I meant he’s still fragile but restarting work soon.