Telling grown up kids- feeling a failure

[30julytoday]

So, tonight stbexh and I had zoom call with 20 something DSs to tell them we are separating and divorcing . We’ve been married 30 years.

Because of covid We’ve not seen either of them since a brief stay with us last august - they visited us separately, we’ve not been together as family since Dec 28 2019 😢.

We had what we wanted to tell them planned out, things are pretty amicable between husband and i. I’m petitioning on unreasonable behaviour grounds but we’re not telling them that ...kept it very pragmatic about issues they know about and grew up with ( can’t explain as outing) and saying we’ve agreed that it’s better to live separately due to said issues, and divorce is just tying up legal and financial things

They are shocked and upset...I’m not surprised by this and expected there to be a grieving process for them over coming months.

but I feel such a failure and shit bag for deciding it’s time to separate and that I can’t carry on. I’m so scared they’ll be angry and stop contacting me, even though they don’t know it’s me that called it, they’ll know it’s me that can’t deal with it any more

We finished call with both of them upset..I can’t hug them and won’t for a couple of months more yet...I want to explain more but can’t cos it will just burden them and make things shittier for them.

I know they’re adults, but it is so hard on them and that’s nothing I can do to ease their pain and I’m over 200 miles away

I feel desolate and helpless

Tell me what I can do to help them please

My parents split up after a long marriage - I was in my early 20s. I found it hard for a few months but very quickly adapted, and being an adult meant I could actually understand and appreciate that they shouldn't be in a situation that made neither of them happy. I think you need to accept there will be a grieving period for everyone involved but it's not forever.

I wish you well x

@PleaseHoldCaller1

My parents split up after a long marriage - I was in my early 20s. I found it hard for a few months but very quickly adapted, and being an adult meant I could actually understand and appreciate that they shouldn't be in a situation that made neither of them happy. I think you need to accept there will be a grieving period for everyone involved but it's not forever.

I wish you well x

Thank you

I can sympathise. My 3 eldest children were shocked also. One of them took sides with his dad. I did my best to keep them all out of it. But my H obviously was leaning on my eldest for support I guess. This in turn came back on me and I started to get the blame. It was very upsetting.
Keep strong and don't give into pressure to get back together.