OH and I have always argued. He never stops himself telling me where I have gone wrong. Now working at home with three kids at home I feel trapped. I have had to take a sick day because our arguing was so bad just before my morning meeting that I couldn't log on.
We have talked divorce but only when we are angry.
He says that he will fight me every step of the way for the children. Or he says he will disappear and the children will never see him again.
He has high blood pressure which has been picked up several times over the last five or so years but now he blames me for it and says I am trying to push him into a box.
Everything is my fault according to him but if I try and talk about it I am labelled as being defensive or aggressive or sensitive or engaging in tit for tat. I end up crying a lot which he sees as manipulation. I just don't have anywhere to go with my emotions.
I have no money saved. The house needs work doing to it, which OH does. I can't move out with the kids. He would rather I just move out. I am not going to leave the children though.
I shout because I am so frustrated. I swear at him because he won't listen. But that just puts me in a bad position. Last argument he grabbed me really hard by the arms and pushed me against the wall digging his nails in. I should say there were no bruises afterwards. He tries to get me to hit him sometimes.
I don't know what to do. I feel trapped and sometimes I fantasies about suicide because I feel so trapped. I wouldn't do this though because of the damage to the children.
I am trying to be a better person, I have done talking therapies, I am very different to when we first met. But it's not enough for him. He still criticises me all the time.
Is there a way to switch off emotions for five years until the kids are older and I have some money and can get away?