Separation. Maybe divorce. How does it work when dh earns so much more than me?

[Mozartrequiem]

Dh and I agreed, prior to 1st child (we have 2) that I’d be a sahm.

I wish I’d thought ahead at that point. I have a masters degree and a professional qualification. But I’ve been out of he job market for so long that I don’t even get an interview for receptionist positions. I feel so financially vulnerable, were I to leave my marriage,

I have built my own business as a sahm - I have a self employed income of about 12k per year , which isn’t bad for part time school hours, term time only.

But i earn literally 1/10 of what dh does. The mortgage for our home is based on his income..

Half of the equity (equity of about 500k) in our house would barely buy a tiny 3 bed terrace in my area.

One child is Sen, I receive dla. Dh refuses to parent him, as he doesn’t understand or look to research the implications of asc, pda, spd etc,

It’s looking like we are going to separate.

Has anyone been through similar? How does it work? Both from a financial and parenting perspective.?

If your child gets DLA you could get carers. If you get carers you are entitled to UC - and can then earn up to £123 pw. Any cms you receive would not count as earnings. (Although spousal or having the mortgage paid for you would)
Do your sums using the UC calculator online. You might be surprised how much better off you will be.

So divorce is based on the needs of the children.
You can go see solicitors and they'll tell you oh you could get this or that. The sen will affect things. But ultimately it is just you and your stbxh deciding.
We found going to counselling to help us separate really helpful. Mediation £360ph versus counselling sessions £65ph. Our counsellor is also a trained social worker so understands the needs of children. She also gave my ex confidence to parent and I don't think I'd really understood his nervousness - just felt the resentment he left it all to me.
Our situation we ended up agreeing
75/25 on the house equity
50/50 pensions
No spousal
CMS
But then altered it to...
86/14 equity
Each kept own pension (you'll wince when you see how much it costs to change things!)
No spousal
CMS
And then I'm buying his 14% share with a loan from my parents. He's transferring the equity to me but staying on the mortgage so I can keep living there.
There are lenders who will lend to him and the law treats him as a new buyer (so he's not paying 15% stamp duty which is the 2nd home rate.
I'm not saying that's what you should do but do think out of the box.
Start reading up all the free gov info.

Also. If you do claim UC then you might qualify for free court fees.

2 kids 1 sen dc here but young adults (so no cms) I'm getting 65% equity 50% pension and 5 years spousal of £820 a month. We are both worse off by divorcing but he wanted to. He pays kids university living costs directly to them

Go and see a good family law solicitor. What jumps out to me is the huge discrepancies in salaries. Your husband can easily get a mortgage on that salary, you can’t. How much do you need for a suitable house? If 80% equity will buy you something suitable mortgage free, go for that. How big are his pensions? You deserve a fair share. Despite what you read on MN spousal maintenance does exist and I think you could expect SM, if even for a short while, if he’s earning £100k +

How old are you and how long have you been together?

For what it’s worth, my ex earned £100k to my 25k. I was awarded 90% equity and a substantial share in my divorce - we were early 50s and my youngest had just gone to Uni so didn’t count.

Don’t sell yourself short. You need a suitable home and income for you and your children. He can start again easily, you can’t.

Long marriage here, 3 adult kids, gave up career to support his but always worked part time within restrictions (abroad, he travelled extensively for work), self employed earning 20k per year I got 86% equity of house 10 years spousal maintenance, and a third of the current pension pot at the time. He will be more wealthy than me but this was agreed through mediation, our mediator was very experienced and very good. Please get legal advice. And good luck.

Substantial pension share, that is!

I absolutely echo what @oldfatandtired1 says. You will get spousal maintenance, pension and enough to buy a house.

Thank you everyone. In answer to your questions, we’re both early 50s, together 21 years married for 11. One child in 6th form, one in year 9 (Sen)

I think I’d have to go down the route of (hopefully) buying a house as if I stayed here I’d be in trouble if he stopped working which, historically, he has done at times of stress. I’d rather stay here, as consistency is important for ds, but I don’t think it’s worth the risk.

You need a shit hot lawyer, particularly given the ages of your children. By the time the divorce is settled you wouldn't get CMS for DS1 as they'd be over 18 (any support XH gives for further education would go directly to them) and you'd only have a few years CMS left for DC2. So equity and pension becomes the priority. Given that your XH is close-ish to pension age it's possible that protecting their pot will be their priority, which means you have a bargaining tool in terms of equity.

It's great that your earning even a little - please try and pay something into your own pension even if it's just a tiny amount.

There will be a swings and roundabouts calculation between ramping up your business/getting carers/UC so you need expert advice here. It's also important to be very clear sighted about DC2s DLA. I'm very pessimistic about my DS15's chances of getting PIP when he's an adult, mainly because he's in complete denial that his autism affects him. If DC2 loses that benefit as an adult you'd likely lose your carers so personally I'd focus on building up the business rather than relying on benefits that might stop. But again, this is complex stuff and you need help to understand it.

Ask around and get the best lawyer in your area - the cost will make your eyes water but if you don't, your DH will.

Meant to add: just because your P is in denial about DC2's disability doesn't mean the courts will be.

I am the same age, similar situ, work part-time and UC tops up, ex continues to pay mortgage - this is taken into account by UC (could have tried to move to my name and he pay maintenance instead which wouldn't be included/taken into account in the claim but easier to keep him on it as I don't earn enough). I manage but the separation was amicable in my case. My children are much younger though - you would get UC for the younger one for 4-5 years but your sixth former if living with you and not going to university will probably count as another adult at some point. You get a single person's discount on your council tax while they are under 18.
Any savings over 6k are taken into account - UC is a means-tested benefit but as you have DLA that might change things anyway. Best of luck to you It is incredibly wearing being the parent who steps up with SEN as you can handle it and they can't or don't want to learn

I am in a very similar situation re financial vulnerability and having been SAHM (minus the DLA). My lawyer advised I’d get a bigger share of the equity of the house and that she thinks there is a good case for asking for spousal maintenance. See the website Gingerbread re benefits for single parents. Good luck.

@LIamaDelRey
I am the same age, similar situ, work part-time and UC tops up, ex continues to pay mortgage - this is taken into account by UC (could have tried to move to my name and he pay maintenance instead which wouldn't be included/taken into account in the claim but easier to keep him on it as I don't earn enough).

Are you sure about this? My exH is named on my mortgage and pays the amount agreed in divorce settlement for child maintenance to cover the mortgage.
It's not counted for UC as is child maintenance.

Get a good solicitor, ideally one that isn't a robber. You will probably be entitled to the larger part of the family home, at least half of the pension pot and half of the savings. Some pensions can be drawn down in advance of your ex retiring ie where u get the retirement fund as a lump sum now instead of on a weekly basis when he retires.

So could I use the half pension pot towards buying a house, as well as the equity from our current house, so I’d be mortgage free (no way would I be able to get a mortgage on my self employed income) then start aggressively topping up my own pension in lieu?

you couldn't draw down from a pension until you are 55 no matter how it get shared.

Originally you mentioned that half the equity could buy a 3 bed terrace in your area. Personally I would try to accept this option - a small house will be lower council tax, lower maintenance, and easier to live alone in a small house when you are an older person.

If you can possibly accept the lower standard of living, it will help your stress level in the long run. It is going to feel like a massive compromise but just stop and think: you have barely any income at all.a massive reduction in living standards is frankly, inevitable.

Start downsizing your possessions now (sell things second hand, keep the income for yourself, don't give a dime to OH a f if he asks just say you are doing a life laundry or something) whether it is clothes, furniture, ornaments, kitchenware that you don't use (crockery, vases, electrical items etc), old phones, furnishing items like lamps and side tables, (Facebook and Gumtree good for this). Sometimes you can get a few quid for books and CDs on Facebook etc. If you work hard and don't have to rush the selling process, you can generate quite a lot of cash.

Also I'd make the older child aware, as soon as you can, that unless dad will negotiate a living allowance for him, that when his dad separates from you there will be basically be no money coming in to support him. So he will need to get a job and pay you rent and pay for his own clothes and expenses from his income. Point out you can help him claim benefits himself if applicable and although it will be tough, it's a good life lesson to learn and you will help him every way you can that isn't financial.