Why do they rewrite history?

[SallyAnn32]

I'm really upset. My stbxh sent me a really vile message today telling me that I was impossible to live with, that it was worth not seeing his Dd1 just to not be with me, that I was lazy, abusive etc. and the affair was his way of getting out of our marriage.

None of that is true. None of it. But it's still really upset me. Why do they do this?

It didn't just rock my world when he left, it shocked his family, our friends etc.

He also said he was going to take me to court for financial settlement because he can afford it and I can't do I won't get a penny.

What happened for him to send this message?

I would say just try not to engage beyond the absolutely necessary. I'm guessing as he's a stb ex husband that your split was fairly recent so emotions are probably running hugely high all round. What he said was nasty but don't rise to the bait.

It helps make them fell less guilty about the divorce

Ultimately we all want to think that we are good people. When we do something wrong this leaves a dissonance and the mind can play tricks and create justifications so we don't have to be the bad guy.

The court system aims to ensure that the childs well being is protected first, with adults needs coming next. If there is sufficient funds to meet children's needs then the aim is for balance of funds across the adults.

Starting point worse case for you should be 50:50 and if you are having DD more then it is likely to be slightly more in your favour.

Finances
Add together all debts prior

Add together all assets prior
This includes pensions although they aren't 'worth' their full face value, they have a transfer value

Take the debts from the assets and that is the amount left to be divided

Child Maintenance is separate and there is an online calculator to work that out based on salary and number of overnight stays

There will be no mechanism to take you to the cleaners.

Try not to fret

Accept that the divorce is for a reason, if life was all rosey between you then you wouldn't be getting divorced. I don't know him from adam but lets just assume he's a t**t and you'll well shot of him :)

Be brave, it'll be ok

@Bibidy

What happened for him to send this message?

I would say just try not to engage beyond the absolutely necessary. I'm guessing as he's a stb ex husband that your split was fairly recent so emotions are probably running hugely high all round. What he said was nasty but don't rise to the bait.

I told him that he needed to sort his partner out (the ow) after she called me at 4am

@GoldenBlue

It helps make them fell less guilty about the divorce

Ultimately we all want to think that we are good people. When we do something wrong this leaves a dissonance and the mind can play tricks and create justifications so we don't have to be the bad guy.

The court system aims to ensure that the childs well being is protected first, with adults needs coming next. If there is sufficient funds to meet children's needs then the aim is for balance of funds across the adults.

Starting point worse case for you should be 50:50 and if you are having DD more then it is likely to be slightly more in your favour.

Finances
Add together all debts prior

Add together all assets prior
This includes pensions although they aren't 'worth' their full face value, they have a transfer value

Take the debts from the assets and that is the amount left to be divided

Child Maintenance is separate and there is an online calculator to work that out based on salary and number of overnight stays

There will be no mechanism to take you to the cleaners.

Try not to fret

Accept that the divorce is for a reason, if life was all rosey between you then you wouldn't be getting divorced. I don't know him from adam but lets just assume he's a t**t and you'll well shot of him :)

Be brave, it'll be ok

Thank you. That's all really useful. I know legally he can't refuse to split the assets. He's using it as a threat.

When he told me about the affair and I asked why he said he didn't know and he wasn't unhappy it just happened x

Start distancing yourself from them. Set up a new email address for them only and get a cheap phone for them and just check it once a day.

And message the OW once and ask her not to contact you again