To everyone who has ever lived with a narcissist and an abuser: you are not crazy. You are not the problem. You are not an egoist. It’s not all in your head. You didn’t deserve it.
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He’s the nicest person in the room. Happy go lucky guy. Fun-loving, charming, funny. He can do no wrong. He wouldn’t hurt a fly. He’s a good friend, the colleague everyone loves to come to talk to. The colleague everyone loves to have a smoke and a coffee with. But behind closed doors he calls you a whore and a failure, belittles you, alienates you from from your friends, convinces you you’re worthless, makes fun of your shortcomings (even physical ones you can’t control). He invents an alternate reality until he’s told so many people his version he believes it himself. You’re evil. Crazy. Egotistical. A bitch. Swine. You’re always in the wrong. He only acted that way because you instigated it. He never apologizes. He gives you the silent treatment. You start to walk on eggshells around him. One wrong word sets him off. He hears what he wants to hear, he doesn’t hear what you’re saying. Then he threatens you. He will take your and your child’s passports and confiscate them. You will be stuck. He will stop the cleaner from coming - it’s your job to clean and this is your punishment for being bad. He will fire your childcare. You look after the child. It’s a woman’s job.
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He grabs you by the throat when you try to take away his weed. You call the police and then he reminds you of how you humiliated him. He punishes you. More threats. He shoves you into the shower, wipes the toilet seat with your clothes. He throws things at you. You deserve it because how dare you fight back. How dare you call the police.
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You file for divorce. He threatens you some more. To expose you, to ruin you, to get nasty. You’re tired of justifying yourself to everyone - they won’t understand. You’re emotionally exhausted. Exhausted by putting on a brave face at work. At home for your child. For your parents so they wouldn’t worry. There is only one person who truly knows him, who will not fall for his smear campaign while everyone looks at you like you’re the villain. The manipulation is hard to see, he’s always the nicest guy in the room, the life of the party.
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You are not alone. Remember this: only a strong man can handle a strong woman. A weak man will say she has an attitude.
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I see you. I am with you. I believe you.