50:50 - red flag for abuse?

[Beeth0ven]

Hi - I’ve been looking at threads here. I’m now divorced and have a 50:50 shared care agreement.

I think my ex is emotionally abusive and in many ways has escalated this since I left. But sometimes (often) I think it’s all in my head - or it’s my fault.

One thing that struck me on here is when a PP said that a dad asking for 50:50 when they have done no meaningful childcare prior to divorce. Ie I went to all school performances, took days off work for child illness, ex worked away for weeks at a time, had a “bad back” and so could not even be asked to help me with minimal jobs relating to the child eg getting him from his cot, never did night feeds...

Would you say that seems like he’s using 50:50 as a form of control (knowing the kids are the apple of my eye) or maybe the divorce was his “come to Jesus” moment?

I’m so confused

I don't think there's a one size fits all. Yes it can Def be a form of abuse because the dad knows it'll hurt the mum, hence the threat of I'll take the kids away, but some dad's do genuinely step up in a way they didn't before, some mums like it and kind of see it as a training opportunity for the dad lol, some kids like it, some kids put up with it for a bit but it's basically crap so they vote with their feet when they're older if the dad is still crap or a twat/arsehole. No one answer. If the dad knows it's affecting mum it can be worse as their just using the kids as weapons so best defence imo can be having the attitude sure have the kids 50/50 - you can be my babysitter, some dad's then get fed up with it lol, sort of reverse psychology. But yes, with some very nasty types I think they just use it to get at mum which is awful.

Can obviously be other way round with mum using kids as weapons but DV is disproportionately male on female so hence my phrasing

In my case it definitely was... as like you say, he couldn’t actually accommodate DD and was actually just asking for a family member to look after her instead of me. Obviously they didn’t achieve this luckily so I’d say yes! Depending on circumstances

Yes! Your balanced view is probably quite right. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn’t.