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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Overwhelmed: divorce and cancer (DH’s)

17 replies

Earlgrey19 · 21/03/2021 22:29

Long story but DH just finished treatment for very serious cancer. We’d decided on separation just before his diagnosis and then put in on hold. He moved out for 6 months to shield and barely saw the kids (6, 3) in that time, though I tried to facilitate garden visits. Now he’s been back a month and it’s been amicable but he wants to push ahead with divorce and selling family home. His prognosis is around a 10% chance of surviving 5 years. So kids having not seen him for 6 months facing imminent upheaval of that and then high chance of bereavement.

Added to which I’m scared financially. I work part time and earn 18.6k. I might be able to get more work hours, but we live in an expensive city. DH by contrast earns 70k. But might not be around in future as a co-parent for kids, or for CMS etc.. I think I agree with DH that we don’t have a future as a couple but seems too much to do this to the family right now. Feeling overwhelmed. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
dotdotdotdash · 21/03/2021 23:02

I’m sorry you and your DH are going through this. Honestly? In your situation I would hang tough and postpone any separation or divorce. Give yourselves time to adjust to everything- end of lockdown, end of treatment. If you are amicable, you don’t need to rush into divorce.

dotdotdotdash · 21/03/2021 23:06

To add, I took three years to get my career into a better place before separating from my dh. We agreed this and it was the right thing to do for us.

Original poster
Earlgrey19 · 21/03/2021 23:07

Yes, that’s exactly my thoughts and what I want, but I’m not sure it’s easy to put the brakes on DH re divorce. I think he’s looking for control after a terrifying illness (which still hangs over him).

OP posts:
butterfly990 · 21/03/2021 23:08

If you are both able to look at the future rationally based on what is in the best interest of the children.

Currently if you are still married and your husband dies you will be entitled to the Bereavement Support Payment for 18 months. If you are divorced you will not be eligible.

Why does he want to sell the house?

Who is named on his pension? Does he have a will? What is he reasoning for divorcing if he has a 10% chance of living over 5 years. Does his work contract have a death in service contract?

As an aside has he provided details of what he would like for his funeral?

I was widowed 2015. X

Original poster
Earlgrey19 · 21/03/2021 23:18

Thanks so much butterfly and I’m very sorry for your loss. Grateful to you for mentioning bereavement support — I didn’t know that.
He has generous death in service at work, but not sure if it’ll all go to the children (to access when they are 18) — presumably he could stipulate life insurance goes 100% to them too even if we’re still married? He’s about to make a will. I think he wants to sell the house so we can both get on with buying separate homes as we can’t afford to do so without that. I think he understandably wants to assume he is going to survive. He’s imagining a future with a new partner (hasn’t met one yet), and moving on from some of the mutual hurt in our marriage.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 21/03/2021 23:24

That's a horrible situation for you all to be in. Why is he wanting to rush on this?

Giraffey1 · 21/03/2021 23:32

I can understand his viewpoint: you’d both decided you were going to split but put things on hold when he got his diagnosis. Perhaps he now wants to get things back on track so he can have some control over whatever is left of his life?

HoldontoOneMoreDay · 21/03/2021 23:35

A close family member was in a similar situation OP, they pushed through and separated in the middle of their treatment. For them, the illness highlighted how far apart they'd grown, the ex was actually really horribly unsupportive when first diagnosed which didn't help, but I think there was a HUGE element of seize control/you only live once so why be unhappy at play.

I wish they'd had counselling to unpick some of this because things turned very, very bitter.

I don't think you can make someone stay in a relationship they don't want to be in; I do think that you can (with the support of counselling or mediation) have very clear conversations about money etc. The change in financial status from being a widow to being an ex-wife with children to support is harsh, you both need support to work that through.

KeyboardWorriers · 21/03/2021 23:35

He hasn't got much life left, I guess it is understandable he wants to live it the best way he can.

KeyboardWorriers · 21/03/2021 23:36

I agree though that it would be a very good idea to both get lots of counseling and support (together and separately) to help you get through this

caringcarer · 21/03/2021 23:57

Is your DH aware how divorce will affect your finances and impact on his children? Maybe he is simply unaware you would not get same benefits if you were divorced. If he may not live long he would not be there to pay you maintenance for children. You would need to discuss this with a solicitor. Maybe you would need to have more of house equity as you will likely have to provide long term for your children.

Original poster
Earlgrey19 · 22/03/2021 07:30

Yes, spoken to a lawyer. She said that I would need a bigger share of the house equity. But that I’d need some spousal maintenance also.

OP posts:
HosannainExcelSheets · 22/03/2021 07:57

Can you talk pragmatically about death? He can move out and move on, but stay married to protect you and his children financially in the case he dies. And if not, if things look better 2-5 years down the line, you can divorce then on the grounds of 2/5 years separation.

HollowTalk · 22/03/2021 10:12

In terms of his pension it would be really cruel and stupid for him to divorce you. If he did die, then his pension contributions would just go back into the system (as far as monthly payments out are concerned.)

Supersimkin2 · 22/03/2021 10:49

I too know a couple this happened to. After a close brush with death, DH wanted a chance of happiness with his remaining time.

OP, no offence, I don’t think you can take the hope of happiness from anyone, especially if you’re only concerned about losing their salary. People will notice. Your kids certainly will.

DH did find love, remarried and had twins last year to the delight of all. He’s on year 4 and shows no sign of falling ill again.

Survival rates are usually an underestimate; bear that in mind when you’re talking, and make arrangements for maintenance and insurance payouts amicably. Most insurance will go to the children once he moves out, by the way. He can change the details if/when he remarries and has more children.

Jobsharenightmare · 22/03/2021 10:57

I'm so sorry this is happening. I hope you are both able to find a way forward together that leads you where you want to get to and especially where he wants to get to before he passes away. He may not want or need to have any of the conversations people are suggesting here that would be for your benefit and just be desperate to move it all on. We don't know how he feels about the marriage and what legacy or meaning it will come to hold for him. There are a lot of assumptions here about his character from other posters without knowing his side.

I hope you're both receiving some counselling, him from the psycho-oncology team and you from healthy minds if you aren't already.

LemonTT · 22/03/2021 11:10

@Earlgrey19

Yes, spoken to a lawyer. She said that I would need a bigger share of the house equity. But that I’d need some spousal maintenance also.
I would get a new solicitor
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