How long to 'try' to be 'amicable' or do I just file the petition?

[bananamango]

Hello, I've posted on a couple of threads - last year when I was thinking of divorce, and over the past couple of weeks since I finally told STBXH that I wanted out. So sorry but this is another long one...

We are 'trying' to be amicable but he's struggling I know - he really wants to have a right go at me. My worries are a) I think he will try to hide assets and so b) I can't decide whether I should keep being amicable in the hope that we can figure it out on our own or just file the petition so that the official Form E might slightly scare him into thinking twice.

I'm getting different advice from two really trusted friends and I'm struggling to know which way to jump.

I'm the one who is instigating this, but he has known for a very long time that I'm not coping with his descent into mad conspiracy rabbit holes including QAnon and lots more. That doesn't stop him from blaming me for EVERYTHING and telling me I have a number of different psychological illnesses.

Anyway since I told him three weeks ago, we've maintained a fairly civil demeanour. We are living like slightly uncomfortable housemates. We have only had one conversation about next steps and that was fairly general - we would sell our house and aim to buy two smaller houses in the same-ish area. We would not talk to the children (3DSs - 17, 15, 12) until we had made more progress on the practical side and could tell them more with certainty about new living arrangements.

However, now that we are through the first really hard bit (it took me years to get the courage to tell him) I am desperate to move on.

I know we really need to discuss things in more detail - we have another house which we need to decide what to do with but he keeps saying he hasn't had time to think about it as he has had to do the tax and has a couple of work deadlines this week.

Plus we have other savings and investments and he has about 30 years of probably really decent pension built up - I have literally no idea about pensions. I have a little bit but not much. A small one from my job at home before I came to the UK, then a few years here and there from various jobs here but I spent nearly 15 years out of the workforce as a SAHM.

So there's quite a bit of financial stuff to sort out. He will think that it is all his as he brought all the money into the marriage and also he has always been fairly controlling, almost bullying and in arguments I get slightly flustered and hate arguing so he ends up winning.

So one of my friends says to stay patient and try to sort out the houses first and then deal with the other financial assets - savings investments etc. But the other friend says that every day I follow that strategy is another day where he can be trying to shift/hide assets as he has control over them and they are mostly in his name.

I'm so sorry this is so long but your advice / shared experiences would be so helpful. I'm feeling a bit lost and frozen and don't know which way to jump.

Thanks so much.

@twosmallbuttons it's good to hear that the courts are moving things along. I filed this week but I think mine will take longer as I absolutely expect him to tick the 'defend' box.

@bananamango I agonised over the wording too and ran it past my solicitor. I ended up with 6 paragraphs along the lines already mentioned, things like 'he won't socialise with me as a couple' and 'he expected me to bear all of the burden of housework' along with a couple of specific incidents where he made me feel uncomfortable.

I'm hoping it's enough for a judge if it ends up in court being defended

@twosmallbuttons thanks so much. Yes I'm leaning much more towards the bland route. The ones my solicitor has drafted are really hard hitting. My stupid mistake was to go straight to a solicitor before doing enough research myself. I probably could have done it DIY but I guess I was scared and needed to feel I was going to OK if started this ball rolling. Anyway he simply asked me to write up 5-6 reasons why I wanted out and I just told him straight up. Solicitor never said anything like - no need to be too aggressive, or I'll reframe them or anything like that. He just pretty much cut my paragraphs down and pasted them in to the petition. But I absolutely know that nut-job STBXH will go bananas if I leave them as they are. Will PM you a bit later. Got to go out and walk dog!

@Somefantasticplace as I said to @twosmallbuttons and @HosannainExcelSheets I'm actually a bit worried I might have made the wrong choice of solicitor. He is a grumpy old guy who I don't think has been great on advice so far. I keep reminding myself that he specialises in getting money out of reluctant EXHs so he should come into his own if STBXH tries to play games. I do remember him saying that in his 40 years of practise in this area he has only known two respondents to defend. He says that they will be very badly advised if a solicitor lets them do that.

Photocopy bank statements. Get the petition in ASAP. See a Solicitor. Now's the time to be business-like and firm.

Divorces are occasionally amicable, but they may start friendly but don't always end that way unfortunately. Protect yourself.

Just wanted to update that I have finalised the UB grounds with my solicitor and paid him the 550 court fee so petition should be filed tomorrow.

Thanks everyone for your advice. It's really helped.

Sadly there have been other horrendous developments in my situation but I am going to start a new thread as they don't relate to this thread.

@bananamango that's good to hear. Good luck.

File now because if it gets dragged out they usually only look back 12 months in terms of the finances so if you delayed for a year, say, you’ve given him time to hide things.

@bananamango
Just found this thread but I'd like to join your new one. I had a dreadful divorce with a passive aggressive man who moved the goal posts continuously.

Your story resonates for me. My divorce was started in 2013 and finalised 2016 (hopefully yours will be quicker!!!)

Things that jump out about your solicitor - appreciate his stoic nature. The explosive statements I reckon are a ploy by solicitors to earn more. Letters are deliberately explosive to cause a response (which costs £££). Get a handle on this angle but use his full force when needed financially.

Maybe message me your new thread? Your stbxh is very controlling underneath it all.

@pipsqueakbollock hi thanks for your msg and sorry I'd not replied. It's been a really difficult couple of weeks here - which is the stuff I might put on a new thread. I DEF hope mine is quicker than 3 years - what caused the delay?

I've gone ahead and filed, and did so with grounds that were fairly punchy as TBH it was hard to make them 'not punchy'. How do you make 'respondent is a QAnon believer' sound mild??!! He hasn't yet received the paperwork in the post - it should come any day. I have been trying to tell him about it for a week but he continually avoids me, says fiercely that he's really busy, or just leaves the house and only seems to come back when he knows the kids are around.

He's left for hours just now, looks like he's taken his mum to a hospital appointment, but I'm going to have to tell him when he gets back.

I'll DM you anyway.

@bananamango good for you, actually filing takes guts especially when you think you might get a bad reaction.

I wasn't told that the paperwork had arrived, I only found out when his solicitor told my solicitor so I got no reaction from him at all.

To my absolute shock, he decided not to defend after all. I've applied for the nisi, just waiting to hear from the court service.

@bananamango
Funnily enough for me, the filing was the easiest part of the journey.

After 18 years together, he had an affair. 8 years later when I read Mumsnet advice - they say quick strike hard when he's feeling guilty and this is true!

He obviously felt guilty. He said he wouldn't contest grounds for divorce under the adultery category. He did insist I didn't name her on the petition. Luckily 'her' was a thick as shit woman of traveller background so clearly being named was the worst thing like ever hun (I jest!) I'd opt for he doesn't meet my marital needs if I had to define reasons for divorce. Stupid law.

Anyway, it came back and bit him hard on the arse - my lawyer insisted he paid the full court cost £450 ish because it was admission to breakdown of marriage.

It was always going to go wrong but it went horribly wrong. 8 months later his mother died, leaving him around £200k. It changed the dynamics of the divorce.

He couldn't tell a straight story from there though, I must have done form E for money a dozen times due to his 'change' in circumstances. I'd get myself lined up, with a plan for affordability, work, childcare, life and he'd move the goal posts.

I went to court 3 times for my divorce ordered maintenance. Eventually I told a female judge that she had no concept of life as a single mother and if she wished to allow tears and tantrums (his) in court, I was done with the whole procedure.

Went to CMS. Another ridiculous story. Ongoing. 8 fucking years later.

It's really hard to divorce a narcissist. I don't have to co- parent with one because he's so good at it!! He's not allowed unless he takes me to court for access (3 years and holding)
My heart breaks for women that have to co-parent.

There's a strategy called grey rock. It's to ignore the bad behaviour.

I'd describe it as being the hardest person on earth which no fucker can penetrate no matter what shit they throw at you... you don't show it hurts but more importantly, you don't let it hurt.
it takes quite a long time to become that hard. Whilst you learn to become that hard and tough, you unsettle the pattern of your own normal. You have to change and people notice.

I've had a few red wines! I either make crystal clear sense or none at all