Is this financial abuse or just being an arsehole?

[Londono]

I am hoping to buy STBEXH out of the house at the amount he requested. But it is dragging on and on and we are still living together. He has stopped paying anything towards the mortgage or the bills leaving me to cover everything. I can't even cancel things like Sky as they are in his name but come out of the joint account. This has been going on for several months.

I have asked him to contribute and he refuses saying that I will be benefitting from the reduced mortgage total. My solicitor is going to raise it in his next email but it has made me think, is this financial abuse? I can cover it - just - but it is obviously leaving me short and in the meantime he is building up a nice amount.

Opinions welcome!

Why is it dragging on? What's holding it up

If the sky bill comes out of the joint account can you just cancel the direct debit? Presumably the black mark will be against his name as he holds the sky account?

Slow solicitors are holding it up and him moving the goalposts too. The Sky Bill is just one example - weirdly I'm worried about antagonising him by doing that.

Oh @Londono I really feel your pain. I can't offer you a solution I'm afraid, but I'm my opinion it is financial abuse. The fact that you are buying him out of the house does not justify him having a free ride for however long he decides to drag it out for with ever moving goalposts. It does not mean you should have to provide f**king Sky TV for free 😣

I was in exactly the same boat. XH delayed the divorce every step of the way, and lived like a King at my expense in the meantime (approx 2 years). He didn't even contribute towards childcare or things our DS needed (how is that because of not wanting to pay towards a mortgage be won't benefit from ).

I moved all household bills over to my own separate account, switched suppliers where I could to save money and paid them from there, leaving him responsible for paying money into the joint account to cover 'his' bills (which also included the Sky bill! And personal loans etc) and meant I could be sure the household bills were covered. I also was frightened of my XH and didn't want to antagonise him, so I just put it to him as preparing for when we lived separately. Eventually he removed all 'his' direct debits from the account also and I was able to close it without any need for his permission.

I am so much better off financially now he's gone, not sure how many people can say that after having to buy someone out of a property! But it feels so good to be in control of my own finances after years of financial abuse (which goes back further than those last 2 years). So hang on in there. If you can just about manage now supporting an extra adult, then just think how great it will be once he's gone. I bet he's really shit with money management and this is him projecting.

I'm glad your solicitor is going to raise it. Mine didn't. It's wrong that they are able to get away with it - they know full well that you can't do much about it without causing more expense and delay.

Can you close the joint account? Cancel the direct debit

Thanks @Tiddleypops, it is really starting to stress me out. We are currently down to two toilet rolls (always something I've restocked) and I'm sure he is just waiting to see when I will replenish them. It all makes me want to cry which I'm sure is part of the control. He also puts the heating on high when the windows are open and I just feel like my money is literally flying out the windows.

He has more money than me so it isn't that he can't afford it.

@Theunamedcat I don't think I can close the joint account without his permission and many of the direct debits are in his name. I am also trying to reduce conflict wherever possible as I know anything other than that will make him dig his heels in and my aim is to get him to move out.

Hi @Londono I know how it feels and it is draining. I hope someone will come with practical advise, however for now try to accept it in your head- its your last push to your freedom, goalpost might be moving but it is there and it will happen. Those are silly, pathetic games, dont let him destroy your health, dont engage, get the paper and put it with a smile on the shelf. If he notice he is loosing the control he will stop engage in the petty stuff. Its a win win however you will need to train your mind to think this way and at the beginning it might be hit and miss. Hope it will all work out for you.

I’d say it’s financial abuse. So you need to move your money out of joint and into separate as soon as possible.

You can stop paying the mortgage altogether. It’s covid so you won’t be repossessed and that will force the sale within next six months. You can always tell future creditors your husband stopped due to divorce and so you could not pay it.

Use the money you save after 2 months and move out of the house into a rental.

Open a new account and start having your salary put in it instead of joint account. So that going forward, it’s not your money on heat and other bills in your cosy rental.

• weird last two sentences got combined. Not your money on heat and bills for the house. But only your money on your cosy rental. I’d honestly do this quietly so he comes home one day and you’ve moved all the furniture you want to a rental...sofa, bed, white goods. He can then use his money to buy replacements for himself. That will pay you back for all his mortgage payments you’ve done for him.

I really can't stop paying the mortgage when I am about to buy him out, it would have terrible repercussions for me and him but he knows that I won't do it. I also can't move out as if he continues to refuse to pay the mortgage I would have to pay it to avoid defaulting and pay my rent. He has got me backed into a corner.

I do have my own account and only transfer what I have to but that is obviously the lion's share of my salary.

Whose name are the bills in? Thats whose debt it despite who pays the debit..
So carry on paying mortgage, but default on any bills that are not in your name. Then
Apply for new gas etc in your name

Also you can advise council tax and get them to send separate bills to him and you as a shared house..but tbh its probably best to just keep paying that ..

OK, speak to the mortgage company offer to pay directly speak to the bank and ask them to freeze the joint account? Where does your salary go?

It might be possible to contact the utilities and get them transferred into your name in the same way as you would if you'd just moved into a new property? I know it doesn't help much, but it gives you some control and reduces your reliance on the joint account - after all you'll need to anyway in due course.
My ex did the same, heating on high all day, fire on, windows open. It was completely draining, game playing, totally pathetic bully boy behaviour. I hope your solicitor can get you something
It would be his debt if he defaults on the utility bills, I wonder if you can use this to your advantage somehow? I appreciate you have to keep up with the mortgage and moving out isn't really a viable option in the circumstances. Do you have a new mortgage in your name only? Do you have DC?

You're not about 'to buy him out' - it literally could take years to get him out if he digs his heels in

He's ramping up the abuse and costs to you by opening windows when the heating is on - you're going to have to think about putting locks on your bedroom door and having a plug in heater in there (electric) and disconnecting the gas if you have gas

If you don't take him on and go to the mattresses he could just make you pay for the mortgage and heating and deliberately leave it on all the time

What about an exclusion order? Or occupation order?

We have DC that I am buying all the food for. I do not want to do any of the suggested tactics here as I am concerned about how he will react.

I wouldn't have the heating on at all at the moment, apart from occasionally to bump the temperature up if we get cold. I guess the only option is to go via my solicitor.

OP I feel for you. In fact I could have written your post as I am in exactly the same situation. Stbxh won't pay a penny including towards his own children's food and it is so frustrating while he drags his heels about what he may or may not decide to do.

I wish I had some advice or answers for you (and me!) but I just keep telling myself how much sweeter freedom will taste and at least he is strengthening my resolve that divorce is the right thing for me.

Stay strong, don't rise to it. If he is anything like mine a lot is to try and provoke a reaction. Total grey rock approach. Switch what bills you can, keep a track of spend.

I don't know if it is the formal definition of financial abuse, but it certainly feels abusive when you are in it

For what is is worth, you're not alone.

Really sorry that you are in such a horrible situation - hang on in there, it will resolve eventually.

This may not be entirely helpful, but I think you have the option to flag with the bank that you are divorcing and they will freeze the joint account. This can stop anyone doing huge cash withdrawals (my ex did that at one point). It could stop the payment of bills in his name. It might not be the best answer for your situation but it's an option

Agree with @Monny. Speak to the bank. See if they have a solution for you.
Also put in a claim for cms
I know you are living in the same house but I’d keep all communication in writing. And keep copies of everything. You could also speak to women’s aid to see what they suggest