Divorcing. How/when best to tell kids (10, 5)

[WhatToTellTheKids]

H and I are divorcing. It's what we both want, no hard feelings.

Please advise on how best to tell the kids, and when.

Added twist is that I'm taking them 500 miles away so I can return to my home town. The kids have both expressed a desire to return to my home area to live, rather than where we are, so this aspect is a positive for them. Albeit still be a wrench leaving friends where we currently are. So do we tell them sooner, or leave it nearer the time we are actually leaving?
H will follow once he can get a job in my home county/borders, but that may take a few months (might be quicker, he's already at late stages of interviews for a couple of places). In the meantime, we will both make an effort to facilitate him seeing them as often as possible.

Thanks

Bump

When are you actually leaving? Weeks / months?

Once covid restrictions ease.

Anyone?

You know your children best and will know how they usually react to things. However, I would start to talk to them about the move sooner rather than later. I would keep it light and positive, not a huge reveal type conversation. They will look to you for how to feel. When this is going well, I would broach the subject of Daddy moving with us but in a different house. If they are sad, allow them to be, but if at all possible let them know that you and Daddy are both fine and excited to be moving.

There will be organisations that can talk you though the best way and agin it very much depends on your children. Good luck OP

Thank you.

Wow - divorcing and moving 500 miles away. That is way to cruel - what if the dad cant get a job in your home town?

@Coseynightin

Wow - divorcing and moving 500 miles away. That is way to cruel - what if the dad cant get a job in your home town?

Cruel? That's a bit unfair and unhelpful.

I'd tend to agree with PP that it's good to manage expectations sooner rather than later, especially if they're likely to pick up on "vibes" in the meantime. But equally we don't know when the restrictions will ease - so it's hard to know how long you'll be leaving them hanging. How old are the DCs? Can you start talking to them about the concept but without giving them an indication on the likely timing?

I think it's fine for there to be some 'unknowns'. Just let them guide you both in their feelings and tell them together if possible.
I think if you promise to let them know when you do know more they'll trust you both. Good luck

I had initially planned to tell DS (10) nearer the time but unfortunately he found out sooner (long story and obvs not what we wanted). That was 4 months ago and STBXH likely here for another few months. It's worked out for the best as it's given him time to get used to the idea and see us all still getting on. We can talk openly about looking for somewhere for Daddy to live and jointly plan for the future.

Cosy, what if he can?! He can. He is employable all over the country. I never wanted to move to where we are, but we did for his career. I've never liked it here. Finally I get to go home. My kids will love being back in my home town, with better access to extended family too.

DP. They are ten and five. I will look at how to tell them sooner rather than later. I do know they will both be happy to get back to my home town, so at least there's that, though obviously it won't be without some wrenching here from friends.

Thanks, Monkey. Definitely planning on telling them together. Just not quite sure what to say.

Parched, sorry that happened. Am all ears if you want to tell!

Yes, that's a good idea about having the children see us be civil and cooperative.

Tell them sooner. Last year my neighbours' 8 year old came banging on my door, hysterical and in tears. The family were moving the following day and they'd only just then told her that daddy wouldn't be coming too.

I always think kids are smarter than we sometimes even like to believe. Sooner is best.

I can't offer any advice on what to say but if I was in your shoes I would sit each child down individually as a 5 year old might have a very different reaction to a 10 year old and I'd want to give them both my full attention. Also I'd suggest doing it with your stbexh

Maybe someone will have advice on worked well for them or if they remember what happened if their parents divorced at similar ages.

I really feel for you, it must be gut wrenching but I'm sure they are very loved and will be ok. Good luck with everything.

@thenightsky that is truly awful

Gosh, nightsky, well I definitely will give them notice, it's just how much. Poor child!

There's probably a book you could buy for the 5 year old about parents separating, which will help them understand it a bit better. Have a look on Amazon for Two Homes or The Invisible String