Spousal Maintenance

[Lotsofsunshine]

I'm currently trying mediation for my finances but we are very far apart on SM. I have asked my solicitor for advice but he seems to say different things when I ask - I know he can't say for sure what would happen if we do go to court. But I would like to go into mediation knowing the worst case and best case and then be able to make a decision on what a good agreement is in mediation knowing I need to be realistic. I have contacted a barrister for some written advice but wondered if anyone had done mediation successfully and had any advice.

I have not worked for 8 years. I'm a qualified accountant but will need time to get back to being able to work. I had not qualified for long when I gave up work and I am currently doing courses to enable me to work - this has been slowed down by homeschooling recently. I have spoken to agents/friends who work in the field and I am unsure how hard it will be to get back into accountancy with such a long break. I want to give it a shot to get back to it but realise I will have to take any job I can get after a short while if it does not happen.

We have 3 children 11, 8 and 5 - youngest just started school. At the moment I look after them full time apart from eow but eventually I will have them 2/3 time in term time and 50/50 holidays.

We have 2 houses so have enough to house us both adequately mortgage free with about £20k each left for savings. I will get child maintenance which I think will be about £900 a month.

His position is I should get no SM and thinks I can get a full time job immediately. Our school wrap around care is not accepting any new people because of covid and there are no childminder places at the moment for 3 children. I don't have family help.

He works for himself with a limited company and earns about £70,000 net.

My solicitor has said that I may be able to get SM until my eldest starts tertiary education but also perhaps until the youngest starts secondary school. Or maybe just for 1 or 2 years while I retrain and get back to work. He has also said I would be very lucky to get 2 years SM capitalised from the houses.

Has anyone else been a similar situation and also tried mediation where you are in the position of negotiating this yourself?

If anything, ask for more than you think is ok. My Ex was adamant that I must contribute 50% of all the kids outgoings going forward. Like a fool I expected him to honour his 50%. Did he fuck. Prom dress, prom suit, driving lessons, school trips. He contributed nothing. So I ended up shafted financially.

He has a pension which will split 50/50 but that is not substantial - 50k to be split and set up costs for me as I don't have one. We are both 42.

On his form E he said he needed £100k more for a house than me and his expenses were inflated as well. That has all come down in mediation but I find the whole process very hard even via zoom due to his behaviour.

And this is why you have to fight. His income is £140k, yours isn't. He can get a mortgage, you can't. He can ramp up his pension, you can't. 50/50 is not appropriate

I was made to feel greedy and grabby but I was trying to protect myself and underestimated my needs as I didn't want people to get the wrong impression. It's fair to say that although I have a nice house and job, my EX is absolutely loaded, whereas I check my spending twice a day to make sure I can pay everything

I was never made to feel greedy by my solicitor or his solicitor in mediation.
I was not seeking anything unreasonable and nor by the sounds of it are you OP. OP please do not be made to feel greedy by anyone.

You gave up your career and will now probably always be playing catch up with your earnings to him.
Plus if you have the kids 2/3 of the time midweek that continues to hamper your earning power vs his.

I don’t think 50/50 sounds fair I think you should get 60% of all assets.

I was awarded 5 years of SM, which was calculated at the difference between my monthly expenditures and my earnings (minus child maintenance as well). He is a very high earner.
One thing I would point out is that the court awarded child maintenance not on the gov't calculator but on his gross salary (because the CMS calculator only goes up to £150k salaries).
I think the key thing is the difference between your needs and your earnings. Try to work out your costs and then come up with a plan about how long it will take you to retrain/look for work and what you might earn at that point.
5 years is also the point at which my youngest will enter secondary school so I think the assumption was that I would go back to work full time at that point.
Good luck OP. You are definitely not greedy. This is about yours and your children's future financial security. Why should he waltz off with loads of disposable income while yours drops considerably? If you were in an abusive relationship (as mine had become) then you're likely to find it hard to confront him or ask for what you deserve. Just remember that's his voice saying you aren't worth it - and don't listen to it!!

I was also awarded around 65% of the assets on the basis that he could take out a big mortgage and I couldn't. So agree with Needtogetouttahere that 50/50 is only a starting point and probably not fair in your situation.

@Botanicals

I agree with *@Thedogisdrivingmemad* too. The £900 won’t even cover childcare let alone the other costs but op is being painted as greedy?

Christ it should do! but even if it doesnt, they are ops children as well, she needs to contribute.

If they contribute equally to their children then shes got £1800 per month to spend on 3 kids, which is plenty, especially when you have no housing costs.

Saying it's "plenty" doesn't make it fair though. I think posters are forgetting that income in divorce is relative to the ex-partner's (rather than to everyone else). The £900 wouldn't just cover childcare anyways - there's clothes, food, holidays, school expenses - it all adds up and is considered in relation to the previous marital lifestyle as well.

OP I think getting advice from counsel is the way forward, either by direct access, or through your solicitor.

Sorry you have had some negativity here, the mumsnet attitude to maintenance is bewilderingly hostile.

Thanks for all the comments - especially from those who have gone through a divorce or done mediation. I have asked for counsels opinion and I will come back to update on what we agree eventually in case it helps others.

I am fully aware that I have to work and support myself but I will need time to retrain and get back into work.

@Lotsofsunshine

Thanks for all the comments - especially from those who have gone through a divorce or done mediation. I have asked for counsels opinion and I will come back to update on what we agree eventually in case it helps others.

I am fully aware that I have to work and support myself but I will need time to retrain and get back into work.

Absolutely but you must not sell yourself (your children) short.

I think you also need to be aware that as he is self employed he could easily get away with paying you a minimal amount of CSA
He may not be able to this year if he’s already done his tax return but would be able to in the future

From what you posted he sounds like the sort who would begrudge paying you CSA so I wouldn’t rely on that 100 percent