I’ve been with my husband for 10years total (3.5 years married) we have a soon to be 2yr old son together and I’ve been considering divorce for a while now.
I am an only child that comes from a split family myself. My folks divorced when I was 4 and I spent the next 18 years leading a double life. I had to change my personality, my likes, my dislikes, even my accent, to fit in with and please whichever parent was “looking after me” that weekend.
It had a profound impact on me. I never fully figured out who I am and I became a quintessential people pleaser. I have trouble forming boundaries and I’m constantly criticising myself to an unhealthy degree. I’ve been to some really dark places and hold a lot of anger and resentment because of how badly my family(s) handled everything. I have a chronic fear of rejection that has impacted every relationship and every interaction I have with other people. I had no siblings either so poor social skills and no one to confide in, relate to, or trust. Being an only child from a multifaceted family means you never quite belong with any one family group. You’re always the add on. The eye roll. The one they “have” to invite because it’s polite but never really belonging. The one that links all these group of people that would much prefer to go their separate ways.
I knew from the age of 8 years old that if and when I had kids of my own one day, I’d never ever ever want to put them through what I went through and I promised myself I’d work my ass off to break the cycle of kids being caught in the middle of warring parents (my mom divorced, my Nan divorced and my great-nan split from her husband too - (pretty hard core for those times).
I know first hand how much it sucks. How damaging it can be to a child’s self esteem. How fucking lonely it is.
I am terrified of putting my son through that.
But I’m not happy in my marriage.
We are not compatible
My husband is selfish, lazy and narcissistic.
He has a TON of baggage of his own as well - his Mum, (my MIL) is a toxic nightmare/drama queen and his dad abandoned him when he was 5.
Husband has a tendency to bury his head in the sand about what’s bothering him. He doesn’t self reflect or take accountability for his actions or words and lashes out at other people when he gets in a mood. He holds himself in an unshakingly high regard. In his viewpoint, he does nothing wrong he behaves impeccably, he bends over backwards for others and people still treat him badly or people still don’t appreciate him. What he doesn’t acknowledge is the bullying words, the constant video games, manipulating people at work and taking credit for their efforts, backing people into corners and demanding answers, kicking off and getting assertive if he’s asked to compromise on anything in any way shape or form.
We’re both in therapy at the moment. Not couples counselling it’s individual therapy with two different therapists. I saw it as a sign he was willing to work on our relationship, work on his issues and face some of his demons - for the sake of our marriage and the sake of our son.
At the end of the day, as more time passes I’m just...I’m just done!
I’m losing my fight.
I don’t think my husband is a bad person.
Yes he has his faults but don’t we all?
He’s an active parent he helps me with childcare duties and wants to be involved. He’s everyone’s friend and always makes people (including me) laugh out loud!
He’s (finally) earning enough to help the family with bills and financial commitments (which has been a long time coming)
But he’s so very controlling.
Every single decision has to be negotiated (from whose turn it is to cook dinner, who did the laundry last, how much money we can spend on groceries that week, which grandparent are we going to talk to that weekend) I don’t mean checking in, casual conversation, I mean everything has to be negotiated like a business transaction. And if I make a mistake or circumstances change lord knows he’s gonna come down on me like a ton of bricks.
He’s never hit me or physically assaulted me but when he’s in a mood he’s vile. He seems to take a satisfaction knowing he can “destroy people” with his words. If he sees an area of weakness he presses hard. He’ll push and push until you give an emotional response then sits back and claims victory because “look how unreasonable you are”
he’s also reckless with his spending and constantly dips into our joint account. I’ve always earned more money than he has though I must admit he’s now finally getting into a good place with his job and career. After 10 years he’s finally understood the benefit of saving!
Bottom line - He has very different views of right and wrong and he has very different morals. His acceptance of how to treat other people is in a lot of ways, polar opposite to mine.
It’s hard to function in a relationship when every time he talks to our son I disagree with what he says. Every time he does something it upsets me. Every opinion he expresses I oppose!
I want my son to grow up with kindness. To show kindness to others. With morals and knowing what’s right and wrong. Freedom to make his own choices, confidence to go out and pursue them and security to know he will always have someone fighting his corner and backing him up.
I don’t think My son will get that from my husband. He agrees in principle. He agrees with the logic of it. But his automatic/learnt behaviour kicks in whenever he feels out of control so he tries to control everything and everyone around him.
In Theory he agrees but in practice, me and my son walk on eggshells around him.
If we did divorce I am fully expecting it to turn ugly. His mum, my MIL would be a fucking nightmare. She’s married 3 times and has screwed over all her ex’s in the process. It would get ugly for sure and I don’t want my son caught in the crossfire.
I can foresee them/us all making the same mistakes my folks made - and I’m scared.
Apologies for the lengthy post. I don’t have friends so have no one to confide in. I lost contact with my birth dad soon after got together with husband and my husband is not a huge fan of my mum or step dad. So don’t get much chance to speak to them
Feel lonely AF
I just want what’s best for my son.
Start a new?
Or better the devil you know?