Divorce guilt on kids

[Jhumphs]

Hi guys

I’m really struggling today. I’m going through a divorce. My husband left me but he wasn’t a nice man at all. He was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, drug addiction, alcoholism and abandonment issues.

He’s only allowed to see the children with supervised contact (which he’s refused for 10 months as he doesn’t agree with it)

Now the issue I have is that my husband is a multi millionaire and we had a nice life in terms of money but he very much had a split personality and we never knew which man we would be getting every morning.
Some days he was lovely but other days he was impossible to be around.

We have a 3 year old and a 6 year old. They don’t ask about him much as he wasn’t a hands on dad but for some reason I’m really struggling with the guilt for them and the life they could have had.

He’s blaming me for all his issues and whilst I don’t think it’s me I still can’t stop my mind from going there and feeling such guilt on them...to the point of thinking about suicide.

My children adore me and I adore them and I know they wouldn’t want to live with him but I can’t stop thinking of the life they could have had if I had managed to keep their dad happy...even though I don’t think I ever could have because of all his other issues.

Why can I not stop this guilt or feelings of hatred towards myself. It’s getting all encompassing now 😢

Please help guys xx

Hugs

Been there - you're not the first to feel that way. Will type some suggestions. But just to say it will get better I promise.

Firstly ring your GP. Don't mess around, tell receptionist you're having suicidal thoughts and you need help from your GP.
Don't worry about consequences. If you're lucky you'll get some sleeping tablets or something just to take the edge off for a few days and that's prob just eat you need right now.
Push them to refer you to counselling. It'll take months to get somewhere with that so start it now. There's something called compassionate counselling which might be just what you need.

I can’t stop thinking of the life they could have had

You mean complex PTSD and lifelong suffering?

Feel glad they are protected from him and the lifetime of damage he would have caused, not guilty because you don't have cash to burn.

Have you done the Freedom Programme course? It might help you get things back in perspective.

Remember this. Emotional abuse can have as devastating effect as any other type of abuse.
You got your kids out.
You haven't messed up their lives - you've saved them.
Yes - normal parents and lots of dosh would have been lovely. But that's an option for you/them.
You're doing the best thing for them.

Who in your life will reiterate that?
Family, friends. Pick those guys and listen to them. Tell them you need their emotional support and reassurance. Can you ask each of them to text you or ring and remind you one day of week for next 2 months. If they won't I'm sure there'd be volunteers on here who will including me.

Do not kill yourself. It will harm them far, far more than anything your useless ex has done.
I know there might be moments that that doesn't feel true. Ignore those times. Your brain is lying to you. Totally fucking lying.
I've been there. I know how real those thoughts feel at the time. But trust me - totally, totally fucking lying and messing with you. Think of them as your ex husband winning. Fight back.
Hope that helps. Been a bit short and didactic because sfometimes when you're exhausted that's what you need.
Also remember that parents who ask for help when they need it, and don't hide behind their own embarrassment and shame. Those are the best parents.

"The life they could have had" is a life no children should have to endure. You will look back one day and realise how important it was to get them out of that environment.

I hope you can get some support, it sounds like you've been through a hellish experience. Please be kind to yourself. Please take up whatever help you can. Your kids need you and despite whatever your ex says, you're a wonderful Mum.

Thank you so much guys...I really do feel like it’s my brain playing tricks on me today.
I’m not a bad person and yet for some reason it feels better when I’m punishing myself. Truth is I’m not sure what I’m punishing myself for 😢
I’m telling myself that now I’ve gone he’s a nice, kind guy and everything I always wanted him to be but in the back of my mind I’m sure that he could never be the man I wanted.
It honestly feels like my brain isn’t my friend anymore...crazy I know...but then so much has been crazy this last 6 months, it’s hard to know what real and what’s not 😢

Thank you for all just being there, I really appreciate it xx

@Mackerelpizza I’ve never heard of the freedom programme and although people are telling me I’ve been abused I just feel like because I haven’t been hit then I don’t qualify for this! (I know that’s not right btw it’s just how my brain is working atm!)
Thanks so much xx

@noideawhatusernametochoose thank you so much for your words xx

@PicaK thanks so so much, I really didn’t think I’d get any response to this post. It really means a lot to me, thankyou xx

[quote Jhumphs]@Mackerelpizza I’ve never heard of the freedom programme and although people are telling me I’ve been abused I just feel like because I haven’t been hit then I don’t qualify for this! (I know that’s not right btw it’s just how my brain is working atm!)
Thanks so much xx[/quote]
Definitely check out the Freedom Programme. Also worth reading Pat Craven's "Living with the Dominator" or Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that?" Sorry you've been going through all this

@Mackerelpizza thank you so so much xx

@DecorativeParticle thank you so so much xx

Suicidal thoughts are horrible and it is (as you rightly said) just your mind playing tricks on you. Your children need you, your friends need you, the world needs you - you are important and you need to believe that good times will come. There's a way out of every difficult situation, no matter how hopeless you feel now. Be kind to yourself - the best advice I have ever read was just to say to yourself 'I'm sorry to see you are struggling now but I love you'. Don't punish yourself any more. YY to counseling. Money does not buy peace and quiet and a happy, loving home for your kids. It's far more damaging to live with someone abusive than it is not to be able to afford certain things.
You did the best thing you could for your kids - you got them out of a terrible situation. One day they will grow up and understand and appreciate everything you've done for them.

@lonelySam you have no idea how much your words mean to me. Thank you so so much xx