Friends during separation

[Sugaspunsister]

I've never been one to compare myself to others, but I'm at the starting point of separation from DH and I'm struggling with a particular friend.

She's there to chat now and then and it can be helpful, but (and this could be in my head) before we part ways, she seems to have to get in as many brags as possible. I hear about her plans for her and DHs anniversary, how many fancy holidays they've booked next year, their brand new extension and I always cry after seeing her and leave feeling very inadequate. I don't even think she's aware that she's doing it. I see other friends in healthy marriages and don't feel the inadequacy I feel after seeing her. She seems to portray this chocolate box life where every life event is planned out for the next 10 years and financially prepared for.

My life is so uncertain, I can't make big future plans as such yet as what I'm dealing with feels so big and every penny I have is needed to start a new life as a single parent in a smaller house. It feels like "this is what you could have had" each time I see her. It may not even be her but more because we married during the same year, had kids around the same time and now our lives are progressing so much differently.

Although, she is definitely a bit of a show off.

I don't have much support around me right now due to the covid situation bit I'm starting to wonder whether I should distance myself a little. Or is this my problem? Has anyone else struggled to be around those who seemingly have it all whilst going through a separation and divorce?

It sounds as though she has a complete lack of self awareness. I'd hope she's not being deliberately unkind. How do you respond when she says these things? Perhaps a few "That sounds lovely, I don't think xxx will be on the cards for me for a while" might make her realise the insensitivity of her words?
I separated in Feb last year and STBXH and I are still living in same house while divorcing (it's all fine). I've had a couple of v supportive friends but I still haven't told a lot of them. It's not really the kind of thing to drop into a WhatsApp message 😬

Maybe keep a distance from this friend for a bit and if you do see them, mentally prepare yourself for the bit you know is coming.

It could be lack of tact/awareness, possibly insecurity in her relationship?

I've found that as the only couple breaking up, I get a lot of information about everyone's relationships - unsolicited!

Yes I'm also yet to tell a few friends @parched and have only done so if it has been appropriate. It must have seemed appropriate for me to tell her a while back when we were probably sharing woes about our DHs. Hope you are ok managing in one household.

She doesn't share as many woes as she used to so guessing she must be happier in her marriage. She always begins the meet up by asking about me, so I divulge, but then I think I've made myself vulnerable. I think she plans conversations out before we meet, they always feel very controlled by her with her always focusing on what I have to say first, before taking over the conversation entirely with what is going well for her. In her mind she's ticked the box of "listen to what the other person has to say" so moves on to all her and her children's financial and personal achievements. She rarely shares the negatives. She is very competitive, I've seen her do it with other mums. She once told me that she taught her son all about a topic she knew another mum and child was interested in and then got her child to "show" what he knew about said topic when they saw them at a party. I asked her why and she said it was because she found the other mums quite pompous.

Part of me wonders if maybe shes felt envious of me in the past and so now sees it as her chance to show that she's doing better than me. Again, could all be in my head. The separation is doing all kinds of odd things to my thinking.

Listen to your gut. I think she sounds v unkind and clearly lacks empathy. I’d give her a wide berth for a while and focus on your own plans and dreams. You’ll get there with supportive friends - she’s not one of those.