Parental Alienation

[Nicknamegoeshere]

Anybody an expert on this or can recommend anyone who is?

I don't know how much more I can take. My divorce was 7 years ago ffs.

Sorry to hear that.

Do you have a specific question about it, or something in particular that you need advice on?

@DecorativeParticle Thank you for replying. It's very complicated but I basically made the very foolish decision years ago of leaving my abusive, narcissistic and wealthy ex-husband.
He took me to court and was awarded 50/50 shared care (2014).
He is now severely alienating the children (10 and 13) and taking me to court yet again for further custody.
I have just been told by my eldest (with ASD) that I'm an "F'ing c*, to f off, and that he never wants to see a lying bitch like me again." 10 year-old again witnessing this.
Don't know what to do.
Solicitors are wanting mediation.

Gosh, how awful for you.

Mediation is strongly advised against, in situations of emotional abuse and manipulation.

I'd suggest you speak with your local Domestic Abuse service - if you can't find their details online then your local Citizens' Advice might be able to point you in the right direction.

The DA folks should have plenty of good advice about how to deal with the various aspects of your situation.

Also have you done the Freedom Programme? Also available in your local area (although will be run virtually at present).

And if you haven't read Lundy Bancroft yet, worth getting his books from Amazon. "Why does he do that? (Angry and controlling men)" is excellent. "Helping your children heal the wounds of witnessing abuse" might be even more relevant to your situation, although I haven't read it yet so can't vouch.

PS - not foolish! But I'm sure it must feel so tough.

@DecorativeParticle I've been told by my solicitor not to mention to the courts I've been referred for DV counselling?

My eldest is following me around the house being rude towards me currently so sorry about short reply. History is repeating itself.

I'm shutting myself in bedroom with my baby.

[quote Nicknamegoeshere]@DecorativeParticle I've been told by my solicitor not to mention to the courts I've been referred for DV counselling?[/quote]
What's their reasoning for that?

Sorry for what you're going through

They don't want to rely on it on court as you can't really "prove" coercive control / PA.

@Nicknamegoeshere

They don't want to rely on it on court as you can't really "prove" coercive control / PA.

I'm not sure that's a reason not to even mention it, though?

Have you contacted Rights of Women, or Women's Aid, or FLOWS? FLOWS in particular might be able to point you towards advice that's more tailored to an EA situation.

I should caveat that I'm behind you in this process, and am no expert, but I have had some excellent tips from my local DA service.

And hopefully others will be along soon who have more experience.

It’s difficult because women’s aid don’t believe in parental alienation - although it clearly happens
They can support you well with domestic abuse
Going to some classes on zoom about how to parent separately or how to cope with more difficult child behaviour can actually be really helpful in your situation

@RonaldMcDonald You can't co-parent with a narcissist. I am appalled that Women's Aid have failed to stand up to the perpetrators for so many women like myself in a perpetual cycle of abuse. By refusing to recognise PA they have fully minimised what myself and my children are faced to endure.
Imagine if I called them and said my ex had hit me. What do you think their response would be then? "Sorry we can't do anything about it because physical abuse doesn't exist." Of course not.

Hmm blimey. This sounds mega hard for you.
The Lundy Bancroft helping your child heal from witnessing abuse is good.
You need to boundary up with the ex
Also set/reset expectations with kids. Very very clear. 'that is unacceptable.'
Get some good therapy. Like, good therapy with someone good. Because deep down your children are unlikely to want to call you a lying bitch and deep down want their mother. You need to come at it from the angle of helping them find their way back to you. Really hard.

And I agree actually not to let the courts know you're having DV counselling. Makes you vulnerable. You need to be on top form and not remotely affected by this iyswim.

@blackcurrantjam Thank you. Some tough decisions to be made about whether I agree for my ex to have the kids more/full time.

That's a terrible decision to have to make. Highly recommend that Bancroft book 'when dad hurts mom' .. will help you think it through and make best decision. Highly knowledgeable about psych effects of alienation on children - identification with the aggressor - which is something your children might be doing, particularly the older one calling you hideous things - but it's not a good state for your child to be in and actually covers up hidden loss that he might be feeling about his relationship with you. Good Luck

www.amazon.co.uk/When-Dad-Hurts-Mom-Witnessing/dp/0425200310/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?hvlocphy=9045296&hvnetw=g&keywords=when+dad+hurts+mom&hvadid=259147887824&qid=1611938343&dchild=1&gclid=CjwKCAiAgc-ABhA7EiwAjev-j5Fckp6mKrsXAmFKaCVhQfe-E9VQuzofbEQr9YMd7d2OnvB8fJpd-xoCw1cQAvD_BwE&hydadcr=16905_1798529&hvdev=m&hvqmt=e&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=kwd-308442676245&adgrpid=54700004313&hvrand=3722077420760949399&sr=8-1

This one xx

@blackcurrantjam Thank you so much. I just can't bear the thought of things getting even worse.

@blackcurrantjam And thanks for the book recommendation - I've just ordered it

Nicknamegoeshere it must be truly awful :(
He does talk about it in the book, that mum will be tempted to give in so she can regroup as it were but also encourages mum to keep going. Marathon not a sprint. He is way more knowledgeable than me and the book has a great way of looking at it and in way more detail so good for you for ordering it. Seriously, in time, despite what's going on, your kids may well thank you for it 💞🍀

@blackcurrantjam Thank you. It may be that I have no choice in the end but I guess a judge has to decide that. I'll try to keep going as long as I am able. Financially it's crippled me, I'm tired of having to live in rented with no hope now of ever getting out x

:/ sounds exhausting, all of it. Bill Rogers, You Know The Fair Rule is good too. It's a teaching behaviour management book I know but some of the techniques are quite good for when they're swearing or being aggressive. There's one, description of reality: you're stabbing him with a compass ( or maybe - ''you're calling me a fucking c*", bold lol but can be effective) or - you're shouting. Sort of putting it back on them and they have to own it - you're angry, you're saying xxx' I mean did you actually lie about something? And other positive things like offering them take up time to follow an instruction, like can you lay the table and then walking off, apparently the walking off will assume they will do it?! It's literally like a technique.
Or maybe just going yeah go on then, go, knowing they'll be back? Would they actually want to not live with you at all? Are they trying to just shock you? 13 is nearly 14, teenagers can be awful :(. Anyway, good luck 🍀 I can relate a bit - I've potentially got this kind of thing to come .