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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

I want my ex to have kids more. How?

11 replies

AreTurnipsReal · 21/02/2021 10:34

Hi everyone,

I was wondering if I could have any advice or suggestions or experiences. I want my ex to have the children more than he currently does. At the moment it is every other weekend.

He says he cannot have them more because he works and usually they have school of course.
Upon our separation 5 years ago he moved an hour away by choice to a different city. He got another woman pregnant within 6 months I believe so now has a job and a child there.

Is there Anything I can do??? I want him to have them more to share the parenting better basically. Also, over covid my work and mental health has taken a Severe hit so I am at breaking point.

I have no family so have no break. Work full time usually. What can I do ??? They are 9 and 11.

Thank you.

OP posts:

HosannainExcelSheets · 21/02/2021 11:13

Be careful what you wish for. My ex has the DC EOW and one evening a week. Getting them back on track is hard work if they stay with him any more than that. They are out of routine, behind on school work, over tired and full of sugar when they come back to me.

So, stretched as I am it would be harder work if the DC went to my ex more often.

Also, there's f*ck all you can do. But the grass isn't greener.

Do you ever just give yourself a break by letting the DC game or watch TV all day, then eat pizza from the freezer for dinner. That's my go to when I need a break.

Original poster

AreTurnipsReal · 21/02/2021 11:55

Thanks Hosanna. I appreciate your experiences. Perhaps you are right. I find it quite difficult to parent alone and I cannot juggle my mental health and work and studying and raising kids well by myself.

I do just get on with it of course and have managed for 5 years but this year has been awful (as it has been for everyone).

I feel it is a bit unjust ... I guess life is not fear. I am trying to find a solution. I need to stop thinking I can rely on him.

OP posts:

PicaK · 21/02/2021 13:21

Are they in school?
If not can you ring HT tell them you're at breaking point and ask for help for your vulnerable children?

Original poster

AreTurnipsReal · 21/02/2021 14:09

No. I tried that when I was at breaking point last year (summer lockdown) but they said no.

OP posts:

dotdotdotdash · 21/02/2021 17:47

What about school holidays @AreTurnipsReal? Do they stay with him over Easter and the summer? Can you negotiate this? It helps your MH to have a break to look forward to. Also we should have news about schools going back tomorrow - light at the end of the tunnel and all that. Tell your manager at work if they are sympathetic and ask for reduced hours. And yes, it's totally not fair on you, but if he was irresponsible before, he's unlikely to change and you'll upset yourself more wishing things were different. I admire single parents like you so much for everything you do

FelicityPike · 21/02/2021 17:48

Sadly you can’t make him have them more than he wants to.
Sorry.

Original poster

AreTurnipsReal · 22/02/2021 18:22

Thank you @dotdotdotdash for taking the time to write something supportive, practical and kind. . Everyone is finding things very hard at the moment, I know. I guess I will have to accept this is the scenario. I have just had to go off sick as I was at breaking point. Once covid is over I will be able to manage better.

It is really galling how some men can get away with this and decide to act like this isnt it. Feminist revolution is still needed.

OP posts:

Original poster

AreTurnipsReal · 22/02/2021 18:23

Thanks to @FelicityPike too.

OP posts:

FelicityPike · 22/02/2021 18:28

It is absolutely shite.

AdaFuckingShelby · 22/02/2021 18:29

Yes unfortunately it's not fair. My experience is similar, exH has them one evening in the week as well. But it's all on his terms and it's like he's doing me a favour. Can you get him to have them a little more in the school holidays? That might help a bit. If it's,any consolation it gets easier as they get a bit older. Mine are 11 & 13 now and not nearly so full on in terms of meal prep (They make their own lunch), being able to go out and leave them for an hour or two, etc.

dotdotdotdash · 24/02/2021 09:17

I agree with @AdaFuckingShelby - it does get a bit easier as they get older - mine are 10 and 12. They have a lot of pent up energy at the moment too due to less physical exercise, so loads of wrestling going on!

Kids need their dads too, and it is depressing when they give such minimal input. Shared care should be much more the norm than it is now. Keep saying it to them (in the nicest possible way) and take it to mediation to renegotiate.

Lots of us are at the end of our rope though coping with home schooling, loss of income, social isolation though (women being disproportionately affected). Better times are coming.

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