Divorcing abusive narcissist - cohabit with DC 6 & 3

[Amazonmulu]

I'm trying to divorce my husband of 8 years. It's taken me a long time to get the courage as I feared his retribution, feared what it would do to the kids.

He didn't interact with either child till approx 2 years after birth. He worked, rode his motorbike, went on holidays with mates, went out drinking with friends often.

He knows that the one thing that matters to me in life is the kids. He is asking for 50:50, I want 70:30. He has never before shown an interest in them till now. At all.

Now that it's over between us he is trying to be super dad. His FB is just about how a great a dad he is. How much he loves them.

I suspect he wants them 50:50 so he doesn't have to pay maintenance. He has mentioned this indirectly.

I really just don't care about the money. I just want rid of him. I just want me and the kids to be free and safe.

We live together and it's hell. Especially because of lockdown. We can't agree on anything and after 2 sessions of mediation we are no closer to a compromise. Even if we agree something in the session he disagrees with what the mediator has captured in an email. And we start from scratch.

He sends me slyly abusive texts and says horrid hurtful things to my face when the kids are not listening. The kids don't want to be with him so he drags them crying and calling for me to the car to eg visit his parents (care bubble). It's heartbreaking but if I stop it it's parental alienation.

He is on tinder and has been since I asked for a divorce. He goes out on "walks" on his own - possibly meeting someone to shag.

I'm just broken and exhausted. Every thing is an argument. Who has which car that day, who has the kids which day, who tidies the lounge. Everything. I've tried not to respond. I've tried to engage. I've tried to cooperate. Nothing works.

Has anyone been in a situation like this? What can I do? How do I end this cycle of misery?

Everyone would be happier if we could just agree a compromise and start living under a separate roof.

I can't go on like this :(

Can you move out? I left with my 3 year old and went to my parents.

We did family therapy, it helped a bit but I still ended up with 50:50 (similar to you, no real interest in care until he realised what maintenance would cost).

You need a good solicitor who has your back and supports you to repeatedly say no- I had a rubbish one to start and that was my biggest error.

You will get through this - it’s so hard when you’re at the beginning but I promise you’ll get there and be happier for it x

I want to keep the family home (buy him out) so can't leave. And he is threatening parental alienation if I take the kids to live outside the family home. I asked him for a divorce in September. And everything has been falling apart from early on last year. It's just seems never ending.

He has told a mutual friend that his goal is simply to win, to beat me.

Oh, I really feel for you

I'm in practically the same situation- apart from having to live with him for 15 months now & it has really impacted on my health.

We're about to enter in to a minute of agreement & I'm going to suggest an arrangement of 1 night a week, EOW & 50% of school holidays, but that it's reviewed in a year, so that's the compromise between us.

He won't ever change, but you must change how you communicate with him otherwise it will make you ill. Go total grey rock. Make every sentence about what's best for the children and what they need. He will disagree just because, rant, call you every name going, manipulate, lie, cheat and be a complete arse: this is what narcissists do. He is a damaged manchild. Grey rock.

If 70-30 is what you think is best for your family, you tell your solicitor that, and get them to fight for it.

Start screenshotting and storing emails, if you haven't already. Sooner or later he'll give himself away.

@QuarkIsGreat

He won't ever change, but you must change how you communicate with him otherwise it will make you ill. Go total grey rock. Make every sentence about what's best for the children and what they need. He will disagree just because, rant, call you every name going, manipulate, lie, cheat and be a complete arse: this is what narcissists do. He is a damaged manchild. Grey rock.

If 70-30 is what you think is best for your family, you tell your solicitor that, and get them to fight for it.

Start screenshotting and storing emails, if you haven't already. Sooner or later he'll give himself away.

Thank you. I am already but I'll keep at it.

We have mediation again start of feb so if that doesn't move things along I'll need to have a rethink.

Sounds like my ex, still going through the legal process though.

Don't even think you will reach a comprise and expect a lot of false allegations to be thrown at you. It's going to be a long journey and you need to save your strength.

Just ignore him so you're not feeding into his ego. He wants your reaction so don't give any.

When he's with the children, go out for a walk and when restrictions are relaxed, go have some fun. He'll hate that.

I found this article very helpful www.flip.co.uk/are-they-gaslighting-you-how-to-cope-with-a-narcissist-in-the-family-justice-system/

Stay strong and believe in yourself.

Thank you that's really helpful x

Does anyone know if you can get a non molestation order for emotional abuse?

Hi @Amazonmulu , I feel for you. Kind of in same situation. What does your lawyer say?

@Vickyglitz

Hi *@Amazonmulu* , I feel for you. Kind of in same situation. What does your lawyer say?

Not much :( It's all escalated since the original post. He's been threatening me in front of the kids. Doesn't say what he will do... but lots of screaming in my face and telling me to watch myself. More mediation next week. I'm hoping we can just agree on something and move on. He can't be happy in this arrangement either. So I don't see why he is prolonging it?!

@Vickyglitz sorry to hear you are in the same crappy boat :( How far down divorce route are you? what's been happening to you?

Don't show him you care about anything or he will try to ruin in. Sound breezy/not bothered about anything. You could try pretending to want the opposite of what you really want.

@Amazonmulu filed petition. He has to respond now. Hired lawyer but he hasn't. I'm trying to get our jointly owned home up for sale but he will drag this out for sure. He said he wants to
Make me suffer. Considering non molestation order. We have a child, she's 2.5. I don't want to move out though I could if he pays mortgage and bills.

@Amazonmulu

The reason he is doing is this:

You can fight a pig, but you will soon realise that you're both covered in mud but the pig likes it.

Ring the police when he is screaming in your face say nothing just let them listen to it

[quote Vickyglitz]@Amazonmulu filed petition. He has to respond now. Hired lawyer but he hasn't. I'm trying to get our jointly owned home up for sale but he will drag this out for sure. He said he wants to
Make me suffer. Considering non molestation order. We have a child, she's 2.5. I don't want to move out though I could if he pays mortgage and bills. [/quote]
That sounds horrific :( Why are men such dicks at the end. They lose all empathy and dignity. Sending you hugs :(

While you're still living in the same house it qualifies as coercive control and that is a crime. I'd have a word with the police, particularly around his threats stopping you moving out with the kids.

[quote Vickyglitz]@Amazonmulu

The reason he is doing is this:

You can fight a pig, but you will soon realise that you're both covered in mud but the pig likes it. [/quote]
That's great - love it. He truly is a pig but I won't let him drag me into the mud with him.

@PicsInRed and @Theunamedcat I think police is the only way to go if / when he does it again. I'm just scared they won't believe me and will listen to his lies. He started a smear campaign against me the day I asked for a divorce. I wish I had some evidence that the police couldnt ignore.