Proving your are primary carer

[superwoman232]

I will no doubt be going through child proceedings. I am primary carer. I spend all weekend every weekend with our child while husband is out breaking lockdown rules with friends or just plain watching TV but he wants 50/50. I have been keeping a diary but he's very cunning and has narcissistic personality disorder - he twists everything I say and is SO convincing and good at making up stories. He will say the diary is made up but I document EVERYTHING and try to take photos. Eg if diary says I took daughter to playground I will take a photo of us at playground etc. if I say I fed her breakfast I will photograph her breakfast or take a video. Is there anything else I can do?

Sorry if I sound crazy but ten years with an abusive ex who videos all our fights where he looks calm and I look like a banshee has led me here. I can't let him have 50/50 because he has put our 2 yr old to bed about ten times in her entire life. He spends 15 mins a day with her watching tv. I spend all evenings during the week with her after I finish work. I always put her to bed. I feed her all weekend meals (we have childcare during the week) and bathe her. His ONLY contribution is watching tv with her sometimes. I'm afraid he will turn up with 100 Instagram videos of him being a great dad and it will all go out the window.

I don't think the court takes favourably to people videoing each other or putting loads of photos of their children on social media, so don't go there but let him. I was in the court lift once and this poor Mum was having a complete melt down because the judge wouldn't listen to a voice mail.

Best thing is to stay completely calm and explain in a coherent manner. Do not let him wind you up. Remain completely factual without direct blaming.

@Watermelons29 yeh well he has a video of me swearing at him while holding our child (she was very young then) because he has wound me up and told me off for ordering Deliveroo because I'm not allowed to - when I make money and pay my own way. He twists and twists and starts videoing and in the moment it would have been right to put the baby down but instead a launch a tirade at him because I'm fed up. So I'm worried he will produce all that stuff. To be clear I had to start videoing him in the end to get a non molestation order and he doesn't come across well. Also been to the police about him 3 times...

It seems he is creating situations in advance whereas you are reacting, as most people would, so what he is doing is so much worse as it's planned.

My ex was and still is similar. I just ignore him now. Don't react. If you already have a non mol, I would consider videoing you as a form of intimidation, which you should report. If you are in the process of applying, ask specifically that he stops recording you.

They do it for the reaction, don't do it. Easier said than done but just remember, it's best for your little one.

Can you move to get away from him?

Are the police / carcass involved? You appear to be describing multiple levels of abuse but you taking lots of pics just proves two wrongs doesn't make a right Try to do the freedom program, get counselling if you can,. Detatch as much as you can from his taunts and hold your head high. See these GP about anxiety if needs be. Show that you are doing everything you can to make things better and make you the best you can be.
Good luck..

Sorry to hear of your situation. My understanding is that a court may look at things like who sorts out the child's dentist/doctor appointments, haircuts, interactions with school etc, so you may be better off focusing on these. Also less subjective than trying to compete with a narcissistic ex. If/when you (or ex) move out, make sure the child is registered under your address for doctor/dentist etc as this can add weight if you do end up with 50/50 and there's any dispute over child benefit/school admissions etc. Sadly I have been there done that with a narc ex, we do have 50/50 but to my surprise he has stepped up after doing next to nothing for the kids while we were married.

If he is that disengaged will he actually want 50:50 once he has 'won' or is there some other poor woman (relative or gf) lined up to step in?

@Bedraggled2020 how did you end up with 50/50 if he was doing next to nothing before you split? I assume you did not go to court based on your reply? (And thank you for your reply)

@superwoman232 Long story but he insisted on it (I think to avoid paying maintenance and for his public image!) and wouldn't let me move out unless I agreed to it (essentially part of his controlling/abusive behaviour) In the end I was so desperate to get out I opted to try 50/50 on a trial basis with the plan to go to court if I felt it wasn't working for the children. Possibly a dangerous strategy as once you've set up 50/50 it might be hard to argue for a change. At the time I had to weigh up whether having a normal happy home for half their time was preferable to all their time in a toxic environment. Ihad a very good, pragmatic lawyer on my side, hope you have this support too. The other thing to add is that although ex was extremely lazy with the kids, I never felt he was a danger/abusive to them. If that had been the case I would not have gone down this road. Good luck x