Custody for very young kids

[Derbyshirelady]

We are separating reasonably amicably. Got a 5yo with additional needs and development delay, and a 2.5yo.

My STBX wants joint shared custody pretty much as soon as we are not living together (need to sell the house first so this is a few months away). I’ve got huge reservations about this. The 5yo I am expecting to be really unsettled by the whole thing and the toddler is still a baby, and so attached to me. Was hoping we could phase in to equal shared time. I’m quite happy for STBX to spend as much time as is necessary at my new house while we all get used to this.

Just wondered how others have dealt with this? What sort of pattern do you have for custody if you’ve got very young kids, or kids with SEN?

Thinking maybe we use this time while we’re selling the house to get the little one more used to being with just his Dad. STBX will avoid parenting if he can which is partly how we’ve got to this point and why the little one wants me all the time.

2.5 is not very young nor are they a baby.
50/50 care can work fabulously if both parents work at it.

Does he genuinely want 50/50 if he avoids parenting or is he just trying to make life difficult? Seems an odd desire if it's one of the reasons you split.

He wants 50/50 but avoids parenting?? How's that going to work then? Have you asked him?

I suspect he could be trying to put you off. If he drives the caring responsibility he is unlikely to truly want to do thehard graft. If you think this may be at play, say it is a marvelous idea and start leaving him to it. E.g. if you always do bath and bed suggezt alternate nights so kids can get used to how it will be when he has shared custody. Be positive and say how it will of course also be beneficial for you to have time to yourself. Watch how that plays out...

What is wrong with you FelicityPike? Now deleting my account.

Just asked a genuine question, I don’t need judgment about how I describe my kids.

@Derbyshirelady

What is wrong with you FelicityPike? Now deleting my account.

Just asked a genuine question, I don’t need judgment about how I describe my kids.

Absolutely nothing, but 2.5 year olds aren’t babies!!! And if my comment makes you want to delete your account then I think you’re going to need to develop a tougher skin to co-parent successfully. I wish you well!

@Derbyshirelady

What is wrong with you FelicityPike? Now deleting my account.

Just asked a genuine question, I don’t need judgment about how I describe my kids.

Whoa. That's somewhat of an overreaction.

Nobody judged you, but Flouncers Corner can be found here...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/flouncers_corner

And the award for most dramatic exit goes to...

I agree

2.5 year old children can be away from their mothers and I know several whol went straight to almost 50:50 at that age
Why so defensive ?

No one here knows if that’s right or not in your situation but I do think many mums ( understandably) say it’s their children that wo t cope when it they mean they don’t want their child to have 50:50

Spending time in your new home I don’t personally think is ideal - why but weekends? Or I’ve or 2 nights during the week ?

What are the extent of the 5 year old's needs? Eg can they attend wrap around school care? Can they cope with change?
Stop thinking about you and your stbxh and focus on the kids' needs.
How much 1:1 parenting has he done? How much does he truly want to do (without the lure of 50/50 = no cms)?

This post shows how unsupportive mn can be. This is a mum understandably worried about her children being upset with such a lifestyle change. It's a massive deal not to see your children every day (for the mums and dads) and if the dad hasn't previously done much parenting I think the OP here was doing well thinking and asking advice about how best to move to 50/50 for the children.

OP hope you come back

I disagree.
2.5 is extremely young to be away from their Mothers for long periods and to think it's not is a very western idea that most other cultures find bizarre.

I'm with you OP.

Just separated from my DH with a 7 and 2 year old and we have a good split as DH sees DCs regularly, but not for long periods. He has one overnight where I'm away from them for 24 hours and then 2 evenings in the week (just dinner and bed time) which he does one of at my house. He also does a couple of mornings where he nips in to give them breakfast on his way to work. As DCs get older we will fade into more separate time with them for longer periods, but whilst they're young this works for us. We're also very amicable.

I suspect you're overwhelmed and feeling emotional, hence your reaction.
Ignore other posters, many of whom are anti-maternal.

50/50 care is inappropriate at any age and two year olds should not be away from their mothers overnight except on rare occasions.

Agreed entirely @mydcaremarvel
I do hope OP returns to see our support for her.
I imagine she might even be breastfeeding in which case it's entirely inappropriate for her to be away from the 2 year old for long periods.

Entirely disagree with mydcaremarvel. Completely outdated notion that fathers are second best.
Children adapt very well of both parents allow them to

Since when did the vital role of the Mother (child-bearer, breastfeeder, nurturer) become outdated @millymollymoomoo ?

Devaluation and disrespect for the role of mothers really boils my piss.

@Tickatickboom

Agreed entirely *@mydcaremarvel* I do hope OP returns to see our support for her. I imagine she might even be breastfeeding in which case it's entirely inappropriate for her to be away from the 2 year old for long periods.

She isn’t. Her children were adopted. This is more turmoil in their lives.

@MyDcAreMarvel you are so right. Fathers are second best. There is a reason they don't have a uterus. My daughter is 90000000 times more attached to me than him