Can we get back what we were or do we call it a day?

[Blowingbubbles22]

Ok here goes..

Is it possible to get back on track? Or is it time to call it a day?

My partner and I have been together for 20+ years, We have 3 children together. Family life is fine, but us as a couple it really isn't.

Over the past year(maybe two) we have lost our spark. Neither of us have cheated etc or done each other wrong but we've lacked communication and probably plodded on too long without acknowledging that something isn't right between us as a couple. We seem to have grown apart.

We have spoken at length over the past few weeks about how we are both feeling and have for the first time acknowledged that something is wrong in our relationship. The problem is he wants to draw a line under everything and move forward but neither of us really know how. And if I'm being honest I don't see us getting back to what our relationship once was. I can't see things changing as I feel like we have grown so far apart I don't know where to start to get us back on track. Or even if I want this anymore.Am I a cow for feeling like this?

I just feel like we've been here before and still here we are again. Has our relationship run it's course?
He really doesn't want to split and he says he doesnt want to lose me but I'm so torn how I feel. I love him of course I do but I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. How do i know?

What are everyone's thoughts. I know you can't make my decision for me with reagars to staying or going but I don't want to split the family unit up if there is any chance of things getting better between us, my head and my heart are telling me different things.Is this a warning sign to split?

Has anyone else been where my head is and can share their experience. I should probably say he doesn't want to try counselling and I'm not keen on that idea either, I've tried counselling when my mum died and it didn't really help me so I'm reluctant to try as well.

Is it possible to get back on track? How do I know what's the right decision. Any advice really appreciated.
Thank you for your replies in advance

My personal feeling with this sort of thing is always, 'Mend it, don't end it.' I think you owe it to yourselves and your children to try absolutely everything before you call it a day.

I was going to recommend couples counselling. It's very different to individual counselling - lots more practical stuff, homework to do, things to work through.
But not sure what kind of spark you are expecting after two decades and three kids? Relationships change. Don't split because you think you might find someone else and find that elusive spark. Only leave if the prospect of being single forever is better than staying in this relationship.

There are so many possible variables here! I found this book helpful:
Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay

Agree with previous posters that you should save the relationship if at all possible and in this context it's quite disappointing that you both are not willing to work hard on it through counselling. However if you have lost all motivation to work on things then this may be a very dangerous slippery slope - problems don't tend to resolve themselves if you just sit on them!

I've just gone through separation but it was definitely on the premise that I see being single alone forever as a way better option than living together with my ex.

All the best whatever you decide. If I were you I would think about my options and wait for the covid nonsense to end before making the final decision

I'm not considering finding someone else at all. Juat feel I maybe happier single. I don't expect a massive spark but some interaction and good conversation instead of being in a silent relationship once the kids have gone to bed. It just kinda feels like we are here for the kids and have kinda forgotten that we are a couple too. I guess that's how long term relationships go. Maybe I expect too much. Thank you for your reply

Try and save the relationship. I would really recommend Relate; it is different from individual counselling as a pp said and can focus on what you can both do to recover your relationship and look afresh at it.

Have you lost the relationship or lost yourselves?
You can divorce anytime - it's not an option with a sell by date.
But you only get now to try again. Put a bomb under yourselves. Go to counselling. With a kind of holistic approach to answering "is this what we want" question.
Make him realise you need interaction. Are you both fulfilled. Do things in your lives need to change?
I'd have saved my marriage if I'd done that. I didn't want to rock the boat... And on the most part we've had a really amicable divorce and the kids recovered quickly.
There's lots he did (like the ignoring) that needed to change but I'm also realising there's much I didn't appreciate and vice versa obviously.
I'd never advocate staying together when your heart isn't in it. But you don't sound like you're quite there. So please rock the boat, make him take you seriously - no brushing under the carpet, drawing a line etc.

If you really want to understand this rut and find a toolkit that works for you both to understand each others position and get out of it and stay out of it-i think you have to have counselling. The impartial voice pointing out the obvious you cant see is useful. And a dedicated time and space to talk about your relationship with no distractions.

I am a deeply deeply private person and found going hard. But it was incredibly helpful in helping us understand each other and talk more and in the right way. We actually did end up splitting some time after. However what i learned about myself and myself in relationships was really valuable and years later I use it to help make my new relationship a success.

To split and be happy you need to feel you tried everything.

I do feel for you op. DH and I don't have kids and haven't been together as long as you but some days there is very little interaction and bugger all conversation! But we've been in each others pockets for a year now. I used to have a great social life, with lots of other things and people in it. Now I have nothing to talk about and dh and I are I bored and tired and fed up. Perhaps you and dh are suffering from some pandemic fatigue too?