My head is a mess

[nicdnanny]

Hi everyone, I’m new - will jump right in! 11 days ago I found crude messages from my husband to another woman he meet on a dating site. Judging by the messages he meet her once but nothing happened. I asked him to leave, which he did but now I’m struggling with what to do. We have a 5 year old who is always asking for his dad. He has seen him lots but it’s not the same.
I hate what he has done. We had this whole life planned and he just threw it away for a cheap thrill. He says the chatting on website is like an extension to watching porn, a more cheeky thrill but has never acted on it and meeting the OW made him realised how much he loves what he has and didn’t want to lose it. Our marriage isn’t the best but there is love there.
I don’t really know what I’m asking, I’m devastated for my son and me. Feels like we are now stuck. I work part time, have no clue how I will cope financially on my own.
He wants to work on things....but how can I ever trust him but at the same time I want to be able to look at my son in years to come and say I have it all I could. Oh I don’t know what to do. Sorry for the ramble. I need to get it out of my head. Thanks for reading x

If your best friend wrote the above to you what would you say? That might give you a steer as to what your gut is telling you.

It’s complicated and difficult but I do know that sometimes to be the best parents you can to your son means not continuing to be married

Possibly won't be a popular response but here goes.
Can you see a future with him still? Rather than end your marriage so quickly would you both be open to couples therapy?

thanks so much for your responses. @VanCleefArpels your right...what would I tell my best friend. Probably the same thing she is telling me. Don’t let him hurt you anymore but it’s your life and to do whatever will make you happy. I just wish I knew what that was! A crystal ball would be handy!

@Itsybitsydooda I’m finding it difficult to see a life without him at the moment but at the same time I don’t know if I can see him being the husband I need him to be. Maybe we should get some help, even if we don’t save out marriage it would be good to move forward with everything out in the open 🤯

I think some help is good even if you split. Being on amicable grounds is best for children too. You'll feel much better if you can talk to each other comfortably.

I'm in a rather awkward place with my oh atm. He's moved out, has mental health issues and doesn't know what he wants. I'm in limbo. Trying to figure out how I can help him, deal with long covid, home school, work from home and keep the house running. Its a lot.

Wow that is a lot. Keep going, your doing great! As if things weren’t hard enough....we are living through a pandemic.
Are you getting help? My husband is a nice guy (hard to believe) so I’m hopeful that if we do spilt we will be able to stay friendly. We haven’t really had a good chat about things. When we do I’ll suggest getting help. He’s not much of a talker about feeling etc so won’t hold out too much hope of him agreeing.
We just have to take each days as it come @Itsybitsydooda

@nicdnanny - I’ve been married over 20 years. One of the things that has enabled that is complete trust that DH has me as his only focus in a romantic/sexual way. Your husband signed up to a dating app. “Spoke” to one or more people. He was not thinking of you when he was doing that. Could you trust him not to do it again? Do you think that a marriage can survive without complete trust?

I know what your saying @VanCleefArpels and I totally agree. It’s just hard when these things happen and your trying to see anyway things might work but if I’m honest with myself I don’t see how it can. Unless I live a lie which I know can’t happen. I’m going to try and trust my gut, the fact that I checked on him in the first place (which I have never done) tells me that things aren’t right. Time will tell what my new life will be like. As long as we can stay civil for my sons sake, I will be happy, well I happy as I can be with all this going on.
I will suggest getting help, not to stay together but to get everything out in the open so we can both move forward without unanswered questions. Fun times ahead!

Go to counselling. If he's truly remorseful he's going to step back and be all too happy for you to take the lead.
We found Linda and Doug good to read for both parties.
Counselling will either help you heal and repair and go onto a stronger marriage or it will let you see with sadness and regret where things went wrong and both learn lessons for the future. And perhaps forge a new relationship as Co parents

Thanks @PicaK I will give them a read.

Feel for you OP. Echo Itsybitsy's advice. Xx
(Itsybitsy, I am in same position as you, have PM'd you).