Gingembre's divorce thread

[Gingembre]

hello fellow divorce people.
I feel like I'm breaking apart from this divorce process..and we've only had one proper meeting with the lawyer. I thought I'd start a thread, because quite honestly, I'm not sure I can cope. I'm already broken from the relationship circumstances and I'm pretty alone.

I will fill in details later - a drip feed of epic proportions, to be sure! Here's some and for anybody who feels like some

But the meeting today had the lawyer (we're in legal mediation) ask OH how he's feeling about it all. He answered her. He's upset, but it's not too bad for him basically. Her response? "I see it hurts you. He is suffering. I can see it."

Later when he said the impact on him wasn't SO huge (in comparison to me, who has physical health problems as a result of the stress that's all on me in this situation), she said, "I can see it has an impact on you. I can see it." She was looking at his face on Teams and absolutely honestly, it was his 'a bit upset, but ok' face.

He has low empathy - independently verified, not just my opinion! There are other issues too regarding how he interprets the world and his life (and me). I've seen men suffer in divorce. This is not his situation, in part because he's getting all his needs met. He doesn't need the divorce, he wants to wait 2 years. I need it because I'm physically breaking from the strain (literally unable to walk some days). So when he's telling her he's not suffering that much, that it's not unbearable for him, he's telling her the truth! She's filling in extra and ascribing empathy and other emotions to him that he simply doesn't have (or if he does, he extremely rarely engages with them). And then sees him as this poor man who isn't able to express how badly he's feeling.

The reason behind me being unable to cope with being married to him is exactly this issue with his empathy and everything that radiates from it. It's extremely rare too that other people see what's going on - he's got a great mask. I think what happens is that he's tired from outside interactions and when he gets home, he can't engage in a single emotion with me. He's not a horrible man. It's hard to explain. But to have this played out in mediation is extremely hard - to the point that I'm not sure if I can cope.

The mediation should cost about 6,000 euros. If we engage separate lawyers we're looking at close to 30,000. I am going to really need that money later, so I'm scared to take that option now. I'm hoping I can just get through this process. If it starts to really impact my health though, I will have to take it.

Thanks for reading this far. I'm going to keep updating when I have time. I'm really so alone in this. I have a therapist, but one hour a week honestly isn't enough. Feel free to say hi and share any words of wisdom you have!

btw - if you recognise me from real life, send me an email to let me know. I could do with the support.

OH works half the week in a different city. There's a 1.5hr drive there. He stays overnight between two of those days, works a day here and then travels a single day. In the past he's worked out of a single office, but he's still had to travel, often with a week's notice. That's what will happen if he's fully based here, which is a future possibility. This means his schedule will be all over the place and there will be random days when he has to leave at 5am and either not come back that night, or come back at about 10pm.

Lawyer said this would be better. I said that it brings more uncertainty to the schedule - because it does. She then said, "But he won't need to commute." with a face and tone that seemed to imply I didn't understand how difficult this commuting is for him.

Poor OH, right?

Only, he LOVES driving! He doesn't like traffic jams, so he leaves home earlier to avoid them. But he would drive 5 hours return journey on a single day to do his hobby in the past. Every weekend. Driving really isn't a problem for him. And then, while we've all been locked down, had a curfew etc, he's not only been able to travel to two different offices (so not looking at the same four walls every day) and see two different sets of colleagues (admittedly few, but hey I went a month without seeing another adult to talk to), he's also had a pass to allow him out after curfew! This means he's been able to do a sport/hobby after work, before his 'terrible' commute back on almost empty roads. (and guess who's at home, inside, with the kids while he's suffering so much...?).

I can't say any of those things though, because I'm not there to argue. I'm just there to get my paperwork.

I have a child at home ill today too. I'm desperate to get out for a walk. It's beautifully sunny today. But OH is in the further away office and won't be back until after curfew (and after he's had his little sport break from the stresses of corporate life - which I, as an involuntary SAHM, couldn't possibly understand..).

I am totally moaning. I have spoken to a friend who knows the entire story this morning. She was supportive and that was helpful. But I feel so shaken from the whole issue of the lawyer ascribing OH feelings that he doesn't have, that I have just spent the whole day on the edge of tears.

I don't blame her. It's complicated. He's a really nice guy. He is! So, when he says that he doesn't feel something that in a situation he probably should, because other people would, it doesn't make sense. The trouble is it doesn't make sense in a way that is so contrary to who he is, that your brain just ties in what he said, to what you think he's really meaning. Because in most cases, if he really meant what he said, he would be a horrible person! And there he is in front of you, clearly not horrible. I spent years doing what she did today. I recognise it. It's taken me years to get to the point where I can not do it and recognise that he's not a horrible person.

And one of the main reasons for the divorce is because I can't cope in a supposedly emotionally intimate relationship with someone who has such stunted emotions..because there has never been emotional intimacy. I just thought there was during the period when I 'filled in' his emotions. There's also the aspect where he frequently doesn't believe something I'm saying, because he doesn't experience it, hasn't experienced it and therefore it simply doesn't exist - including how I'm feeling about a situation.

So perhaps it's quite so disturbing today because it's a sign that inherently, I'm not believed in that room. Very few people have ever seen the other side of him - literally one. When I've told friends who have met him the response is along the lines of "I believe you because you're telling me and I know you wouldn't be making this up. But I'd have never guessed."

Being believed is more important to me than I realised.

I'm feeling a bit better now. Been able to get outside and do a bit of exercise so had my heart pumping and that always helps move feelings on I find.

I spoke to OH about the meeting and asked what he thought about it. He didn't have much to say (nothing unusual there). I said I wasn't happy with how the meeting was conducted, that my feelings/experiences were summarised professionally, while he was asked about his feelings three times and his response was basically ignored. I said I didn't like that. He didn't really either (the part where she pushed him on feeling more than he does). I said I would go back to her again but want to focus on legal things, not pseudo-psychology. He was in total agreement!

If there's one profession he dislikes more than lawyers, it's psychologists! I'd been so wrapped up in my own stuff I'd not thought about that. He absolutely hates psychologists and psychology. He suggested I mention to her next session that I want to stick to law. Apart from anything else, international lawyers here coast 3-4 times per hour what psychologists do, so if we need to get in touch with our feelings, it would be cheaper to engage a psychologist separately.

It's really been phenomenal though to have her tilt of the head, wry smile and "I can see it." ringing through my head. To see SO CLEARLY someone else do what I did for years. To see a professional step over the boundary of neutrality because his demeanour and his words don't match up is actually priceless, despite the pain it caused me. Because it makes me feel less stupid. I ascribed him feelings he didn't have for years. She did it within 2 hours meeting him (she did something less clear in the first meeting that wasn't about divorce, because we weren't allowed to mention divorce or OH wouldn't attend the meeting and that was 6 months ago). Basically, within 40 minutes of this meeting she'd done it. I can proudly say that it took me longer than that.

This relationship has destroyed all my confidence. I'm barely even a "shell of my former self" it's changed me so much. One of the issues in the past few years has been HOW could I have missed all the signs? How could I have ended up in a situation with someone who actually doesn't respect me, doesn't actually want me, just want's a kind of mother/housewife robot (not a sex robot though, he's not even physically attracted to me). Then it goes back to my own life prior, my own trauma etc and I just felt that I was irrevocably broken. And I might be. When it comes to 'reading' him though, it's not just me. It's very, very tricky to see what's actually going on with him, because he is a nice person, but his words and some of his actions don't match that - and I know that sounds like I'm in denial. But I'm not. He's not malicious. Anyway, I got to witness another woman doing what I did, in a short period of time talking to him. And I got to witness it three times.

Priceless!