Divorce: Are we doing the right thing?

[Mocoboco]

Me and my partner are on the path to divorce, in that we've basically agreed that the relationship is over and that we will separate. The reason being that it's just not working any more in terms of a loving relationship - we're both very fond of each other and get on well as friends/housemates/parents but don't have that spark of attraction any more, having sex felt like more of an obligation that felt stressful if we didn't do it than something we desperately wanted to do.

We have a 2 year old daughter, which obviously makes things more complicated.

I wanted to check other peoples' experiences in this area. We definitely don't want to stay together just "for the kids" - 16 years is a long time to do that! But I still can't be sure that we're doing the right thing in terms of essentially giving up on us. We did try really hard for a year though, had relationship counselling for a few months, which helped at the time but it was just too exhausting to continue.

If we were childless I definitely think it'd be the right thing to split up, no question. I just worry what it'll be like both for our daughter and for us for the rest of our lives when we do separate...

What's anyone else's experience?

Best,
M

If the feeling is gone and you just can't get it back, you need to leave the marriage. Those feelings don't return in my experience. And my partner and I stayed together until the children were 17 and 19 and I can honestly say the last eight years were really horrible. You end up not liking each other, it isn't worth it, it doesn't help the children, they pick up on the vibes, I firmly believe it does them harm. Do what you know is right in your heart. I would advise that you copy all bank statements first and have a conversation about splitting assets as that's when it can get nasty and monies can disappear.

It's your life - I'd hate to tell you what to do. The only thing I'd suggest you consider is how tired you are. Notice your daughter is just 2. They are bloody hard work at that age. It's just a few more years before school and them getting in the car on their own and it suddenly seems to get easier and some of the exhaustion/not wanting sex can lift.
Also. The companionship marriage as friends - is pretty much how most people's marriages are. There are a few get-a-room parents I know but that's pretty much how the rest seem. For me it was suffocating but at times I really miss that too.
The kids - you parent them.you make it as easy for them as possible.you put them first. They'll be fine.

The companionship marriage as friends - is pretty much how most people's marriages are. There are a few get-a-room parents I know but that's pretty much how the rest seem.

This. You really do need to think if the grass will be greener on the other side. Do you really want to be swinging from the chandeliers or at your age would a solid coparenting partnership work even if it’s not exciting? I’d be scared of ending up in a situation that is no better but you are both just poorer for it.

@adventurealice

The companionship marriage as friends - is pretty much how most people's marriages are. There are a few get-a-room parents I know but that's pretty much how the rest seem.

This. You really do need to think if the grass will be greener on the other side. Do you really want to be swinging from the chandeliers or at your age would a solid coparenting partnership work even if it’s not exciting? I’d be scared of ending up in a situation that is no better but you are both just poorer for it.

Thanks for your thoughts! Ah yes I didn't say our ages - I'm 33 and she's 31, only slightly older than average age of first marriage anyway to be honest haha. Your "at your age" comment makes us sound ancient! I think another 16 years (until toddler is 18) or 60 years (until death) of not being in a really loving relationship doesn't sound great... we're definitely young enough that the situation could be meaningfully improved for a very long time...

@PicaK

It's your life - I'd hate to tell you what to do. The only thing I'd suggest you consider is how tired you are. Notice your daughter is just 2. They are bloody hard work at that age. It's just a few more years before school and them getting in the car on their own and it suddenly seems to get easier and some of the exhaustion/not wanting sex can lift. Also. The companionship marriage as friends - is pretty much how most people's marriages are. There are a few get-a-room parents I know but that's pretty much how the rest seem. For me it was suffocating but at times I really miss that too. The kids - you parent them.you make it as easy for them as possible.you put them first. They'll be fine.

Thanks for your thoughts! Yes she is hard work haha. But unfortunately it's not so much that we don't want sex, it's more that we don't want sex with each other, if that makes sense... That's definitely what's missing and I'm pretty sure that is irreparable at this point, after trying a lot... But i'm not 110% sure on it!

Why don’t you have a trial separation and see how it goes ?
Your 2 year old is young enough to adapt , and won’t remember you being together.

@DinosaurDiana

Why don’t you have a trial separation and see how it goes ? Your 2 year old is young enough to adapt , and won’t remember you being together.

Yes that probably makes sense. In that we will seek to start "uncoupling" our lives and live separately, while sharing our daughter, perhaps before we initiate divorce proceedings... I don't think there'll be too much in the way of disagreement about how to sort things out financially etc. so no need to get the courts to force anything at this stage...

It's a funny moment isn't it when suddenly Gwynneth Paltrow and Chris Martin's "consciously uncoupling" statement suddenly seems to make a lot of sense and be something to be proud of?