Financial Mediation - is this fair?

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Hi, would love your opinions here to ensure I’m being ‘fair’ whilst looking out for my children. It’s a bit long, sorry!

We have joint financial mediation this Friday! We have been separated for coming up 2 years and I have filed for divorce. We are still living in the same house with two teens aged 13 and 15. Once we come to an agreement, the house will go straight on the market.

I’m fully aware that when money and assets are involved, people change. My only thought is mine and my children’s future, I’m not trying to be nasty or get the upper hand, I really only want to be peaceful and fair. I’m mid 40s, STBXH is mid 50s.

I sold my London flat and put the whole deposit on our current home which we’ve lived in for over 15 years. When I had the kids, I went back to work part time so I could also raise them without outside help. In that time, STBXH left his job (with my full support as I was still bringing in a wage) and he went self employed. His business is doing brilliantly and I’m sure he earns six figures but has made a comment that he is on £60k (he said ‘on paper’). He has a brilliant pension and several thriving investments. I have a decent work pension myself, nowhere as good as his though. I don’t have any investments as my money goes towards the kids, day to day living and house bills. I probably earn 1/3 of what he earns judging by his purchases, lavish holidays (pre-Covid) and ‘bragging’ while trying to impress. Really not impressive, off putting in fact. But I have no hard proof.

He is saying that he paid all of the mortgage on our home when I went part time so he believes the house should be split 50/50 despite me having the kids with me full time and trying to find somewhere not too far from our current location. He also forgets I put down a huge deposit on our house and got him on the property ladder when he had nothing. I know his suggestion of 50:50 is massively unreasonable as he has somewhere to stay for free whilst he finds a much smaller place to buy, probably in cash as he doesn’t need to be in London as his kids have expressed they’d like to spend time with him every other weekend.

So my question is this. Would it be reasonable to request 70% of the profit of our home if I don’t touch his investments and pension? He will of course be paying maintenance for his kids. Teens are so expensive!!!! I do think that once I’ve a stable home used from a large deposit, it means I can comfortably pay my bills and have some extra funds to invest and secure my own future.

Does this seem fair to you at all? Would really like to hear your opinions. Or if you’ve been through similar, what was the outcome? Thank you so much.

Just to add I will still need to get a mortgage if the 70% share is agreed but it would be a more manageable amount meaning I could possibly save too.

Posted in the wrong place. Have asked MN to move. Apologies.

I would never offer advice to a paying client off the cuff like this, and no family solicitor worth their salt would do likewise. I recommend that you book an appointment with a family solicitor. A free half hour might be available but personally they're worthless (they were when I used to offer them). I'd go for someone who does a fixed fee initial appointment.

We’re trying to work it out between us. I posted here to find out if my request seemed fair or unreasonable. I realise I’ve posted in the wrong place, not looking for legal advice just yet.

I understand you're just asking for initial impressions OP rather than advice on the specifics, but the trouble is that what's 'fair' is determined by the specifics, the context, your whole circumstances and you would really need to go into these fully with someone qualified and experienced to know if you are being fair, harsh or overly conciliatory, it could theoretically be any of the above! For instance you have obviously considered that you will need enough immediate cash to rehouse yourself and the children which is one of the factors a court would consider, but how much money you would need to do that varies massively depending on house prices within a reasonable distance of their school, and also how much is available in the pot to start with - so if the current family home is an enormous mortgage-free luxurious mansion in Mayfair then probably 50% of its value would buy a reasonable small 3 bed house within commuting distance. But if you already live in a tiny heavily mortgaged place then 70% of the equity might not be enough even with a maxed out mortgage (remember your borrowing capacity will likely be lower as an individual than a couple) - also you say he has investments and a 'better' pension than you but without knowing the values and specifics it's hard to say whether 70% of the equity his pension. Also, you are talking about the deposit you put into the house but I was under the impression (disclaimer = not a lawyer!) that in marriages of your length the starting point is a 50:50 split of assets, not trying to restore each party to their position pre-marriage as it might have been in a shorter marriage. That's not to say you can't mention it to your ex as a factor of course...

I totally understand and commend you for wanting to avoid court and sort it out amicably but basically I think you really should take legal advice before the mediation - the solicitor doesn't have to actually manage the communications with your ex if this would upset the apple cart, you could just have a quiet appointment to go through what the likely outcome would be should it go to court (including the costs of this). Then you will be able to put forward a proposal that not only 'feels fair' to you but also is grounded in reality - mediation is pretty useless if one or both parties then go off and take legal advice that tells them they've been totally financially screwed, who would then agree to that? You need to make decisions with the best possible information. There's then nothing to stop you giving him a little more (or indeed asking for a little more) than what you'd likely end up with if it went to court, it'll still likely result in a saving overall as avoiding legal fees.

You can still sort between yourself, but I would strongly recommend taking advice from a solicitor first. He doesn't need to know you have.

@maxelly gosh, thank you so much. What you said makes perfect sense! And you’re right, what I put into the house before we marriage actually doesn’t matter at all. It’s what we have built together. Thank you!

I did speak to 3 solicitors (30 mins consults) and they all said try mediation first. But it actually sounds like I should be paying for legal advice from a solicitor to gauge what might be fair and attainable.

Really great advice. And thank you @notanothernamechange766

@maxelly has given some really good advice.

Basically, who paid for what originally counts for very little. What each of you have now and need in the future is the basis for discussions. You can't start looking at what's reasonable before you know what there is to divide up.

I'd also be worried about his statements that he earns a certain amount "on paper".

You should look at getting advice, and you can start with web resources like wikivorce for example.

I read your post with the thought in the back of my head that your stbx is probably pressuring you to be amicable and avoid court because he thinks he can pull a fast one. Do be wary, and make sure you look after your interests.