Decided to divorce...what next?

[pinkeiderdown]

After years of deliberation/being extremely lonely/feeling like I've lost my true self, I have finally decided that I want to divorce my DH. Even though it's what I want I am scared shitless. I haven't said anything to him yet although I don't think he will be surprised as all communication has broken down. I have arranged counselling for myself starting soon to help me emotionally through the process. I've started getting together some financial information, reading about the divorce process, and have made an initial enquiry with a family lawyer. I feel horrible like I'm sneaking around. I also feel incredibly vulnerable financially as I earn roughly a fifth of what he does.

Can anyone offer any advice about at what point it might be best to talk to him about this? Kids are involved and it is the Easter hols. Is it best to wait until after I have seen a solicitor? Or will me having done this make the conversation more confrontational?

Is it unreasonable to ask him to move out of the FMH at this point? I desperately need some breathing space but I think he will be reluctant. In the current situation, we are both in the house 24/7.

Can anyone suggest key next steps? It's so awful when he's asking about what we might do for a family holiday and all I can think about is the impending divorce.

I would speak before solicitor
Is he likely to ignore what you are saying?
I say this because it took me about four talking to him for the message to actually get through and another 6 months before the penny dropped
So I would say as soon as possible
It all depends on his reaction for moving out
Mine took a year which was tough but actually made me feel better on the whole as he got used to it / we took a long time working out the kids stuff and how it would work
Good luck

Thank you @redrosevblue - I don't think he will ignore what I'm saying as we have been having issues for years and went for counselling that didn't help. But whereas I have got used to the idea in my head, he will not have. I just don't think he would be happy moving out. Even after a huge argument, he has refused to sleep anywhere but in the marital bed.

It's really difficult to broach this with him whilst the kids are around, so it looks like I will have to wait until they are back at school, I'm just finding the wait difficult

Also, is it best to wait until I have all H's financial info before having a first appointment with a solicitor? Or should I go to an appointment just having a rough idea? My income is low so I will struggle to pay for a solicitor, is it usual to be able to pay them once a settlement has been agreed? Thanks!

I tend to think that whiçhever partner wants to end the relationship is the one who should move out. It's not fair to expect the other person not only to lose their partner but also their home! I know you've got dc, but still... What has he actually done to make you feel like this? Is he abusive, lazy, neglectful? Maybe you ought to see if anything can be done to repair the relationship?

And if he insists on sleeping in the marital bed, you should sleep somewhere else instead.

It doesn't really make practical sense for me to move out of the FMH given I work p/t and mostly look after the DC and my H works crazy long hours. I would have to move with the DC and rent a 3 bed place while my H stays in our 3 bed FMH alone.

Yes I am the one who wants to end the relationship but that is because my H would never ever make any change, despite how unhappy he was - it is the same with other areas in his life such as his job. We have already tried counselling, that followed years of him being constantly angry and shouting at me and the DC regularly. Before that I went to counselling on my own as he refused. He has emotionally neglected me for years. But hey, it's me actioning the split so I should just go?

FWIW just because you have decided to put the big girl pants on and deal with your failing relationship does not mean you should move out!

I would wait til post school holidays & then sit down and talk about how you feel and ask him to do the same. I would say you want to determine if divorce is the best option for you both going forward...see where you go

Do you have a spare bedroom? If so you should move into it then you can have a bit of space to talk through the next stage (we stayed in the same house for 7 months). If you don't have a spare room could you reconfigure the house to make space? If not then you probably need to consider moving out yourself as you can't force him too

Thank you @Torres10 for your advice.

@moochingtothepub - we can probably figure out some way of having separate sleeping spaces, although I'd sooner have more space than that. It's just the thought of having months (more) of tension in the house, particularly around the DC, that I can't bear.

A basic mistake would be to broach the subject of divorce and living arrangements at the same time. The first thing you want to do is get a mutual acceptance that the marriage is over and you need to split. Let that sink in before talking about what that means for you both financially and about living arrangements.

A lot of people simply cannot afford to run 2 homes. That’s why they live together until the house is sold. The other reason is that for most people leaving the marital home is not advised. It’s the biggest asset and the other party can play silly buggers over the eventual sale and so on.

My advice would be not to build sandcastles in the sky on what he should or shouldn’t do. Start a conversation about the basic economics of the split.

It might be easily affordable for him to move out and get a property. Please don’t assume he will go to his parents (I wouldn’t) or be happy in a bed sit to flat for one. He is a father and he needs a property to suit that need. Just like you do as mother.

If he is renting (which is more expensive than mortgages) he might not be able to continue to support you will the house. He will have to pay CMS but that could be all you get from him because it’s all he can afford. Some dads will go beyond this but many won’t.

In your shoes I would not be that bothered about a solicitor at this stage. You need to know what your income is going to be if you do split into two homes. Far better to assess your likely CMS and state benefits. That way when you talk about finances together you can be clear about the options open to you.

Generally speaking for us ordinary folks divorce settlements are what they are. You can tinker and adjust but protracted battles aren’t going to make change the fundamental. Which is that you are both going to take a financial hit. And neither of you holds all the cards. There is absolutely not point in being aggressive as it will illicit an aggressive response. The only people who benefit are lawyers. And your children are going to suffer if you both descent on acrimony.