So selfish. How did I live with it so long?

[PicaK]

Having a bad day.

Really coming home to me how monstrously selfish my ex was. I think I excused it all through the marriage - his way or the highway on things he cared about.

Does anyone else just want to slap themselves for putting up with stuff for so long? I know I should just shake it off now but I feel floored.

@PicaK totally feel the same way! My husband was the same through our marriage and I spent years bending to his will and doing what pleased him. Now he's shown his true colours during divorce and he was actually even worse than I thought. I regret I've wasted my best years on him and letting someone who thinks so little of me treat me unfairly. But hey, at least I now see him as he really is and I really have the guts to stand up to him now! He found that very hard to deal with at first and I was accused of mental illness, just because I stood up for myself!

Stay strong and we have many happy years ahead of us.

I am in the same boat. I was generally a happily married sahm and quite happy to put the needs of dc and stbexh first so there generally wasn’t much conflict. Now we’re separated (he left and has invented a whole narrative about how awful I was from the beginning) I can see it.

Even in the last week I had a food delivery cancelled and no bins collected because of snow. Ex announced he’d be late picking one child up (other doesn’t want to know him) because he needed to go to the supermarket. When I asked if he could buy us fresh food and take some of our rubbish to his communal flat bins he went onto the local authority website and texted that I could go to the dump ‘on tursday’. He wouldn’t pick up a loaf of bread for his children - he claimed he didn’t know what food they eat.

Meanwhile I have a boyfriend who - without asking -turned up with fresh bread and milk and other stuff.

I am beginning to feel that the only reason relationships between men and women have functioned at all is because largely women were prepared to defer to men
Going forward women have much less use for men and no longer feel inclined to subordinate themselves
many men are only happy because they get to have everything their own way.... or so it seems

Mine never stopped working, I felt lonely for years, 24 bloody years, now I have an amazing partner who adores me, I feel really sad that I waited so long to leave

Oh you've made me teary. It is good others feel the same. I too started standing up, had a go about stuff... And a anonymous report to social services was made about my erratic behaviour.
I hate the fact that some of the good times/memories get clouded with this shit.

Yes I can relate

I am beginning to feel that the only reason relationships between men and women have functioned at all is because largely women were prepared to defer to men

Yes. I think men find having a woman in their lives quite useful. I'm not sure men want to live with them in a mutully beneficial relationship.

@PicaK yep, I've had the old "reported to SS for being a crap parent" scenario. What annoys me is not that my ex did it (that was standard shitty behaviour from him and I expected nothing less) but that SS took it seriously.

I think a lot of it was habit. Mine slipped into alcohol addiction over a period of about 4-5 years. Then I spent a couple of years in denial and not wanting to 'break up the family'. With hindsight I should have acted 2 years earlier than I actually did. After he moved out (police involvement, it got bad), I watched DDs start laughing again, playing again, being loud and funny again because they didn't have to walk on eggshells. The first time I heard DD2 singing in the shower, I almost cried.

I'm planning on staying single.

Oh I cannot believe I was so blind and stupid. I am so angry with myself for making excuses to myself and others for him. Even now he ignores me when suits but wants the divorce on his terms. It is easier said than done to not waste time thinking about it.

I feel a little sad about this too; nearly 20 years wasted on a man who appears great on the surface - chatty, friendly, affable "Mr Nice Guy". Well, for the first 2 years of the relationship, until I had moved in, away from family & friends. I didn't see the red flags, my boundaries were crap. With hindsight, he targeted me & I didn't protect myself enough.

Then the shittiness began & the mask began to slip. The real person underneath was incredibly selfish, prioritised their career & hobbies over family life, did sod all round the house.

He hadn't been honest about his mental health issues, couldn't hold down a job & was disengaged, angry & we walked on eggshells.

We had 2 young kids I was working part-time, juggling the house & trying to hold it all together. As woman we are socialised to sacrifice ourselves & "fix it".

Eventually I had enough.

He has been far worse than I could ever have anticipated. He's another one who made false allegations about me (I self-reported to protect myself as am a HCP). He called the police on me & threatened legal action when I went to stay with my parents with the DC. Refused the sell the house. Forced me to live with him for 18m afterwards and subjected us all to hell.

There's a few things that have helped me: counselling, the Lundy Bancroft book, and "Psychopath Free" - the latter of which details toxic behaviour.

I'm still battling to get the house sold, to be ultimately free of him (well, as much as you can do with 2 children). I want to reclaim my life & be happy without him hindering it.

You never really see how bad it is when you’re on the inside, plus you want it to work.
Don’t beat yourself up about it, you made the break 💐

Never mind selfish, most of these men are downright abusive. I feel lucky that my husband is ‘just’ selfish and glad that you ladies are out of it / getting out of it.

I think lockdown has really reinforced the feminist in me because so many men have done so little of the childcare / education even when they are working from home. My ex has two hours less travelling time a day, that’s ten hours a week, but actually stopped seeing dc one evening a week because he claimed he wasn’t legally allowed in my house. He’ll be playing videogames with his extra ten hours.

@ProseccoThyme are you battling to get the house sold through court? Mine doesn't want to sell either. He wants to rent it out and for us both to live in rentals 😂🤣. I refuse to rent and want my equity

I'm thinking about it; going to get house valued next week & go from there. Property prices here are very strong & houses sell for well over their valuation - I'd be far better off selling.

But at the same time I want out!!!