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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Coping with the resentment

13 replies

Anonymouseky · 19/02/2021 22:38

I’ve recently separated from my husband. We’ve been together over a decade. It’s always been a difficult relationship and too much hard work. I should have trusted my gut instincts but never did. I stuck with it, we got married, have two beautiful children and I’ve sacrificed so much for him over the years. He’s never appreciated any of the sacrifices I’ve made and doesn’t seem to appreciate how lucky he is to have two children. His negativity has been draining and he’s taken a lot of fun out of my life. A lot of the happiest events in my life have been marred by his negative miserable attitude. Our relationship has ended because of him getting physical with me, which I reported to the police. It was a low level incident but has now been recorded on mine and the children’s health records and their school records. It’s a reminder of the negativity and misery he has brought to my life. Unfortunately I will never truly escape him as we have to maintain contact for the children. We are amicable but I’m feeling resentful over the fact that I’ve given over a decade to a man who didn’t deserve 10 minutes of my time. I’ve lost career opportunities, missed out on spending time with friends and family, cried so many tears, everything has been a battle. He was never excited about our wedding or our children being born. I try and look at the positives to have come out of the relationship (like my wonderful children), but I still feel so resentful. Does this feeling pass? How do I stop feeling like this?

OP posts:
HosannainExcelSheets · 20/02/2021 08:34

Don't lose another decade being resentful. You need to cut him out of your thoughts or he will live on, sucking joy out of your life forever.

I've found that doing things my ex would never have supported has helped. And dating (pre-pandemic) in a meaningless but fun way. Trying new experience, doing different things with the kids that I wouldn't have done before.

Counseling will help, even if you just do online or free resources. You need to make your life about you. It's hard after years of putting someone else first for so long. But you can do it.

HopelesslyOptimistic · 20/02/2021 09:02

Your radiance when you talk about your children just shines. Keep shining and just think how lucky you now are to be free from this half empty glass. His life will continue to be filled with misery & try and remember to keep your glass half full. Do all those things that make you happy. It may just be simple things like painting your nails, cranking up the music and breaking out into song. Good luck and keep smiling.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 20/02/2021 09:07

I know it's a bit trite, but I think time heals this stuff. I felt like a bit like this for a while. A few years down the line I am just happy he's off my hands, I just maintain civility for the occasions we need to be in the same room for adult DD. I managed her graduation about a year ago, and I regarded it as a success that I managed to be pleasant. I think you will too. Good luck. Flowers

ScoobyBlues · 20/02/2021 09:40

I think it will pass. It's all still very new at the moment.

Also, I think it's quite normal for people to look at their lives and wish they had some things differently. Mothers who stayed at home wonder if they should have gone back to,work and think about what career and income they could have had and those who went back to work worry that they missed seeing their dc growing up. People think about if they had just bought that house or taken that opportunity how things could have been different.

Snowymcsnowsony · 20/02/2021 09:45

Now you get to enjoy your dc without his misery over your shoulder.

PurpleMustang · 20/02/2021 10:00

I know you are 'stuck' in thinking you wasted 10 years but you need to look on the positives of this. You have your children. You got out. You got out when he started to get physical. You did not stay and your children have not had a whole childhood witnessing him being physical and thinking that is normal and risk them carrying that on in their lives. And you should be celebrating that you did not waste another 10 years with him and thus their whole childhood. You now have the time and space from him to do all the things you want to do. Write a list a bit like pros and cons. What you couldn't do before due to him, what you now can do and do them. I was wrong to stay with my partner thinking it was better to have a two parent stable childhood. (He wasn't physical but a cheat). Now my youngest is 12 and oldest 15 and feel like I can't make up for all the things I didn't do in their childhood because of him (miserable, anti social and anti fun). And that they have been cheated of a better childhood because of it.

dontdisturbmenow · 20/02/2021 10:04

OP, you are doing exactly what you accuse him if being negative about your life.

Turn it around and see that it is just part of your history and one that has given you the children you couldn't live without.

This wasn't a waste if 10 years, it was the time that allowed you to have them and that's priceless.

Now is the time for a new chapter.

PurpleMustang · 20/02/2021 10:04

Oh and I wasted 25 years, so really should of known better before having kids and gone with my gut and not trusted him. There was red flags but I was too in love and wanted it to work. Thought things would be better with kids. Too damn naive.

BuddhaAtSea · 20/02/2021 10:11

By still feeling anything towards him, you’re allowing him to continue to control you.

Make peace within yourself. And take comfort in the fact that you’re not alone and we’re supporting you from afar.

PicaK · 20/02/2021 19:54

Every loss needs to be grieved.
You've lost 10 years in some ways.
Don't fall into trap of thinking wonderfully kids cancels out miserable marriage cos that just leaves you at 0 and that's no life.
Counselling will help you through that grief faster and with greater positivity than you could manage on your own. Fill that hole in. Live at the high level of the blessing that your kids are.

HoegaardenHappiness · 20/02/2021 19:59

Why did you stay with him, sounds like he was a nightmare. The reasons you stayed are probably the same reasons that you punishing yourself now. How is your relationship with your parents?

Maybe try freedom program or therapy/ self help.

You escaped and have shown a great example to your children, he is a sad, miserable loser. You are not!

BrilliantBetty · 20/02/2021 20:09

You have done really really well to make this break now, just think you could still be with him, still enduring his misery, and wasting time.

But you are free, you've done it! You've made a huge change for the better and opened up a world of possibilities for yourself - hold on to that

Anonymouseky · 21/02/2021 00:25

Thank you all so much. I could kick myself for staying for so long I really could. I thought about leaving so many times but I just felt like I didn’t have the energy as he was just so draining at times if that makes sense. My parents were a great example to me and I’ve honestly got no idea how I ended up sticking in such an unhappy relationship so long when my own parents’ relationship was so different. You’ve all given some great advice. I am really looking forward to finding my old self again. I can wear what I want now and have my hair how I want without him making me feel bad about it. It’s the little things like that that I’m most looking forward to

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