Living arrangements - how much weight given to kids preferences

[bananamango]

I posted back in August on a different thread when I was desperately trying to find the courage to tell coercive controlling conspiracist obsessed QAnon DH I wanted a divorce. Married 20 years - first ten he was a really heavy drinker and last ten he's been a lunatic right wing conspiracy theorist. Not to mention very controlling around everything especially money but also friends, socialising and even down to what we watch on TV.

I'm from abroad and he passively aggressively managed to create a situation where I went home to see my family twice in 15 years.

Anyway I finally did it two weeks ago. Took me 5 months but I've got there and I can't believe how much better I feel. First week was pretty bumpy but this past week has been ok.

we have had one conversation about 'the future' which was fairly general but cordial. We agreed that we wanted to 'play nicely' for the sake of our 3 DS, that in theory our plan was to set up new homes in same area but in the meantime cohabit in current home (I'm in spare room). We agreed that there is no huge rush to move as we want to keep things stable for the boys but that we should also keep things moving as we don't want to do this for any longer than necessary.

We have three boys 17, 15 and 12. 15yo has high functioning ASD and PDA. He is also drawn towards the right wing ideas of husband but I'm managing to keep him a bit more balanced. The eldest and youngest recognise dad has 'mad ideas' but don't agree with it. Ironically it's the ASD child who for a long time has't got on with his dad, and he has told me on many occasions to 'leave that twat'! The other two obviously care for their dad.

Re kids living arrangements I suspect he will go for 50:50 which I am not comfortable with - partly because of his weird ideas and partly because i don't think that's what would suit our boys - i think they'd rather spend most of their time in one home. how hard is it to fight that ie how nasty would i have to play. how much weight do their views on this carry.

Let's say we do start out with 50:50 my friends strongly think he is doing it to avoid paying CM and it won't last as he's never been great at caring for all three of them even for the odd day here and there. So if that happens is it possible to renegotiate CM later?

Re money we are fairly comfortable (tho he has always acted like we are close to broke) but obvs that now has to be split. We own two houses now and have agreed to sell the one we're currently in - moved to this area in 2017 - and will most likely sell the other one too. This will give us plenty to each buy a smaller house here and have quite a bit left over. But we have a couple of decent investments that are solely in his name and I am worried that he will try to hide those. I have evidence ie photos of statements and actual pictures of gold bullion bars (!) but I think I've read somewhere that legally any statements just addressed to him don't count as that's a breach of his privacy. Has anyone experienced this and were you able to prove them and have them added to list of assets?

Sorry this is so long and thanks for reading to the end if you've got this far! Any help advice hugely appreciated.

No idea about finances but I doubt a judge would make a court order given the ages of your dc.. At 12 my ds went nc with exh despite him having a court order... Worth paying for a shl to get you a decent settlement though..

At the age the children are their views will very much be taken into question. However the judge won’t rule on where they stay as part of the divorce this is separate. In terms of maintenance you could have an amount that you both agree on written into the consent order... however after 12 months , with 8 weeks notice given, either party can approach the CMS to rule on maintenance. This is an amount based on the NRp salary and amount of overnight stays.

The Court cannot make child arrangements orders that go beyond the child's 16th birthday (other than in exceptional cases) so the older two can pretty well vote with their feet. The 12 year old would have his views considered and they would be very influential.

You are not supposed to copy your H's documents, and a solicitor would not accept them from you, however, you probably have a great memory for account numbers. That will enable you to spot non disclosure and force him to come clean.

@MrsBertBibby thanks v much. I think I vaguely knew about the privacy rules surrounding copying his statements without his knowledge. He does know that I know about these investments as we have discussed them many times - just in general not in great detail but enough that I know what they are where they are and roughly how much they are worth. Also the statements for two of them were in an email account if his that was added to my phone in his presence as he is technologically useless and was having me help him sort out a problem with dual LinkedIn profiles.

Setting the statements aside tho as I said he knows that I know about them and possibly the biggest thing in my favour is that all three were funded originally finally by cash thru put joint account - ie that's where the cash started before he went and purchased the investments. So my solicitor - last summer when I first engaged him - said that if he was not honest about them we could employ a forensic accountant to prove the money used to be in our account and if it was proven then a) that would look really bad in court and b) DH would have to pay for the accountant. I believe they can be expensive.

I wouldn't pay for an accountant! Surely the bank statements show it.

Plus if you know the company you can ask that he signs an authority to disclose any assets esp assets with those a/c numbers. Easily done.

When I divorced - years ago - we just asked the children directly what they wanted. They were 12 and 15 at the time, and who they chose to live with was what they got....they are old enough to know their own minds.

@MrsBertBibby yes I could go eat back thru statements of our joint account but he controls it- has PWs etc and I don't. That was part of the problem. He is obsessively tight - like completely irrationally as we have what but most people's reckoning would be a lot of money. But he always carried in like he was in pain whenever money went out. I wan not by any measure a spender - never bought much clothes shoes handbags as I was a SAHM. So in the end I so couldn't bear his carry on - it made me so nervous when I simply paid eg the water bill - I handed control back to him. Then I went back to work and never really changed things.

Got to point I was scared to ask for PWs as another of his strategies was to always be suspicious which naturally made me feel guilty as I was contemplating leaving for a long time and I was petrified he'd guess.

But now I've told him I guess I'm not do worries so should ask for PWs or at least reset mine.

Re the companies do you Jean I would have to ask him to sign something? Can't see him agreeing until that! But we haven't actually had detailed convo re money yet so he might surprise me and say we split the investments. I suspect he'll have st least one go at bullying me into accepting less as he will (correctly) point out that he brought all the money into the marriage. But that was 20 years and three kids ago...

@WanderingMilly thanks. Yes occasionally I wonder if I am over-worrying the situation re kids and they will actually be much calmer about thinking through their options and communicating their prefs than we think.

@MrsBertBibby my fat fingered phone typos - sorry!! Hope you can decipher.

Even If they are joint accounts, you should have separate online log in details. You can call the banks and set up your own username and password.