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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Husband videoing me

14 replies

OctoberCarrot · 24/02/2021 21:40

So my husband has taken to videoing me when we have arguments.

This has happened on a number of occasions now. Is there any way I can stop this? I feel very violated in my house. Would a solicitor suggest this as record keeping? I’ve an appointment with a solicitor to initiate separation but don’t know if there is anything I can do about this before I have my appointment.

I’m so fed up now.

OP posts:

blackcurrantjam · 24/02/2021 21:47

Yuk. Awful behaviour. Keep a notebook. Boundary up. Don't argue. Go legal. Protocol. Mine did do it. Really really awful. He completely decimated it - us. We are nearly divorced. It's brilliant.

Original poster

OctoberCarrot · 24/02/2021 21:52

Thanks. It feels awful. At least it makes the separating easier as it makes me hate him.

I’ve been delaying, delaying, delaying worrying about pulling the trigger. This is a good kick in the butt.

OP posts:

CustardyCreams · 24/02/2021 21:56

I would start each conversation by turning on the video on your own device and state aloud, “for the benefit of the tape and so you are aware, I am videoing this.”

If he doesn’t like it, point out that he has been videoing you without consent and you want your own records.

If he does something that the camera won’t capture state a description loudly eg “for benefit of the tape, exDP has flipped me the bird and is pulling an angry face as he walks out of the room.”

If he doesn’t like this, suggest a ceasefire and neither of you record anything.

Original poster

OctoberCarrot · 24/02/2021 22:05

@CustardyCreams

I would start each conversation by turning on the video on your own device and state aloud, “for the benefit of the tape and so you are aware, I am videoing this.”

If he doesn’t like it, point out that he has been videoing you without consent and you want your own records.

If he doesn’t like this, suggest a ceasefire and neither of you record anything.

That’s a good idea I think I’ll try that. He catches me off guard when he’s doing it. I need to get strong. I know every little thing I do he’s documenting - it’s very disconcerting.

OP posts:

Momentumneeded · 25/02/2021 01:12

Sorry you are going through this. I had exactly the same experience and it just makes you feel like you have no safe space. I hate thinking there are clips out there of me at my lowest and really there's very little you can do. Is he triggering the arguments beforehand but only videoing your 'reaction'? This is typically abusive behaviour. Be very careful indeed because it is likely to escalate. I wouldn't respond in kind for this reason. You have to learn not to engage at all. If he comes in a room, you walk out for example. Don't react to anything and try to keep comms via email (which should always be completely emotionless - just observing facts). My solicitor advised that you have to imagine all comms as if they are an evaluation of you if a third party was looking at them. It's been the best advice I've had. It's so v hard to do all this when you live under the same roof though and are constantly being provoked. You are right though - it leaves you in no doubt that you have to separate. Keep a record of things for you to remind yourself how you are being treated - nostalgia and history can trick you into minimising it. Stay strong.

DianaT1969 · 25/02/2021 01:26

I would suggest you don't engage with him going forwards. Grey rock.

blackcurrantjam · 25/02/2021 09:17

OctoberCarrot yes when they behave so disgracefully it's easier. Although still very sad. I took the line of I'm not going to video you as it's the act of videoing that is wrong, particularly if he was baiting me and then videoing. It's abusive or at best extremely dodgy. It's the whole - him be a twat, I got upset, he called me crazy, classic dynamic. But you have to not lean into it. I actually filed a police report. I doubt I'll need to use it but it did make me feel better. Later he threatened to move back in which I felt was simply controlling so I filed another police report and they contacted me and said if he turns up, call us and we will come and help you. So filing the police report was helpful as they could see there was some history, a pattern. Anyway, after all that I hope we are nearly done now. You really have to be strong and ultra well behaved for the whole process. Self care. You'll get there ☺️

Original poster

OctoberCarrot · 25/02/2021 09:42

Thanks I can see now how it is a never ending cycle and we are not getting anywhere. I read another thread about regretting separation but honestly at this stage I regret staying so long mind you my children are a little bit older and I am more financially secure so that is all good.

He is storing up stuff for I don't know what.

OP posts:

blackcurrantjam · 25/02/2021 09:47

It's a scary feeling when they've 'got stuff on you' but honestly they might not ever use it and I think it's worse to do the videoing than be videoed iyswim. If it ever got to court, which would probably be a long way off anyway, judges don't really care about 'bad behaviour' like arguing and wotnot. Just be cool from now on and he won't have much to use.

Yes change it up and get the process going in the most mature and protocolish way you can iyswim!

Twillow · 25/02/2021 09:56

Bear in mind, if he thinks he is doing it to 'get evidence', in a divorce the reasons given have absolutely zero influence on the outcome, including financial outcome. Even domestic abuse. As my solicitor said, examples of unreasonable behaviour in grounds for divorce could be as trivial as 'does not make me a cup of tea when I get home'.
You could equally well cite 'records me when we argue' as an example of unreasonable behaviour!

superwoman232 · 25/02/2021 11:53

Mine does this. I started doing it to him too and suggest you do the same. You need to protect yourself.

NativityDreaming · 25/02/2021 12:02

This happened to me when I was leaving my abusive ex. My lawyer suggested that I don’t retaliate, that the courts took a dim view to intimidating behaviour such as he was doing.

She had me document everything. I was to let him know I felt intimidated by his behaviour, ask him to stop, and disengage from any further interaction unless he stopped.

By the time I was able to move out, it was a month’s time, I had a full book of notes on his behaviour.

AmandaHoldensLips · 25/02/2021 12:07

Do not rise to it. Do not engage with it. It's a stupid childish control tactic, where he winds you up while knowing he is going to film you, so he can look calm and reasonable while you look like a banshee.

He's an arsehole.

Please look up Grey Rock Technique, detach from him emotionally, avoid him like a bad smell. And divorce his sorry arse.

MsMarch · 25/02/2021 12:23

I would agree with PP that the best thing to do is to refuse to engage with him while he's recording you.

Having said that, for years, BIL had claimed to be abused by his gf etc. We all, of course, believed him and hated her. They eventually broke up. Then he made all these claims about his DC's behaviour which somehow just didn't quite ring true for us. So eventually, he sent us videos that he'd taken of arguments..... boy did it backfire on him. The videos just demonstrated how absolutely crazy and awful HE was being.

Obviously, there's no way to know whether it would be similar in your situation, but frankly, I wouldn't be surprised. I'm constantly amazed in both RL and on here how often men are saying and doing things that any rational person knows is crazy.

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