Siblings at odds over contact with estranged father

[Yoothamiddle]

Hi. Has anyone dealt with teen/adult siblings who don't both want contact with a parent? I'm divorced several years with one late teen adamantly estranged from their father, still angry and hurt. The other is considering making contact and seeing him after several years with minimum contact. They feel it's unfinished business and I can see not good for them to carry that burden. If/when they do, it's likely to upset sibling and cause a rift. I've tried always to support but keep out of their handling of this, but wonder if I can do anything to help both and minimize fallout? A friend has adult children who have fallen out permanently over whether Dad is good/bad, and now don't speak. I'd hate that to happen to mine. Maybe there's nothing I can do but if anyone has experienced this I'd welcome thoughts. Thanks. And sorry if I've posted in the wrong place.

At 12 and 14 my dc went nc with exh. No drama. Simply a packed up when he was out and came here. Exh didn't even contact them! Or me!! In 4 years they have seen him at 3 funerals and called in for Xmas money...

Jeez. That sounds unusual. How do you think one would react if the other decided to restart contact?

I know that would never happen. Exh was neglectful of them - think no food in... No rules and no interest. He spent all his efforts bad mouthing me. When they gained the guts they left... They have both said they feel nothing for him whatsoever.. I never suggested they leave. I have never heard a peep in over 4 years. Court order was in his favour but he never sought legal advice on their decision.

All you can do is ask the child who does want contact to keep it to themselves, and say to both of them that sometimes we have to agree to disagree. No one is right and no one is wrong in this situation. Each of your children have to make the best choice for themselves and respect the needs of their sibling. That's all you can advise, I'm afraid.

I have one ds who has no contact and one dd who does. Exh has made no effort to contact ds and it has been 3 years since he last spoke to him. Dd sees him sporadically, but is not that bothered. They haven’t fallen out over it, it’s not really an issue anymore. My only concern is that exh is a burden to dd when he is older - he’s very bad with money and may come begging.

When 1 dc came over it was 6 months until the younger one did. They still saw each other and no bad feeling. There is another sibling went nc with me after much longer brainwashing against me. The dc went nc with them due to their decision to stay with df. . Def a divide over loyalties. I am not sure your dc would be so drastic being 2 of them. 2 against 1 seemed more of a war.... Also maybe your dc wants extra confirmation that being nc was the best decision... Seeing df would do this one way or the other.

Thanks. It's good to hear it doesn't have to be a huge deal. The one thinking of seeing him is very guilt-probe and easy to prey on whereas sibling very self-contained and confident. Will as you suggest Aqua remind the one seeing that they need to agree with sibling anything being shared info-wise, as NC one very keen on own privacy. Ex is dodgy beyond belief so will cross my fingers. Thanks.

My dad left when I was 14, he moved abroad without a care for any of his kids. I feel he basically abandoned me so I can't be bothered with him at all. My older sister tries to pressure me into talking to him. I've stood my ground about it and we've fallen out.

That's very difficult doctor. Are you able to have a relationship with your sister despite that disagreement?

Sadly the issue permeates our relationship too much for us to have much of one. We can't have a conversation without her asking if I've spoken to him recently despite my telling her I have no wish to do so. She resents me for, as she feels, leaving her to be the only child in contact with him and I resent her for trying to pressure me and disrespect my boundaries. The advice I would give you is just to make sure your children know they can absolutely act on what they feel they want to do, but that trying to pressure their sibling will lead to longer term problems and friction.

That is what we have even now. 15 years after divorce. Eldest son 16 and younger son 8 at point of divorce. Elder son refused to have contact with his Dad and judge took his views into account as he said he was old enough to know his mind so would not enforce contact but youngest son wanted to see his Dad. He got every other weekend and one evening in the week and a week summer holiday. It worked mostly well except DH would sometimes cancel by text 15 mins before due to collect. Then older brother would say see Dad does not want to see you he has something better to do so dumped you, or words to that effect to younger son. Sometimes he would not text just not turn up. Younger son just saw his Dad when he turned up. I also agreed he could go to Dad on Boxing day which was what son asked for. Exh had to work on Xmas day often. I was prevented from moving for a new job as he took me to court and judge ordered me not to move more than 1 hour travel away. Job I had been offered was in Scotland so I had to turn it down and was poorer for doing so. Another thing elder son was furious about as he wanted a move and fresh start for us. As adult DC still living at home 23 year old still sees his Dad about once every month before Covid but only 3 times this year and elder son still refuses to see him. Dd had just gone to Uni when we broke up and at end of first year when we divorced. She lives over 140 miles away from both me and her Dad. We both attended her graduation but sat apart. She had lunch with her Dad after before he travelled home and I met her with younger brother late afternoon took her shopping for food as her cupboards were sparse and we had takeaway pizza for dinner before we went home. When she got married I attended with my dh and ex attended with his new partner. There was no top table and everyone sat where they wanted to so we sat on different tables. I know exh spoke to elder son that day but he just turned and walked away. I don't get involved. I told my elder son once I hoped he was not refusing to see his Dad because of me and he just said he was no longer part of his life and he hated him because he refused to pay maintenance for his children so he did not value them. I have not said anything more about it. They are now all adults and can choose to resolve it or not. This Xmas as Boxing day mixing cancelled I suggested younger son asked his Dad if he could go for dessert at about 5pm on Xmas day. He was pleased I had suggested it but elder son said I should not do or say things to make ex life easier. Elder son was very close to his Dad before his Dad cheated and I threw him out and refused to have him back and my Exh used to get younger son to beg me to take him back which started why elder son refused to speak to his Dad. Ex also refused to pay maintenance unless I took him back. We all went short of things for almost 2 years until money started being taken out of his salary and paid to me by his employer and arrears were caught up. I had borrowed money from my Mum so could pay her back. My ex in a rage shouted at me in front of elder son that he was going to spend the rest of his life making me regret not taking him back and that he would make my future life miserable if he could. I have never forgot this and I don't think elder son has either. I think Exh brought it on himself. I never spoke about him to children except to tell younger son when his Dad texted to cancel. It took m we years not to hate Exh for his treatment of us and for refusing to just have a 50/50 split on everything which eventually backfired on him as he kept demanding he get 80 percent and me only 20 percent. My solicitor said he was deluded. In the end judge ordered me 60 percent of house, 50 percent of business and 33 per cent of Exh pension to level it up. Ex went ballistic. It was messy he did not have contact with younger son for 8 months probably to punish me a he knew by hurting son he hurt me. I met someone else who was kind to me and all of my children and accepted us as a package deal. We went on to marry. He is now very close to my boys and both buy him Father Day cards. Both adult sons still live at home with us but eldest son was looking to buy house when pandemic hit but now hopes for this summer as deposits shot up.

Thanks doctor really helpful tip about how to remind them of the priority not to pressure each other.
Caring it's good to hear you've been able to leave them to it and handle the dreaded life events where you have to meet so well.

@caringcarer how did the eldest know about the maintenance? I find this a very sad story. There seems to be a lot of anger and hatred towards Ex.

He knew because he read some court documents when I was out one day. I don't hate exh. I suggested my youngest son should contact his Dad to see if he could go over on Xmas day as Boxing Day became no mixing households and as over 18 the moving between parents does not apply to them. I think my eldest son probably hates his Dad. When he found out his Dad was refusing to pay maintenance for him he went nuts but he already knew we had very little money and struggled to buy food and that his Nan had let me borrow some money. I think that is why he searched for documents and took them out of filing cabinet to read.